Back in school– What a wonderful world

January 7, 2008

The kids? They are back in school.

Is there anything more to add to that? Well, perhaps this:

Two years and a lifetime have passed

January 6, 2008

Two years ago today, my mother died.

I have no idea how to follow a sentence like that.

I was awake and saw the clock flip from 3:05am to 3:06am. The “official” moment she left this world. It was a bizarre feeling. I cried. I smiled at thoughts of her. I wandered the house. Not really wanting to sleep but not really wanting to do anything else either.

I have gone through every emotion and questioned so much since she died. I have tried to figure out how one goes about living life without a mom and what the secret is to actually accomplishing that successfully.

I miss her. I started to ask myself what I would say to her if we could talk. Something tells me she would do most of the talking at first. I know the life I have “lived” the past two years has been…well, disappointing. She always told me she could never, ever be disappointed in me. I believe her. But I have been disappointed in me. It isn’t all bad. I have learned. I have changed. I have grown and I have regressed. I have learned to say no when it is right and yes when I should try something new and scary. I have also learned that sometimes when you take a rough, tough piece of coal and apply an immense amount of pressure, sometimes it just stays coal. Which isn’t all bad. That, too, has purpose.

Last year I had things to say. Thoughts to share. Now, I am in a different place. A place of pondering and re-evaluation. This year, I am sad, introspective and feel lonely. But there was a strange new feeling, too. I felt something almost like freedom. No, that is not right. Not freedom so much as something lifted from my spirit. I suppose you could say it felt similar to getting permission to move forward.

I have lost so much these past two years. But I have gained a lot as well. The feeling I felt was as if I was giving myself permission to live again.

I will always, always….until I draw my own final breath…miss my Mom. She was my best friend. She was amazing. She was funny, full of life and the perfect person to be my mother. We fit. We were exactly what we both had in mind when it came to a mother/daughter relationship. I will not stop missing her. I will never get over the empty feeling that something hugely important in my life is missing. But I will move forward. I will give myself permission to move forward.

Because of who she was and how she raised me, I am taking her with me. In my laughter. In my sense of humor. In my ability to laugh at situations where it may be hard to find any humor. Because sometimes that is what you and everyone around you needs. She is with me. Always with me.

After wandering my home, I checked on the kids as they slept. When I looked in on my daughter, the dam of tears broke free. There is something about your own children that gives you both strength as well as weaknesses. There was my daughter. A little girl who needs me as much as I needed my Mom. A little girl who I want to look at me as I looked at my Mom. To love me in the unique way I love my Mom.

With tears streaming down my face, I crawled onto her bed beside her and drew her into my arms and just held her as she slept. Her sweet little girl breath softly tickling my neck as she lay dreaming.

I felt the complete circle. Mom passing the torch. And somehow– for the first time in two years– something inside me began to feel healing as I took the torch that was passed to me and vow to honor all it stands for.

For Mom.

For my daughter.

For me.

If your ears bled on Friday, I apologize on behalf of my daughter and her SQUEALS.

January 5, 2008

Last night, my daughter had her first sleep over with her best friend here at our home. I have been used to boys. Loud. Stinky. Rough housing boys. I have been trained to barely look up from what I am doing to bellow out a “Not so rough, boys!” or “Don’t play ball in the house!” (Yes, I do quote Carol Brady from time to time. And you?) I know that they will be loud and rough. Breakables are relocated etc. Food fully stocked, restocked and stashed because boys? They eat. A lot.
But this girl thing? Totally different.

There were movies with boys who “are so cute” and I was asked to “watch us sing and dance.” Performances. My brain could not compute this strange new world. I never had to bellow “Not so rough!” There was not a time where I came into the room and quivered in fear and shuddered over the strange and horrible aroma that permeated the room.

But there is something you moms did not warm me about. (I know. I never told you there would be a sleep over or you might have.)

The SQUEALS. (Totally deserves all caps.)

I know girls squeal. It isn’t like my daughter is growing up in a bubble. She has friends over and they squeal. But at night? When they are tired? They SQUEAL. At one point I am sure there were dogs in Kenya crying over the pitch emitted. Now I understand the constant “request” of my parents to stop squealing. (My ears will stop bleeding soon.)

However, there was another amazing thing about having a girl sleep over. I can play. They want me to actually be there with them. I am not Mooooooom! I am Mom! I loved this strange new world of a girl sleep over. I just wish we had pulled out the clips and nail polish and gone all out.

But I think I am saving that for next time.

This girl thing? So far, not so bad having a daughter. I think I am going to keep her.

Word. Summing up what you would like to see in your life in one word.

January 4, 2008

While surfing some family blogs for a topic this week, I came across many, many on resolutions. Throw a rock (a virtual bloggish one, that is) and you will find ways that many people are vowing to make 2008 a great year for themselves and their families. It was then that I came across a post that really got me thinking. Over at My Semblance of Sanity she wrote about boiling your resolution down to one word. ONE word? That is craziness for a chatty woman such as myself. Seriously? One word?

Some of the words suggested were great. Kalynn Punder suggested “Blog.” I am going to have to defer that to the Things I Do As Much As Breathe category. Great suggestion, though. For those of you on the fence, I think this one is great. For those of us who have so many blogs we are frantic, perhaps we can use it as a way to remember that we enjoy blogging. Right?

Tracy suggested “More.”

As in “more patience, cook healthy, family meals more, take care of myself more.”

I like that one.

Kelly suggested one that I think all moms could use a bit more of: “Myself.”

I will take some time out for myself, since it is sooo easy to burn out giving all my time to work, hubby, and 2 little kids.

The Frazzled Farm Wife suggests “Patience.” I can do that. RIGHT NOW. Oh, wait. I think that defeats the patience part. I should work on that one.

But all of this really did get me thinking about it. Could I take ONE word to sum up all of the things I would like to accomplish in 2008? Or even use one word as a mantra of sorts to remind myself of what I am trying to achieve? I don’t know. I am a lover of words. But just one word? Many have called me verbose. (I use that rather than talkative, blabbering and chatty by choice.)

At first I thought about “Consistency.” That is a good word. Consistency in work, parenting and relationships. That is a great word to sum up a lifestyle change for the best. As I pondered all of this I began to talk to some other people to hear what their suggestions for me might be– seeing as they know me best.

My husband suggested “Housework.” (He should regain consciousness soon.) Housework? I am not going to make my entire 2008 mantra about housework. Nor will it be Organization. No thank you. I think that can fall under the Consistency title. (Or the do it yourself and make the kids pitch in category.)

A friend suggested “Volunteer.” (She is no longer my friend.) I volunteer enough now to be considered charitable yet not so much as to be considered insane. It is close, though.

When I read one of the final comments on the Word for 2008 post, I found my word. Ellie at Finding Myself wrote:

…my word is PEACE…peace within myself, around me, and what I put out!!!

Peace.

There is my Word for 2008.

If it doesn’t bring me peace, I will lose it. If it causes me to lose peace, I will get rid of it. If it brings me peace, I will embrace it. If I can share peace with others, I will reach out and do that. And if I see that those around me are stealing my peace, I will make changes.

I like that. After such a turbulent time of so little peace in my life, I would love to see myself surrounded with people, experiences, work and a home that brings me peace. In fact, if I take all of the suggested words listed, I can tie them all into Peace. (Yes, even the Housework word.)

I want to hear from you. If you had to choose one word for 2008, what would your word be?

Peace out, my friends.

—

Cross posted on BlogHer.

Summing up my day…or week.

January 3, 2008

Toxic feelings are as bad as toxic friendships

January 2, 2008

I owe a deep thanks to a commenter who virtually smacked me upside the head with something that I really needed to hear.  Kelley of magneto bold too! said something in her comment that picked me up, shook me and made me realize what is holding me back.  I am going to post her comment in case you missed it.  (But why would you miss it?  You are reading my posts and commenting, right?)

I got rid of the toxic people long ago. Helps to have a kid with Autism, really brings out the true colours in people.

But you need to get rid of the toxic feelings at the same time. That one took a long time.

Good luck babe. I know you can do it.

You have no idea how much I needed to read that!  I have to get rid of the toxic feelings first.  And let me tell you something.  I have some really toxic feelings about a few people who stabbed me hard last year.  It is time to let that go and move forward.

Thank you, Kelley.

Now, share.  What is holding you back from moving forward?  What are you holding on to that is keeping you from finding the peace you need or the success you want?  Let’s let it go together.

New year with not so much resolutions as thingamabobs and whatchamacallits

January 1, 2008

I usually am not a fan of resolutions. Why? So I can smack myself in a month when I dropped the ball? Or so that I can feel pressure to do something that I obviously wanted to do in the first place or I would never have put it on a list of things I want to do? I would rather just look at some of the good things, some of the things I would like to change and some of the the things that just are.

So, here are 5 things from this past year I probably could have done better and will work on in 2008.

1. I will write more because I love it not so much because someone tells me I have to. I will write more of what I enjoy and less filler. If I don’t have something to say about it (and we all know I will probably always have something to say about most things), I won’t say it.

2. I won’t allow other people to let me feel less than. I am ridding myself of toxic friendships. Who needs it? Trust me when I say, this year has been a real learning year on toxic friendships. The thing is, if you betray me, stab me in the back or in some way break my heart beyond repair, you not only are kicked to the curb, you cease to exist in my mind. I want you to go down hard. Not by my hands, but go down suffering nevertheless. I need to work hard on that one. That whole “forgive and forget” thing people talk about. There are a few people who could be added to that list so that I can move on.

3. I wasn’t very good with keeping in touch with the people I love and the people I was reconnecting with. I am going to do better. I want to reach out again and let them know that they are loved.

4. I will keep more regular business hours. This past year I worked when I could and that just doesn’t work. Regular business hours may help.

5. I will learn to say help when I need to. A lot happened this year that I did not share with anyone because I could not muster up the strength to just say help. I need to add that one to my vocabulary.

Here are 5 things that I do that I like and that I am going to keep doing.

1. I am a good mother. I have bad days (don’t we all) where I feel like I need to do a lot better than I am doing, but overall…I am a good mother. I am going to work on the little things that will make me better, but I am proud of the children I am raising!

2. I am a fiercely loyal friend. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for a friend. When I give you my heart, you have it. One of my very best friends in the world used to comment about the fact that I gave all I could when I care for someone.

3. I made friendships closer and learned to let my guard down more. It feels good to trust again.

4. I believe the best in people. Honestly. Until they show me otherwise, I always assume their motives are pure. (Except spammers, telemarketers and bill collectors.) To this day I am still surprised when I see the dark side of someone and they burn me. I very rarely see it coming and am always shocked.

5. I love to write. When I put my heart into it, it isn’t half bad. I am going to write more. More from the heart and less from the drudgery aspect. I have been told when I really write and let my voice shine, people enjoy it. I like that.

And here are 5 things I am going to work on to make my life happier.

1. Become more comfortable in my skin. (And try to get healthier and more fit. Too many scares this past year.)

2. Tell more people that I care about that they are important to me. Spreading the love makes me happy.

3. I won’t ever let the chain of random acts of kindness end with me. I will pay it forward and enjoy knowing that I am doing good without expecting anything in return.

4. Remember my passion. That is where I am at my best.

5. Never talk smack about, laugh at, make fun of, recoil from, giggle about behind my hand or otherwise be in anyway rude in regards to the Stepfords.
(OH COME ON! You have to have one thing you want to improve that you know you will fail at. That is mine. They are too easy. It would be too hard. Let’s just consider that my “gimmie” for the year. All Stepford snark allowed.)

ESRB- What every parent needs to know

December 21, 2007

Being a gamer mom, I have to stay on top of not only the current games, but what type of content they contain. With everything from a Wii to a DS (Blessings to Nintendo) to a PlayStation and X-Box 360 as well as computer games, I see just about every new game that rolls out. Being a mom of kids ranging in ages from 6-14 not to mention the fact that I enjoy playing these games as well, I have to stay up on the ratings of each new game. That is where the ESRB ratings come into play. Do you have any idea what I am talking about when I say ESRB ratings? If you plan on buying any video games for your family– especially your children– you need to know what this means. In short, ESRB stands for: Entertainment Software Rating Board. ESRB is a non-profit, self-regulatory body established in 1994 by the Entertainment Software Association (ESA). They are the ones who assign video games and computer games their ratings based on their content.

What does that mean to you?

In short, “know before you go” exactly what the industry has to say about the game you or your children want to buy. Meaning… is this age appropriate? It may seem innocent, but without knowing the rating you can unknowingly set yourself up for a shock.

How does it work? Here is how ESRB explains the process. (There is more to it. Go check it out.)

Prior to a game being released to the public, game publishers submit responses to a detailed written ESRB questionnaire… specifying exactly what pertinent content (as defined by ESRB) will be in the game. Along with the written submission materials, publishers must provide a videotape or DVD which captures all pertinent content, including the most extreme instances, across all relevant categories including but not limited to violence, language, sex, controlled substances and gambling. Pertinent content that is not playable (i.e., “locked out”), but will exist in the game code on the final game disc, must also be disclosed.

Once the submission is checked by ESRB for completeness, which may also involve ESRB staff members playing a beta or alpha version of the game, the video footage is reviewed by at least three specially trained game raters. ESRB raters must be adults and typically have experience with children, whether through prior work experience, education or by being parents or caregivers themselves.

I will break it down for you.

(more…)

Brothers and sisters– and not one headlock or noogie

December 11, 2007

Last week my brother flew into town from Florida (boy were his arms tired–bah-dum-bum) so obviously I got my tail to Houston to visit with him. And get this– sans kids. That’s right. Just me. Alone. By myself. Without responsibility. (Let us pause for this moment of bliss, moms.)

There is something about a shared bond of growing up in the same house with the same parents that can take 3 people who are so very different and make them so similar. Good friends. The best of friends. I remember my Mom once telling me that the day would come that not only would I have fun and enjoy the company of my brother and sister, but I would seek it out and crave it. I was pretty sure she had lost her mind. No way would the 3 of us ever have anything in common enough to enjoy time spent together. Chalk another one up to Mom being right. Again. As usual.

I am not sure I can actually tell you how much that visit meant to me. A chance to hang out with my brother, my sister and my Daddy without kids. Even my brother-in-law stepped up and watched my nephews a few times so just the 4 of us could be together. I needed the recharge. I needed the awesome verbal butt-whooping my brother can deliver with a look and a few words. I needed the laughter. Oh, the laughter when we all get together is out of control. Off the hook. It rocks. (Obviously, I did not read any thesauruses while I was there either.)

We talked about stories from childhood. I realized how little I knew about things that were going on even as I grew up in the same household. (Can we say egocentric last born child? I knew we could.) Oh, nothing scandalous or bad. (Sorry to disappoint.) Just the difference in the way the baby of the family viewed life compared to the way the oldest child viewed it. I was seriously out of the loop on the way things went down. BUT I also learned I was spoiled rotten. (Enough “DUH’s” from the peanut gallery!) My sister learned that she was actually the GOOD one. I wasn’t bad as much as I was creative when it came to school and my attendance. She freaked when I explained how often I cut, how I did it and that there was more than one occasion where my Mom knew about it and looked the other way. It was good for her to hear that she was the good child and pretty awesome for me–The Baby Formerly Known as The Nark– to learn that she fell second in line in the Kids Who Pushed the Limits and Disobeyed Our Parents contest. Woot! I always thought I was the good one. Not so much, suckas!

And of course we talked about life and how things have changed in the last 2 years. (This would be where I got a pretty good verbal butt-whooping from my older brother. But no headlock.) We laughed at the bizarre things. Became sentimental over the mushy things. And compared notes on life. (I came in last here and my brother and sister were quite stern on this one. In short, “get my act together or a headlock will look like Disneyland.” Massively censored, I might add.)

Shared history. Shared joys. Shared traumas. Shared lives.

I drove home in a funk. Thinking about how life can throw things at you and knock you so far off course you cannot remember which way you were going let alone your destination. You can have friends help you. Have a spouse to lend a hand. Even kids to remind you why you need to get up in the morning. But the people who have known you all of your life, those who share your history that bonds you from cradle to grave, they can help you find your way back on course. They can be your true north to lead you back home.

My brother and sister have helped. Are helping. Thirty-eight years old and my big sister and brother are still protecting their baby sister.

And isn’t that what every parent hopes for?

I think Mom would be proud about now.

Randomness…but random about me as I let my freak flag fly!

November 29, 2007

I was double-tagged for a Meme. Granted it was because of NaBloMoFo (which I failed). Nevertheless, I am going to answer this one because:
(a) It IS all about me!
(b) It might give you some insight in to my particular crazy.
(c) Whenever I get a chance to let my freak flag fly—I take it!

Thanks to Daisy at Compost Happens and the Chronicler at Coopers Chronicles for thinking of me and not coming after me with pitchforks and blazing torches for taking so long to get to this.

So apparently they want to know 7 random or weird things about me. (Do you read my blog? Isn’t that what every entry accomplishes here?)

Ready? (I’ll ease you into this.)

1) I cannot stand to have unpolished toe nails. In fact, any woman with toe nails that do not have polish on them pretty much creeps me out. I don’t know why, but ….just put some polish on them. And yes, this does include in the Winter when no one even sees my toes. Trust me when I say they are definitely polished.

2) When I was growing up I used to throw gargantuan temper tantrums and lock myself in my room in tears on many occasions because of the whole adoption issue. Oh, I wasn’t adopted. My brother and sister were. Which made me the one who was different. Therefore, the one they were “stuck with” and not “chosen.” I am probably one of the few kids around who slammed her door screaming, “You don’t love me! Why didn’t you adopt me?!”

3) When I am driving across state lines, I have to pick up my feet as I cross the state line. You know when they have those little signs on the side of the road that say “Now entering ____?” Yep. I have to pick up my feet just before I get to it and not put them down until I pass that point. And, yes, this does include the times when I am the one driving. Many fights have broken out because I was asleep as a passenger and no one woke me up to tell me it was “State Line Time.” (For the record, I have actually passed this on to more than one of my friends who are now as obsessive about it as I am.)

4) I have a super power. Yes, I do. No, I cannot fly, read minds, bend steel or go invisible. However, I have a sense of smell that would put a blood hound to shame. I can walk into a room that seems okay to everyone else and immediately tell you if there is something not right. I have managed to stop at least one electrical fire that no one else knew was about to happen because I smelled the wires over heating. (Makes it hell for me at a seafood restaurant with SO MANY smells.) My hidden identity is Super Olfactory Girl.

5) I cannot stand the book Love You Forever. It does not make me cry. It does not make me sentimental. It kind of makes me worry a bit about stalking. I have 6 copies because of baby showers and the sentimental attachment people have to this book.

6) I have to sleep with a blanket. Always. It can be hotter than, well Texas in August, but I have to have a blanket. I don’t have to be completely covered up, but at least part of me does. Oh, and since we are on freak sleep issues, I cannot sleep if my hands are exposed. They are either under my pillow, under my head, under a blanket. Doesn’t matter. They are just not out in the open all bare and vulnerable. That is creepy.

7) I am terrified of sock monkeys. They really (really, really) freak me out. I am pretty sure I can trace this back to my brother tormenting me at night by hiding one in different places every night to scare me, but nevertheless, here I am at 38 and I am still freaked out by them. If you ever thought of giving me one…don’t. If you ever do, I will burn it. Burn that evil right out of it.

There you have it. My freak flag flying high. Did I scare ya? Now, I want to tag people, but I know that not everyone likes to do meme’s. Soooo, will YOU do this one for me and leave a comment that you did it? I want to get to know my readers better and see how free they are to fly their freak flags.

If you do decide (and you will) to do this, here is the low-down.

1- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

2- Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.

3- Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

4- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.