Vacation- All I ever wanted! Vacation- Had to get away!
June 24, 2010
I went on vacation and fell in love. Yes, it’s true. I went with expectations of enjoying some time with my family and maybe catching some good beach time but it turns out, I fell in love. Many of you know Clint could not go with me on this trip. It was me and the kids and a total of 23 people in one house. Yet, each morning, I would sneak away to meet my new baby and we would spend a few stolen moments together.
We met here the first morning I was there. I was just relaxing on the beach and he caught my eye.
"Our Spot"
It’s not like I could resist jumping up to see him and meet him. I knew my eagerness would scare him away but it did not. He approached me cautiously but didn’t flee. My heart leaped with joy. In 17 years of vacationing here, this had never happened to me. What I thought was a one time meeting became an every day experience. At the same time every day I would race to the beach to meet him and there he was. Even my son met him face to face. I suppose my only regret is that we missed each other my last day at the beach. Maybe he was too sad. Maybe he knew I would be too sad. Maybe it was the idiot teenagers chasing everything that moved in the water that caused him to stay away. Perhaps it was for the best. Goodbyes are never easy. I tried to get a picture of him one day, but he raced off too quickly.
This is a rendering of him along with a picture that looks very much like he does:
Rendering of my ~Crush~
~Crush Look Alike~
What? Like you never went to the beach and met a sea turtle that you had a crush on and then met up with him every day? Oh, please, it isn’t like that kind of stuff just happens to me. Is it?
But it wasn’t just folicking with sea turtles. Oh, no!
Everyday I spent laughing with people I love, sharing amazing food and spending time relaxing and refocusing. I did a lot of writing. This was the view from my office:
Oh, but it certainly was not all work! Not at all! I spent some wonderful time with these people whom I love:
Who needs poses when you have laughter
I think some of my favorite times were spent with my brother and sister. We always laugh when we are together. Always. Being with them is so good for my soul.
Oh, the tales we could tell on each other!
Of course, I spent time with my amazing children. And, well, you know the tale: Getting two teenage boys to pose for more than a couple of pictures is sheer TORTURE. It is practially downright abusive to them. But, I did get a few. Here is one of my favorites with my and my babies:
Yes, my boys are that much taller than I am!
At the end of the day, there was much to laugh about. Especially for your kids when they knew that you were about to be attacked by a flock of seagulls. And totally not the kind that will sing to you. The kind that absolutely will poop on you.
The Flock of Sea Gulls didn't even sing to me as they flew over!
But at the end of the day we all enjoyed beautiful sunsets together. We knew another perfect day was ending when we saw this:
Another perfect end to a perfect day
Though some of us night owls tended to get back up after the house of 23 was quiet and calm. when we did, we were treated to beautiful sites such as this:
If you were a night owl, you enjoyed nights like this
So, there is a brief glimpse into my vacation. Oh, there are tons more pictures I could share but the time, the bandwidth, the “that is so sucking vacation chill from me” is going to cut it here. (I have many more on Facebook!)
Hey, look at that! I am writing on my blog. Now, don’t faint or anything. Oh, wait, do I need to reintroduce myself again after such a long time away? Nah! You’ll remember soon enough.
I had so many things to say and write about over the past “not so much blogging” time but yet allowed myself to feel very restricted by people around me. Yes, I broke my own rule and let others silence me. Will. Not. Happen. Again. At least not for the reasons it happened this time. April & May just flat out sucked. No other way to say it. I allowed people who don’t care about me try to push me down. Oh, they can justify it. But, with every justification or excuse, I can come back with the written truth. (Save emails & voicemails, people.) or my version. But none of that really matters. In the long run, I saw some people for who they really were on the inside– not who they appear to be. I was pleasantly surprised with some, not at all surprised by others and very saddened to see the true colors of some who were once so respected. Thankfully, those who do care about me held me up, supported me and got me through better than before. And really, aren’t those the people who matter anyway? Those who truly do care about you and your family and not an agenda they have?
In the long run, what was meant to slam me down and break me, built me up and made me stronger and better. How? It caused me to take a step back and ask myself: What am I passionate about? I mean really passionate about! Not “I’ll do this because I have to, because I am expected to, or because no one else will” kind of jobs/activities. I am talking about what makes you want to jump out of bed and do it without the dread. Or the thing that makes you want to shout to the world that you are doing it not feel the need to self medicate to get through it. What are you really, truly, deep in your heart passionate about?
For me, that question was easy. I mean so easy it slapped me in the face with the obvious. My family is a given but let’s just put them first as to avoid any confusion. The next answer…DUH….writing. I become excited. I get happy. I find that I am energized and motivated and at peace when I am writing. The other stuff was filler. I am not saying I wasn’t excited and passionate when I started other things but that passion and excitement was ripped from me and caused me to really look hard at whether or not that is something I want to take up so much of my time. The answer was no. I could dig in and fight. I had the support from the ones I needed it from but it wasn’t worth it. It didn’t define me. It wasn’t something that I wanted to take time away from my family for in the long run. I stepped out of my comfort zone, out of my bubble, took a huge leap of faith and it didn’t work out. That happens. There are people who are passionate about it and do live for jobs like the one I had. I am not one of them. I support those who find their peace and purpose in it. Choosing to leave wasn’t hard in the end. I lost friends, gained new friends, strengthened some bonds and broke others.
Was it all worth it? Well, when it caused me to look long and hard into myself, my passions and my life…yes. Maybe I had to come full circle to get back to being my authentic self. I would never question that or regret it. Life may take us down painful paths, but in the end, when you find where you want to be and where you are the happiest and most at peace, your journey is worth it.
I won’t be quiet. No one should be in this situation.
May 6, 2010
I usually try not to use my blog as a pulpit. I try not to come off as someone who tries to make people think as I do. I tell stories. I am not a motivational speaker or preacher and I don’t use my blog as such. So, since you have been with me (many of you) for years, indulge me as I share something with you. I need to say it. If not for you, than for someone whose heart is open to it.
There are people I love who have been through hell this past week. Good people. For that matter, maybe even some bad people, too. Who they are doesn’t matter. They are people. Many are suffering. Many are in situations that are unfathomable to you as you sit in the comfort of your home cruising the Internet. Situations that should bring a tear to your eye or at the very least make you see that there is a world out there so much bigger than your tiny circle that you deal with on a daily basis. People whose problems are bigger than many of yours. Most definitely that are much bigger than anything in my life, that is for damn sure!
This is Nashville:
Look at it. Watch it. And when you do, don’t ignore it. What if it was your town? What if you were stranded without power for days and couldn’t get out or get supplies? What if your neighbor or your friend was missing and you knew that it has become a “recovery mission” and not a “rescue mission” now? Ask yourself whether or not the little annoyances matter in the grand scheme of things. As people have lost everything, ask yourself if the situations you are in- whether by choice or circumstance- are nearly as devastating or nearly as important as the ones these people are facing right now. Or if maybe, just maybe, you personally could use some of your own passionate nature (and I know my readers…they are passionate) to better use for these people. When you complain about having to deal with difficult people at work, be thankful you can go to work and then have a home to come back to at the end of the day. A home that is not under water. A home that is not devastated. A home where you have not lost everything.
I am not saying your problems are not real. They are real. Your struggles and grievances are just as valid. And, yes, they do matter. But for the love of all things human, LOOK at what people are dealing with right now. Look at their problems. Look at the real devastation in their lives and ask yourself: If I refocused my energies on the people of Nashville who need it, would that be a better use of passion, my prayers and my time than whatever it is I am currently focused on?
This flood hits my heart hard. I have people I have come to love that live there. I have friends who have been blessed enough to only endure a lack of power and friends who have seen complete devastation. THIS is what matters right now to me. And, you know what? THIS is where I choose to focus my energy, my attention and my heart. The silly little bullshit that goes on in day to day life that no one truly cares about and won’t even remember a year from now? I Do. Not. Care. About. That. Not when people I love face a situation such as this. My attention is where it needs to be and should be.
I care about these people who need it. I care about the loss of lives. I care about the people who are mourning the deaths of neighbors and praying that they can have something…anything… of their lives to salvage.
People I love are in need of my attention. And that? That is where I am focused because that is what matters in my heart.
And I would hope it would matter to others as well. Get out of your bubble and give your attention to people who need it. Isn’t that what humanity, compassion and “the greater good” really are about?
“As someone told me lately, Everyone deserves the chance to fly”- On Moving Forward
April 29, 2010
There are times in life when circumstances back you into a corner. Times when those you trust betray you and those you have come to rely on turn their back on you. It is in those times you find the people in your life who truly do have your back. The people who genuinely care. You can see through the masks that people wear and into the reality of their hearts. The truth of the matter is at those times, it can break you. It can take you and slam you down with a force you didn’t know existed in your world. At those times when you have felt abandoned and all alone you should look around through your tears and see who and what truly matters in your life. The sad fact is most of those times come at a high price and with great pain. It is a bit like hitting rock bottom in addiction. There is no where to turn and no where to go but up. But the beauty of it is when you stop and look around– feeling in your heart that without a doubt that you are standing alone– you see the people in your life who genuinely care about you and love you. Those are the true people in your life you can depend on, trust and open your heart to when you are at your weakest. Those are the people who will hold your hand when you need it. The people who will love you unconditionally and stand beside you to weather the storms of life. The reality is you probably are not as alone as you thought you were. You just weren’t looking in the right places.
For many of us a time has come or will come when your circumstances or the people you have chosen to surround yourself with will bring you to your knees, break your heart or back you into a corner where you can see no way out. Rather than focusing on the pain or the intense feelings of loneliness and anger you are bound to feel, take a good look at who is still standing with you. Take a really good look. Those are the people you want in your corner. Those are the people whose opinions and truth you want to rely on at that time. Those people who are ready, willing and able to drop everything to see you through the hardest of times– those are the people who do truly care and support you. The ones who are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt through your successes and failures.
Now, I am not saying that the other people who choose to turn away are people not worthy of your time, your prayers or your friendship. But those are not the people you should depend on to make your life choices or help you through the tough times. Those are not the people you need to depend on in a time of pain. They are merely people who have been brought into your life for a reason and a season. They have brought a life lesson with them. They have brought to you something you can take away. They are no less important in the grand scheme of things. They are your life teachers. Sometimes they are gentle and kind teachers who come and go from your life and bless with you with what they have brought to you. Sometimes there are those people whose lessons are brutal and painful. And sometimes those lessons are ones that you would never learn if it were not for the suffering they bring to you. They are just as important to your growth as a person as the people in your life that you know will never abandon you, abuse you or leave you when things get rough. They serve as a catalyst for a life lesson. People that somewhere deep inside- when you can think clearly through the pain or anger- that have led you to the path you should take or off of the one that will destroy your very soul.
My Mom always said life isn’t fair. And it isn’t. However, when the chips are down and you find out who stands with you, supports you and will be there for you, you should be thankful. Just as you should be thankful for the ones who broke your heart. Not in the same way, yet nevertheless their importance should not be diminished because you are hurt.
So what do you do in those times when you are broken and beaten down? You reach up, take the hand (or hands) that are offered, stand up, brush yourself off and move forward. Hopefully you’ll find yourself a better person for the life lesson they have brought. Even if they were brought to you at a great cost or with pain.
This week I learned many lessons. Some that had me in tears of pain for days. Some that have me in tears of extreme gratitude. And some that just opened my eyes in general to the reality– and not the perceived reality– but the actual reality of people, situations and circumstances I have allowed into my life that are toxic to me and my family. For that, I am truly thankful for those people and situations. They brought with them a lesson for a season. A lesson of fire and pain but a lesson that I can not only carry with me but use to help and guide others when I see them go down a similar path. It is an opportunity to share my experiences with others and let them know they are not alone when they find themselves beaten down and broken. I’ve learned our experiences are not for nothing. They are not trivial. We have not suffered them in vain.
I suppose what I am saying is that you should not regret the decisions you have made and the people you have had in your life. If your lesson has been learned and those people are truly there only for a season and simply for a single reason, you will find peace in moving forward. You will have learned what you needed to learn and the loss, though it can be painful, has served its purpose. Yes, even those who break your heart. There is a reason and a lesson. When you learn it, you will grow, be stronger and see things much clearer as you let them go.
But never, ever forget to take the time to thank those who are there for the good and the bad. The ones who stand with you when you succeed and when you fail. I am talking about the people who will always stand beside you and support you and will be honest with you from their heart and from a place of love because those are the people you can always be free to hand over your heart to and know that it will be cherished and not broken. Just remember to thank those people in your life who are truly and genuinely there for you. They are your blessings. They are your true gifts in life. Blessings to lean on through your sufferings and to cheer with you through your celebrations. And in return, you will grow with them and be able to hold their heart in your hands and cherish it and take care of it with gentle hands just as they have done for you.
Lessons are learned.
Seasons change.
And people leave.
Those who don’t turn their backs and walk away…well, count your blessings. Never take them for granted. I know I never will again. For I am blessed. Broken hearted but full of peace for I know now without any doubt in my mind, I do not and never will stand alone.
With the help of those friends standing with me…
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
Are You Smarter Than an 8th Grader? The Homeschool Edition!
April 13, 2010
When my husband and I decided to have children, we discussed many things we knew we would face. We came to a few agreements and knew that by making some concessions here and there and meeting each other at least half-way, we knew we would be healthy, happy parents.
For example, we agreed that for us we should probably wait at least five years until we tried to have our first child.
Brandon was born three years after we were married.
We agreed that we should probably have an even number of children since we both grew up in families with three kids and we knew someone would be set apart. (Clint for being 15 years younger than his next older brother and me because I was the unexpected baby.) I felt strongly about this. I thought even numbers would even things out.
We have three kids.
We talked about working outside the home or being a stay at home mom and decided I should be a stay at home mom while the kids were young and as soon as they were all in school, I would go to work full time.
I haven’t worked outside the home in 17 years. I do, however, work full time as a volunteer as the PTA president.
And for the love of all things educational, I promised I would never homeschool our kids. (Seeing as we wanted to give them the best chance at being well educated and I knew I would fall short if I were to homeschool them. I know myself. I have nothing against it but it was something I was dead set against doing myself.)
Z is now being homeschooled.
Yes, you read that correctly. I am the PTA president at one kid’s school while I homeschool another. I am a contradiction of myself.
It started a month or so into school. Z was just not feeling well. To me he looked pale and he was complaining of dizziness often. He started missing more and more school. For weeks I would take him to school and within 45 minutes, the nurse would call me telling me he needed to come home. One time it was dizziness another his oxygen levels was too low etc etc. It got to the point where I would drop him off, go get a coffee and then return to the school in time to pick him up (knowing the nurse would call).
Of course even with the nurse sending him home I still had the dean calling, sending letters and threatening truancy court. (I will go with Stupid School Contradictions for $500, Alex.)
Finally, late in October I got a call from an administrator at Z’s school. She told me that he was stable, but they had to call 911 for him.
This is where I pause while you imagine getting that call from your kid’s school.
I got to his school in record time. Driving up and seeing an ambulance and firetruck at the school entrance and knowing it was for my child was terrifying. When I got to him, he was surrounded by paramedics, had an IV and looked paler than I have ever seen him. Riding in the ambulance to the hospital was a ride I will not soon forget.
It was in that week that I realized how many specialists I was going to have to see to figure out what was going on as well as how ridiculous it was to continually get phone calls from the school about him not being there yet knowing it was not safe to send him until we figured things out.
I pulled him out of school the next week. It was then that we entered the empowering yet intimidating world of homeschooling. Empowering because we- as his parents- get to decide what is best for him as far as his health is concerned and not fear the sword of truancy falling on our heads. Intimidating because HELLO, I am so not smarter than an 8th grader. How in the world could I ever teach him all he needed to know? How could I ever give him the tools he needs to be successful? What have I done?
And yet, we persist. We push forward. We make it work for us. Right now Z is currently take his CBE’s to see where we really need to be focusing on. (CBE stands for credit by examination.) Oh, look! I got to use homeschool speak on my blog. Totally a foreign language. They should offer it as an elective in schools. (See what I did there? *snort*)
So basically, to sum it up: We broke most of the parenting agreements we set forth before having kids within 3 years. (I guess it is a good thing we didn’t have ‘promise to obey‘ in our wedding vows or all hell would break loose.)
And? I am doing two things I promised myself I would never do: homeschool one of my children and become a PTA mom– especially not the president. (Folks, Stepford shudders at that last statement. Trust me!)
And there is my life. Just one huge contradiction after another. I also agreed that I would become a good homemaker and cook. Yeah. It’s a good thing the mind goes after nearly 20 years of marriage or Clint might actually catch on to the fact that I really didn’t know what I was talking about when I was a young, new bride and agreed to all of this. What did I know? (Very little!)
Like my Mom always told me: Never say never. (Which never made sense until I became old enough for my nevers to come back and bite me in the arse!)
