At first, these women are the same.  It doesn’t matter what is on the outside, they are confident and know what is on the inside.  They are fully tapped into their authentic selves.  And?  They are confident nothing and no one can shake that.  But after a day, two days, three days, a month…they begin to react not as the woman inside the “costume” but as the woman the rest of the world sees.

The beautiful, skinny model no longer gets the adoring looks and attention she has always known.  It causes her to react to the way she is treated- to what people assume she is when they don’t look further.  She begins to hold her head down when she is walking, not quite looking anyone in the eye.  She is no longer the first to speak up, if she speaks up at all.  She hears the rude comments and begins to cry and is truly hurt deep down inside.  With her self-esteem at an all time low for her, she feels beaten down and broken.

Or take the brilliant Harvard MBA executive who becomes the old stereo typical stay at home mom who spends her days with her kids or running errands or volunteering somewhere.  She begins to be treated as someone who can barely manage a grocery list.  Her “mom jeans” and sweater sets are frowned upon and she is rarely taken seriously unless she is talking about household affairs, PTA or Johnny’s latest accomplishment- and then rarely is she truly taken seriously.  Surely this frumpy mom couldn’t know anything about the stock market, foreign affairs or politics.  I mean, just look at the way she dresses!  She doesn’t even wear makeup everyday.  She must be “just a mom” and therefore not worthy of the intelligent conversations offered up at business dinners or get-togethers.  She belongs on the playground with the “other mommies” and before you know it, she begins to act less self-assured.  She buys into the lie that maybe she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is.  Maybe it is a man’s world and she does belong just on the playground.  Her authentic self may be able to command a board room and handle multi-million dollar accounts but when she is treated as less than, she begins to feel less than. She begins to believe that she IS less than.

What happened to these women?

I suppose as a society we are quick to judge what we see and what “truth” we have been told.  Take the woman above.  A stay at home mom is the “truth” that is told.  Her dress is not the most fashionable.  She doesn’t look high-powered but perhaps a bit overly tired.  Is that who she really is?  Is that her authentic self?

Well, yes and no.  It is who she feels she is after repeatedly- I mean time and time and time again- being treated in a way that isn’t true to her authentic self.  When it comes to the collision of perceived reality and personal reality, sometimes perceived reality wins even for the woman inside the suit who knows better.  She knows who she really is.  Yet, her heart is broken by the reactions and actions of others based on  the way they perceive her to be because of the “truths” they are either told or choose to believe on their own.  However, her authentic self is not lost.

After a while, that authentic self fights back.  From deep inside the suit, the pain and the reality she has been living– which is not reality at all– become too much for her authentic self to bear and her authentic self begins to emerge and beg to be let out of the suit, out of this experiment.  It hurts too much. You may first see it as a fierce look in her eyes.  It may come from a retort to a comment that went just a bit too far.  Or you may not see her authentic self come out until piece by piece the suit is removed and she has a chance to stretch both her body and her mind, refresh her emotions and feel once again at peace with herself– her real self.

I think that is true of all of us.

At one time or another we step out of our comfort zone and try new things.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s in the trying that matters.  Over a year ago I put on a new suit that I truly wanted.  It fit like a second skin and I was happy.  But bit by bit, piece by piece layers were added to that suit.  Some by me and some by others.  The more that was put onto that suit the heavier it became.  The harder it was to wear and still be my authentic self.  There were times the “real me” would scream so loudly to get out but by then the suit was so think, so heavy and attached so strongly, I couldn’t break free.  In the Spring I knew it cost me too much personally to continue wearing it.  I tried to brutally claw it off to get back to the real me. But let me tell you something.  The process of ripping, tearing and clawing at something that is attached to you like a skin just scars you more.  You have to go through a process to take it off.  Though I was succeeding, I had a long way to go.  I made mistakes.  I hurt myself, my family and some friends.  To those I could offer an olive branch, I did.  Some accepting it and everything was put in the past to move forward.  To others, the olive branch was thrown down and walked away from.  There is and was nothing I could do about other people and how they react and choose to respond.  I was working on getting myself back and didn’t have the energy to argue, fight or try to make my side heard.  It became counterproductive to what I needed to do and who I truly am.

The beginning of summer I learned about finding the authentic me. I spent a week with people I love who love me.  Not only do they support me but they love me in spite of me.  During that week, the suit started to melt away in a beautiful and pain-free way.  I learned that the ones who love me not only accept me as I am but they expect me to be who I truly am.  It was a wonderful time of letting go, healing and getting to know myself again.

But that wasn’t the end.  It just doesn’t happen that easily.

In July my family went through a crisis.  I think all of us at one time or another (at least once) go through something that so thoroughly, completely and irrevocably changes you.  Sometimes it is a wonderful event. Sometimes it is traumatic.  But there is a moment, a time in life that you can exactly pinpoint, where everything changes.  It doesn’t matter if it is something everyone can see or just those close to you or even something only you know happens.  The point is, nothing will ever be the same after that moment.  Ever. Things that seemed so painful lose their sting.  Things that seemed so important become trivial.  Things you thought you would struggle with for a long time to get past are suddenly no longer roadblocks in your mind or heart.  You move on.  You have to.  You are not that person anymore.

I would never wish the events of my summer on anyone.  At all.  But I am forever grateful that I was able to be where I was needed, go through I needed to go through and come out on the other side the person I am now.   Through crisis I mended fences that should never have been put up in the first place and found an amazing friend on the other side. A gift that I wanted, needed and came to accept through a crisis situation.   I grew closer to people I love and have a tighter bond with them that nothing in this world can ever loosen.  I found strength in myself  I honestly didn’t know I had.  I found peace in a way I have never known. I learned lessons about life that will forever be with me and keep me strong when I feel broken.

That suit?  It completely melted away.

I thought I would find “the old me” underneath waiting to emerge.  That didn’t happen.  I found a new version– a better version– of the authentic me that I never knew I had the capacity to become.  I never want to be the “old me” before my suit wearing days.  Ever.  A part of her is still with me but what I found when the real me emerged is so phenomenal and strong and at peace that I gladly put the old me in the past and embrace who I have become.

What about you?  Are you struggling with a “suit” that doesn’t quite fit anymore?  Do you need someone to stand beside you and say, “I believe in YOU and I will be here for you if it hurts to find the real you!”?  Let me know.  I’ll stand in that gap with you.  I’ll hold you hand or your heart and be someone you can know cares.  Or have you recently been through something that has brought you to a point where your own “suit” melted away only to find a wonderful new authentic you?  Share it with us.  Those stories always help us feel connected.  Your story, declaration or simple “I’ll stand by you, too” can make a huge difference to someone who may need to hear it….even if you never even know it.

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”

I’ve been asked if I won the Energizer sponsorship.  The answer is no. (Go ahead & slap your hand on the desk in frustration.  I know you feel I was robbed.  It’s okay.  I’ll just buy Duracell until we get over it.)  However,  not winning a contest wasn’t  going to keep me from going to NYC.   I’ve never missed BlogHer and had no intention of missing this year.  Things were lined up, planned and looking good to go.  I found ways that would get me there.  But you know what?  Sometimes life happens.

A family emergency or crisis or whatever you want to call it came up.  As much as I love BlogHer and the friends I only see each year and the chance to see the wonderful PR reps I work with throughout the year — as much as I love all of that,  I love my family more.  Family first. Always! No questions asked.

So the Monday before I was to leave, I had to call my roomie and let her know. (This is where I say that Busy Mom kicks so  much coolness ass, it’s off the charts!)  I will not lie and say that I was totally cool and knew it wouldn’t even cross my mind that I was  not in NYC but I will say with all truthfulness, there absolutely would not be any way to get me away from where I was at that time.

So there you have it.   I gave you the brief lowdown on going to BlogHer, then not going to BlogHer and that when someone in your family has a crisis, nothing else in the world matters.  Nothing.   I would make the same choice again and again every single time if I had to choose between BlogHer or being right where I’ve been with family.

It’s family.  Family is what it’s all about, right?

—

Next up: So if I didn’t go to NYC and I’ve been out of town, where did I go? Tales of HomeHer ‘10!

Did I have you at hello?

I know my posts have been a bit sparse lately.  But I had to bring to you a matter of national importance.  Okay, not national but  local.  Okay, not local but it is important to me.  Does that count?  Of course it does.  Help me, help you.  Well, really, it would just be you helping me in this case but then in return I could totally help you.  Really! I promise on a stack of stupid, dead batteries because that is all I have in my house right now.

Let me start this begging post by saying I have never missed a BlogHer.  I was there when it was tiny and we could all fit into one restaurant and have seen it grow to thousands in just a matter of years.  That is the power of women and the Interwebs, people.  When we want something, we get all charged up about it! (See what I did there?)  The truth of the matter is that finances have totally sucked the ever living life out of us these past few months.  Though I registered for BlogHer waaaaayyyyy back in…well, before it sold out is all I remember…. I am looking at the real possibility of not being able to attend.  (You should be hearing the weeping, moaning and the violins about now.)

You see, the old school blogger in me was all like “Sponsors? How do you do that?” and the trying-to-stay-hip blogger was all like “Yeah, man, you can actually ask people to send you and they will help pay AND you get to be their spokesperson like Billy Mayes only more-so and alive.” The old school blogger is still all, “Whoa.”

Then I read about Barefoot Mommies and Energizer giving away a scholarship for BlogHer.  Not just a little scholarship but a big honkin’ $2000 scholarship to TWO bloggers.  The old school blogger in me just flat out fainted.  The trying-to-stay-hip blogger was all “Try it you old fart! It is your only shot at going at this point!” So in the spirit of explaining why I should be the one to be chosen over ever other person flooding Twitter with begs, I shall explain why I am a super Energizer ChargHER BlogHer blogger choice. (Besides the fact I can say that out loud without my brain exploding.)

You see, at the first BlogHer, I (along with two other amazing bloggers) was able to charge up a room (See what I did there again?) of people about the most dreaded topic of ‘05:  Mommybloggers.  Oh, yes, we were the bottom of the foodchain, the pondscum of the blogs, the….well, you get it.  Yes, I along with my panelists let the battle cry charge for respect for the Mom(my) Blogger.  Now, PR professionals and marketing reps are coming to us. To pay. For us. To go. To BlogHer.  I’d like to think I had a hand in that. (Of course, Al Gore think he invented the Internet so….)

Energy?  Oh, I have energy but could always use a charge.  But even alone, I can hug a statue to life. It’s true.  Look:

I can hug a statue to life!

But it isn’t just energy I can bring to the table, I can bring great networking skills.  Mad networking skillz.  In fact, I am not above jumping into a hot tub fully clothed to meet someone and tell them all about whatever it is I want to because face it, when you see someone plummeting towards you in a hot tub, you tend to listen.

Hot Tub Networking

But those can be the easy talks.  You have a captive audience while in a hot tub or talking to an inanimate statue.  They tend to listen.  However, when I am all charged up (like the  Energizer_® Recharge Smart™ Charger) I will go into battle for the message and not be afraid to come out beaten and bruised to make my point.  Just look at the battle scars I am willing to endure for a cause.  (Of course, I would never cause this to anyone to share my message or give away a USB charger. I am too nice for something like that!)

I can take a hit and still keep on going and going and going....

My point is this:  If you really want someone with SUPER high energy to tell people about the Energizer_® Recharge Smart™ Charger, I am totally your girl!  People think that it is the coffee that makes me so high energy.  Well, there is some truth to that and the Diet Coke, but mainly, I just love people.  Meeting people.  Seeing old friends. Talking about things I am passionate about- well, actually talking about everything.

So why am I a good fit for this scholarship/Gift from the Energizer gods above? Well, let’s just compare, shall we?

The Energizer_® Recharge Smart™ Charger features a large LCD screen with a countdown clock displaying remaining charging time and a fuel gauge indicating the current level of power in the inserted NiMH rechargeable batteries.  It also features a slow charge rate, which extends the number of battery life cycles.

Me?  Well, I don’t have a large LCD screen with a countdown clock but I have a big mouth that can share information. (Maybe I should look into getting one of those LCD screens with a countdown to warn people when my batteries are low, too.)  I do have fuel gage but it isn’t one you can see.  It is more like one you can sense when my energy is down.  It is then you know it is time to recharge the Jenn.  I, too, have a slow recharge to last longer. (A nap.)  Or a quick charger. (Diet Coke or coffee.)

The Energizer_® Recharge Smart™ Charger features and a bad battery alert that automatically indicates if the batteries are no longer useful or if a disposable battery has been inserted by mistake.

Oh, honey, if you know me, you know that I can automatically detect a bad battery (or in my case a bad cup of coffee) when trying to recharge.  I can also tell if someone has tried to slip me another diet soda that is not Diet Coke and that  just doesn’t work with me.  Much like a dead battery won’t work for my toys.

I am meant to be combined with this amazing product.  I have 3 kids.  We go through batteries almost as fast as we go through toilet paper.  Every grocery shopping list always has batteries on it. (Of course, I usually forget to get them, but that is a totally different story!)  I know batteries. I know how frustrating it is when batteries die or you think you hit the jackpot with a new battery only to find that some rude kid in the house put a BAD battery back into the junk drawer. (What?  You have a just drawer, too!)  Energizer Recharge Smart Charger  & I are meant to be together.  We have so much in common!  And? I have tried other ways to recharge batteries my own way.  Let me just be the first to tell you that dunking a battery into a cup of coffee to give it a charge (like I get from coffee)  just doesn’t work.  Don’t try that at home, kids.  The Energizer people have a way better method than I do, for sure!

This is the Energizer Recharge Smart Charger

This is Jenn Recharging

See?  We even color coordinate!  We are the perfect match!

The bottom line is this:  I want to go to BlogHer so much it hurts.  I have never missed and the thought of missing this year breaks my heart.  (When less than a dozen people have ever missed and it would be awesomely cool to keep this track record going to support BlogHer and continue to be an active part of this conference.)  This is my one shot left.  I do hope I am chosen as a Energizer Smart ChargHER !  You know you want me.  I know I want you.  Let’s make it official and join us in a union that just may be illegal in at least 38 states but I am willing to risk it to be paired up for BlogHer with Energizer.  I am a risk taker, people.

Because let’s face it, after the year I have had, I so desperately need a rechargHER in my life.

(This is where the dramatic yet poignant music plays that tugs at your heart strings after making you laugh and tells your heart and your head to pick me!  So you do.)

See you at BlogHer10.  Right?  I’ll be the one in the Energizer shirt. (I hope!)

Disclaimer:  I did tweet about this contest several times.  However, as much as I need and want this, I couldn’t flood Twitter with requests.  I have built up a reputation with my follows- both friends and business associates- that I do not want to ruin with a flood of tweets asking for help when it may risk the relationships I have worked so hard to build.  I have tweeted, will tweet more and hope that it is enough that I do want and need this but as much as I do, I fear that PR people, friends and business associates would be insulted if that was the majority of my twitter stream.  I hope this doesn’t effect my chances at winning and I do hope that the amazing mommies at Barefoot Mommies will understand how I have to protect my brand.

If you want to help you can go on Twitter and tweet or RT (retweet) this: I think @javajenn should be a $2000 #BlogHer10 sponsorship courtesy of #energizer & @BarefootMomma http://bit.ly/9b01we Please!

Thanks for any help.

Oh, and if you just stumbled here and were thinking, “Hey, this woman is funny and should really go to BlogHer, I totally want to sponsor her because it looks like that sad sack has absolutely no sponsors at all!” Feel free to contact me.

I have a confession to make.  One of these rules I break every chance I get.

You see, I have been banned from reading Janet Evanovich books in bed.  Especially the Stephanie Plum series.  Why Janet Evanovich?  Because I “allegedly” wake him up every time I read these books in bed.  Okay, I admit to laughing.  Out loud.  Sometimes I try to hold it in.  That just results in me shaking the bed so hard it wakes him up simply because I am laughing so hard and trying not to make a noise so as to not wake him.  Or it results in the loud laugh-snort.  None of it works.  I laugh. Out loud.  Every time.  Thus, the ban.

So last night I was ready.  I came to bed as if everything was normal.  I had my water (ahem Diet Coke), my phone and my book.

“Freeze!”   He looks at me hard.

“What?” I mutter in my most demure manner.

I was ready.  See, I am onto Clint.  He knows the release date for the new Evanovich books.  He had the nerve to think that I would blatantly bring in a new Plum novel.  Ha! You see, I knew he might be looking for it so I did what any rational person in this situation would do.  I put a Stuart Woods cover over the book so that it appeared to be a Stuart Woods book and not my forbidden fruit of hilariousness.

“What do you have?”

“Ummm, a drink, my phone and a book.” I held the book up for him to see.  He looked doubtful but let it go.

I silently giggle and crawl into bed.

By the third page I am giggling and trying to hold it in.  By the second chapter I am laughing out loud and trying to practically bite my pillow to resist.

“Hand it over.”

I jump.  I thought he was asleep. “What? Huh? What book?”

He lays there with his hand outstretched waiting for me to hand over my book.

“That is SO unfair!” I pout and hand over the book.

“I cannot believe you thought you could sneak this past me.  You know you laugh.  You know you wake me up.  Did you think your fake cover would work?”

“Well, actually, yes, I did.  Let me get this clear: That book right there in  your hand is off limits in bed.  That book.”

I could see he was wondering where I was going with that.  “This book and any of her books-paperback and hardback. One through 16.”

There was victory in his eyes as I rolled over and turned out the light.

As soon as he fell asleep, I reached for my book light & my Kindle.  I giggled as I threw the covers over my head and began to read Sizzling Sixteen right where I left off when I handed over my book.

Silly man!  He totally should have seen that one coming.

I tried it again tonight.  He totally busted me when I started to giggle.  I get my Kindle back at daybreak.

Good thing I have Kindle app for the iPhone!

We met here the first morning I was there.  I was just relaxing on the beach and he caught my eye.

"Our Spot"

It’s not like I could resist jumping up to see him and meet him.  I knew my eagerness would scare him away but it did not.  He approached me cautiously but didn’t flee.  My heart leaped with joy.  In 17 years of vacationing here, this had never happened to me. What I thought was a one time meeting became an every day experience.  At the same time every day I would race to the beach to meet him and there he was.  Even my son met him face to face.  I suppose my only regret is that we missed each other my last day at the beach.  Maybe he was too sad.  Maybe he knew I would be too sad.  Maybe it was the idiot teenagers chasing everything that moved in the water that caused him to stay away.  Perhaps it was for the best.  Goodbyes are never easy.  I tried to get a picture of him one day, but he raced off too quickly.

This is a rendering of him along with a picture that looks very much like he does:

Rendering of my ~Crush~

~Crush Look Alike~

What?  Like you never went to the beach and met a sea turtle that you had a crush on and then met up with him every day? Oh, please, it isn’t like that kind of stuff just happens to me.  Is it?

But it wasn’t just folicking with sea turtles.  Oh, no!

Everyday I spent laughing with people I love, sharing amazing food and spending time relaxing and refocusing.  I did a lot of writing.  This was the view from my office:

Oh, but it certainly was not all work!  Not at all!  I spent some wonderful time with these people whom I love:

Who needs poses when you have laughter

I think some of my favorite times were spent with my brother and sister.  We always laugh when we are together.  Always.  Being with them is so good for my soul.

Oh, the tales we could tell on each other!

Of course, I spent time with my amazing children.  And, well, you know the tale: Getting two teenage boys to pose for more than a couple of pictures is sheer TORTURE.  It is practially downright abusive to them.  But, I did get a few.  Here is one of my favorites with my and my babies:

Yes, my boys are that much taller than I am!

At the end of the day, there was much to laugh about.  Especially for your kids when they knew that you were about to be attacked by a flock of seagulls.  And totally not the kind that will sing to you.  The kind that absolutely will poop on you.

The Flock of Sea Gulls didn't even sing to me as they flew over!

But at the end of the day we all enjoyed beautiful sunsets together.  We knew another perfect day was ending when we saw this:

Another perfect end to a perfect day

Though some of us night owls tended to get back up after the house of 23 was quiet and calm.  when we did, we were treated to beautiful sites such as this:

If you were a night owl, you enjoyed nights like this

So, there is a brief glimpse into my vacation.  Oh, there are tons more pictures I could share but the time, the bandwidth, the “that is so sucking vacation chill from me” is going to cut it here.  (I have many more on Facebook!)

THE END!

I had so many things to say and write about over the past “not so much blogging” time but yet allowed myself to feel very restricted by people around me.  Yes, I broke my own rule and let others silence me.  Will. Not. Happen. Again.  At least not for the reasons it happened this time.  April & May just flat out sucked. No other way to say it.  I allowed people who don’t care about me try to push me down.  Oh, they can justify it.  But, with every justification or excuse, I can come back with the written truth. (Save emails & voicemails, people.) or my version.   But none of that really matters.  In the long run, I saw some people for who they really were on the inside– not who they appear to be.  I was pleasantly surprised with some, not at all surprised by others and very saddened to see the true colors of some who were once so respected.  Thankfully, those who do care about me held me up, supported me and got me through better than before. And really, aren’t those the people who matter anyway?  Those who truly do care about you and your family and not an agenda they have?

In the long run, what was meant to slam me down and break me, built me up and made me stronger and better.  How?  It caused me to take a step back and ask myself:  What am I passionate about?  I mean really passionate about!  Not “I’ll do this because I have to, because I am expected to, or because no one else will” kind of jobs/activities.  I am talking about what makes you want to jump out of bed and do it without the dread.  Or the thing that makes you want to shout to the world that you are doing it not feel the need to self medicate to get through it.  What are you really, truly, deep in your heart passionate about?

For me, that question was easy.  I mean so easy it slapped me in the face with the obvious.  My family is a given but let’s just put them first as to avoid any confusion.  The next answer…DUH….writing.  I become excited.  I get happy.  I find that I am energized and motivated and at peace when I am writing.  The other stuff was filler.  I am not saying I wasn’t excited and passionate when I started other things but that passion and excitement was ripped from me and caused me to really look hard at whether or not that is something I want to take up so much of my time.  The answer was no. I could dig in and fight.  I had the support from the ones I needed it from but it wasn’t worth it.  It didn’t define me.  It wasn’t something that I wanted to take time away from my family for in the long run. I stepped out of my comfort zone, out of my bubble, took a huge leap of faith and it didn’t work out.  That happens.  There are people who are passionate about it and do live for jobs like the one I had.  I am not one of them.  I support those who find their peace and purpose in it.  Choosing to leave wasn’t hard in the end.  I lost friends, gained new friends, strengthened some bonds and broke others.

Was it all worth it?  Well, when it caused me to look long and hard into myself, my passions and my life…yes.  Maybe I had to come full circle to get back to being my authentic self.  I would never question that or regret it.  Life may take us down painful paths, but in the end, when  you find where you want to be and where you are the happiest and most at peace, your journey is worth it.

I’ve come full circle.

And I’m better for it.

What are you truly passionate about?

There are people I love who have been through hell this past week.  Good people. For that matter, maybe even some bad people, too.  Who they are doesn’t matter.  They are people.  Many are suffering.  Many are in situations that are unfathomable to you as you sit in the comfort of your home cruising the Internet.  Situations that should bring a tear to your eye or at the very least make you see that there is a world out there so much bigger than your tiny circle that you deal with on a daily basis.  People whose problems are bigger than many of yours.  Most definitely that are much bigger than anything in my life, that is for damn sure!

This is Nashville:

Look at it.  Watch it.  And when you do, don’t ignore it.  What if it was your town?  What if you were stranded without power for days and couldn’t get out or get supplies?  What if your neighbor or your friend was missing and you knew that it has become a “recovery mission” and not a “rescue mission” now?  Ask yourself whether or not the little annoyances matter in the grand scheme of things.  As people have lost everything, ask yourself if the situations you are in- whether by choice or circumstance- are nearly as devastating or nearly as important as the ones these people are facing right now. Or if maybe, just maybe, you personally could use some of your own passionate nature (and I know my readers…they are passionate) to better use for these people.  When you complain about having to deal with difficult people at work, be thankful you can go to work and then have a home to come back to at the end of the day. A home that is not under water. A home that is not devastated.  A home where you have not lost everything.

I am not saying your problems are not real.  They are real.  Your struggles and grievances are just as valid.  And, yes, they do matter. But for the love of all things human, LOOK at what people are dealing with right now.  Look at their problems.  Look at the real devastation in their lives and ask yourself:  If I refocused my energies on the people of Nashville who need it, would that be a better use of passion, my prayers and my time than whatever it is I am currently focused on?

This flood hits my heart hard.  I have people I have come to love that live there.  I have friends who have been blessed enough to only endure a lack of power and friends who have seen complete devastation.  THIS is what matters right now to me.   And,  you know what?  THIS is where I choose to focus my energy, my attention and my heart.  The silly little bullshit that goes on in day to day life that no one truly cares about and won’t even remember a year from now?  I Do. Not. Care. About.  That.  Not when people I love face a situation such as this.  My attention is where it needs to be and should be.

I care about these people who need it.  I care about the loss of lives.  I care about the people who are mourning the deaths of neighbors and praying that they can have something…anything… of their lives to salvage.

People I love are in need of my attention.  And that?  That is where I am focused because that is what matters in my heart.

And I would hope it would matter to others as well.  Get out of your bubble and give your attention to people who need it. Isn’t that what humanity, compassion and “the greater good” really are about?

Think about it.

To help

- Check Hands on Nashville or follow  Hands on Nashville on Twitter for information

-Or, donate to the Community Foundation of Middle Tennessee

For many of us a time has come or will come when your circumstances or the people you have chosen to surround yourself with will bring you to your knees, break your heart or back you into a corner where you can see no way out.  Rather than focusing on the pain or the intense feelings of loneliness and anger you are bound to feel, take a good look at who is still standing with you.  Take a really good look.  Those are the people you want in your corner.  Those are the people whose opinions and truth you want to rely on at that time.  Those people who are ready, willing and able to drop everything to see you through the hardest of times– those are the people who do truly care and support you.  The ones who are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt through your successes and failures.

Now, I am not saying that the other people who choose to turn away are people not worthy of your time, your prayers or your friendship.  But those are not the people you should depend on to make your life choices or help you through the tough times.  Those are not the people you need to depend on in a time of pain. They are merely people who have been brought into your life for a reason and a season.  They  have brought a life lesson with them.  They have brought to you something you can take away.  They are no less important in the grand scheme of things.   They are your life teachers.  Sometimes they are gentle and kind teachers who come and go from your life and bless with you with what they have brought to you.  Sometimes there are those people whose lessons are brutal and painful.  And sometimes those lessons are ones that you would never learn if it were not for the suffering they bring to you.  They are just as important to your growth as a person as the people in your life that you know will never abandon you, abuse you or leave you when things get rough.  They serve as a catalyst for a life lesson.  People that somewhere deep inside- when you can think clearly through the pain or anger- that have led you to the path you should take or off of the one that will destroy your very soul.

My Mom always said life isn’t fair.  And it isn’t.  However, when the chips are down and you find out who stands with you, supports you and will be there for you, you should be thankful.  Just as you should be thankful for the ones who broke your heart.  Not in the same way, yet nevertheless their importance should not be diminished because you are hurt.

So what do you do in those times when  you are broken and beaten down?  You reach up, take the hand (or hands) that are offered, stand up, brush yourself off and move forward.  Hopefully you’ll find yourself a better person for the life lesson they have brought. Even if they were brought to you at a great cost or with pain.

This week I learned many lessons.  Some that had me in tears of pain for days.  Some that have me in tears of extreme gratitude.  And some that just opened my eyes in general to the reality– and not the perceived reality– but the actual reality of  people, situations and circumstances I have allowed into my life that are toxic to me and my family.  For that, I am truly thankful for those people and situations.  They brought with them a lesson for a season.  A lesson of fire and pain but a lesson that I can not only carry with me but use to help and guide others when I see them go down a similar path.  It is an opportunity to share my experiences with others and let them know they are not alone when they find themselves beaten down and broken.  I’ve learned our experiences are not for nothing.  They are not trivial.  We have not suffered them in vain.

I suppose what I am saying is that you should not regret the decisions you have made and the people you have had in your life.  If your lesson has been learned and those people are truly there only for a season and simply for a single reason, you will find peace in moving forward.  You will have learned what you needed to learn and the loss, though it can be painful, has served its purpose.  Yes, even those who break  your heart.  There is a reason and a lesson. When you learn it, you will grow, be stronger and see things much clearer as you let them go.

But never, ever forget to take the time to thank those who are there for the good and the bad.  The ones who stand with you when you succeed and when you fail.  I am talking about the people who will always stand beside you and support you and will be honest with you from their heart and from a place of love because those are the people you can always be free to hand over your heart to and know that it will be cherished and not broken.  Just remember to thank those people in your life who are truly and genuinely there for you.  They are your blessings.  They are your true gifts in life.  Blessings to lean on through your sufferings and to cheer with you through your celebrations.  And in return, you will grow with them and be able to hold their heart in your hands and cherish it and take care of it with gentle hands just as they have done for you.

Lessons are learned.

Seasons change.

And people leave.

Those who don’t turn their backs and walk away…well, count  your blessings.  Never take them for granted. I know I never will again.  For I am blessed.  Broken hearted but full of peace for I know now without any doubt in my mind, I do not and never will stand alone.

With the help of those friends standing with me…

It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down

Unlimited
My future is unlimited
And I just had a vision
almost like a prophecy
I know it sounds truly crazy
And it’s true, the vision’s hazy
But I swear someday I’ll be
Flying so high

I’m defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
I’m defying gravity

And you won’t bring me down
Bring me down
Bring me down

For example, we agreed that for us we should probably wait at least five years until we tried to have our first child.

Brandon was born three years after we were married.

We agreed that we should probably have an even number of children since we both grew up in families with three kids and we knew someone would be set apart. (Clint for being 15  years younger than his next older brother and me because I was the unexpected baby.)  I felt strongly about this.  I thought even numbers would even things out.

We have three kids.

We talked about working outside the home or being a stay at home mom and decided I should be a stay at home mom while the kids were young and as soon as they were all in school, I would go to work full time.

I haven’t worked outside the home in 17 years.  I do, however, work full time as a volunteer as the PTA president.

And for the love of all things educational, I promised I would never homeschool our kids. (Seeing as we wanted to give them the best chance at being well educated and I knew I would fall short if I were to homeschool them.  I know myself.  I have nothing against it but it was something I was dead set against doing myself.)

Z is now being homeschooled.

Yes, you read that correctly.  I am the PTA president at one kid’s school while I homeschool another. I am a contradiction of myself.

It started a month or so into school.  Z was just not feeling well.  To me he looked pale and he was complaining of dizziness often.  He started missing more and more school.  For weeks I would take him to school and within 45 minutes, the nurse would call me telling me he needed to come home.  One time it was dizziness another his oxygen levels was too low etc etc.  It got to the point where I would drop him off, go get a coffee and then return to the school in time to pick him up (knowing the nurse would call).

Of course even with the nurse sending him home I still had the dean calling, sending letters and threatening truancy court. (I will go with Stupid School Contradictions for $500, Alex.)

Finally, late in October I got a call from an administrator at Z’s school.  She told me that he was stable, but they had to call 911 for him.

This is where I pause while you imagine getting that call from your kid’s school.

I got to his school in record time.  Driving up and seeing an ambulance and firetruck at the school entrance and knowing it was for my child was terrifying.  When I got to him, he was surrounded by paramedics, had an IV and looked paler than I have ever seen him.  Riding in the ambulance to the hospital was a ride I will not soon forget.

It was in that week that I realized how many specialists I was going to have to see to figure out what was going on as well as how ridiculous it was to continually get phone calls from the school about him not being there yet knowing it was not safe to send him until we figured things out.

I pulled him out of school the next week.  It was then that we entered the empowering yet intimidating world of homeschooling.  Empowering because we- as his parents- get to decide what is best for him as far as his health is concerned and not fear the sword of truancy falling on our heads.  Intimidating because HELLO, I am so not smarter than an 8th grader.  How in the world could I ever teach him all he needed to know?  How could I ever give him the tools he needs to be successful?  What have I done?

And yet, we persist.  We push forward.  We make it work for us.  Right now Z is currently take his CBE’s to see where we really need to be focusing on.  (CBE stands for credit by examination.)  Oh, look!  I got to use homeschool speak on my blog. Totally a foreign language.  They should offer it as an elective in schools. (See what I did there? *snort*)

So basically, to sum it up:  We broke most of the parenting agreements we set forth before having kids within 3 years. (I guess it is a good thing we didn’t have ‘promise to obey‘ in our wedding vows or all hell would break loose.)

And?  I am doing two things I promised myself I would never do: homeschool one of my children and become a PTA mom– especially not the president.  (Folks, Stepford shudders at that last statement. Trust me!)

And there is my life. Just one huge contradiction after another.   I also agreed that I would become a good homemaker and cook.  Yeah.  It’s a good thing the mind goes after nearly 20 years of marriage or Clint might actually catch on to the fact that I really didn’t know what I was talking about when I was a young, new bride and agreed to all of this.  What did I know? (Very little!)

Like my Mom always told me: Never say never. (Which never made sense until I became old enough for my nevers to come back and bite me in the arse!)