Anxiety

November 10, 2003

I have been sitting here for a while trying so hard to come up with a light hearted post. One that would make you laugh or roll your eyes, but one that you would enjoy.

I can’t today.

Not because I am just being lazy or “having a Monday”.

I am just in a state of complete terror and have that backed-against-a-wall anxiety going on today. You know the kind where you can’t sit still. You can’t eat. You are even having a hard time breathing. Yes, that kind. (Oh beloved Xanax? Where are you when I need you?)

Why? We’ve been out of work for almost 2 years. Yes, that long. Somehow, something has always happened and we have been able to get through. I am not so sure that is going to happen now. It seems as if the whole “robbing Peter to pay Paul” business is catching up. It seems Peter and Paul have had a meeting and now everyone wants a piece of us.

No, it isn’t just money that freaks me out. It is life.

Where do you go when you have no options? What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Where do you turn when there is no where to turn?

We have lived in limbo for so long, I know that making some sort of decision will be good for us. The thing is, we have no idea what that decision should be. Frankly, the anxiety of a situation like this is hard on anyone. And really, let’s face it, I don’t have the best coping skills.

Anyway, I am not sure what the point of all of this is except that I thought if I wrote about it and got it off my chest, then maybe I would be able to breath a bit better and not feel this tightness in my chest. But that is not the case. So I am off to find a nice quiet place to have my severe anxiety attack.

Oh yeah, and happy Monday.
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Hair today, gone tomorrow

November 6, 2003

Thank you so much for your support! You all blow me away when you email me or make comments of support when I am having an off day. You’re the greatest! Thanks.

I know what started my day off wrong yesterday (besides my bad haircut…which I will get to in a minute). I watched a show that was really sad first thing in the morning. Now, why, I ask you, would someone who knows she is emotional, who knows she carries with her a saddness all day if something makes her cry, why would she watch something sad to start the day off?

I don’t know either, but I did. It just shaped the whole day up to be a depressing day.

And then, to top it off, I hate my haircut. Hmmm, hate. Can I even use hate and have that fit? How about loathe my hair and would probably buy chocolate for a friend if they had gotten this cut just to make her feel better. Is it a bad cut? Not as far as technique and style go. But I want my long hair back NOW. It was well below my shoulder blades and now it is above my shoulders. I hate it. I can flip it really great like Susie Co-Ed and it is easy, but I don’t like how it looks on me.

Guys, listen. Haircuts are not something to be taken lightly. Oh sure, it grows out. Yeah. I get that. But honestly, that is just not so much a consolation when I look in a mirror. So now, the only way to make it somewhat bareable is to make it cutesy. (Think Meg Ryan but with more of a bang look. Oh sure, it looks great on her, but I don’t really have her face, ya know? Or her size 0 body.)

So anyway, that is my hair rant today. Stay tuned tomorrow when I talk about such thrilling things as socks and the mystery of how they get lost in a dryer. Gripping stuff, I tell ya!
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And again I give you advise

October 30, 2003

PSA #2 for the day. Just because I love you so much. This one is for the ladies, gentlemen. You guys can just talk among yourselves.

Ladies, here is a helpful tip in dealing with members of the opposite sex. When one of them looks directly at your chest and says something like, “Bad hair day, eh?” And you’re really tempted to smart off with a quick comeback such as “Unless my breasts suddenly sprouted dredlocks, you’re looking several inches too low to make any comments on my hair!” Well, here is an important tip. Check to make sure you aren’t wearing a shirt like this . It could save you plenty of embarrassment.

Again, it really isn’t important how I know this. But really…you can trust me.
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Diet Schmiet

October 28, 2003

I usually don’t get into talk about weight loss, diets and fitness. Pretty much because for each person you talk to, you will probably get a different way of thinking about those topics. You have those loyal to one particular “diet” and swear that it is the best way. Then you get another one who found a new way of eating that has “made all the difference in the world”. There are those who say work out 45 minutes a day every other day to get fit and those who say 15 minutes everyday is the way to go. There are your low carbers, your low fats, your points people and your drink-your-meals folks. For all of those, you can find many people who swear it is the way to go. Then of course, you have the fad dieters. We won’t even go there.

See, so many ways to get the body you want. So many ways to reach the ultimate body type that you so badly crave. I’ve been there and done that.

After Kidlet Jr was born, I was…shall we say…very fluffy and cushioned. And so very unhappy. I took a rather unhealthy route to getting thin. And it worked. I lost A LOT of weight and looked and felt fabulous. And I kept it off, too. For a few years, I felt good in my own skin. Then I got pregnant with The Little Diva. After she was born, my body once again changed. Not back like it was at my darkest, heavy time. But enough to no longer feel comfortable in my own skin again. So, I decided to fix that and do something about it. Get toned up. Lose the pounds that never left after my pregnancy.

They (don’t you just love the universal ‘they’?) say get a partner. That helps. I chose my husband. Good idea? For him, sure. He has lost weight, toned up and looks and feels great. I am thrilled for him. I on the other hand didn’t stick to the plan like he did and am stuck back where I was.

So here I am with a very hot husband feeling so bad in my own skin (worse in fact than I did before I decided I wanted to tone up) that I have pulled away from him. I am not thinking this is the way I wanted all of this to go down.

Now, I am back on track to do this. For me. Doing it for anyone else sucks and won’t work. Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t like I have tons of weight to lose will use old clothes as new circus tents. That honestly has nothing to do with it. I am ready to feel good in my own skin again. I want to look at me and not turn away unhappy.

And before you say it, I will. I know that most of that comes from within. I know. I have to work on the inside with the outside. I know. Just saying that I need to do more to work on the outside.

So here is my question to you: What have you found that helps motivate you? Where does your inspiration come from? I know that Joelle and Kathy have set up a new great site called Put Down the Donut. That one is really good, by the way, if you haven’t seen it, go check it out. So far, I have agreed with all of their reviews. So, for me, they are right on track with my tastes.

Anyway, I guess since I share everything with you, I thought I would share this new battle with you as well. The battle to get fit, lose weight and find peace in the skin I live in. (Too much info? Sorry. Don’t you just love the drama I can bring? It is never ending. Your own what-new-level-of-Jenn-will-we-see-today drama.)
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Top Ten

October 26, 2003

The top ten things I learned while driving in the car with 3 kids and 1 husband in the rain in a small car for 6 hours:

1) You really shouldn’t drink 2 cups of coffee and a diet coke before leaving on said road trip and then expect not to have to stop. Also, you should expect at least one eyeroll from another person at the mention of the necessary stop.

2) If you make a stuffed monkey dance and act crazy for the Little Diva, you must remember that your car windows are not shields from the outside world and passing motorists will see you and nearly wreck their car/truck/SUV laughing. (Sidenote: Truckers will honk. Be ready for it.)

3) Don’t play “Guess what object I am thinking of” with your husband and kids after being in the car for over 4 hours when you are aware that you are in a giddy, smart-ass mood. Some of your answers may not be appropriate for childrens’ ears.

4) Suggesting the quiet game to the kids and then saying that you just know they will never be able to do it better than you will buy you at least 10 minutes of silence to read your book. (Sidenote: Offering a second chance to the first one to talk may enable you to extend the time ever further!)

5) Do not use the words food, hungry, snack or drinks in any sentence unless you are prepared to stop at the next gas station and buy said food, snacks or drinks for the now hungry kids whining in the back seat.

6) IF the kidets in the back seat have been quiet long enough for you to momentarily forget they are there, do not jokingly ask your spouse if you should flash the truckers in a moment of sheer boredom. Trust me. It brings up too many questions that you may not feel like answering.

7) After 793 times of hearing “How much longer” it is perfectly acceptable to just say “2 hours” or “100 miles” no matter how far away you may be. It is easy and they accept it. At first. After that, they just roll their eyes at you. Which is fine. It just means that they are as irritated with you as you are with them. There is balance now.

I am a terrible passenger. Terrible.

9) Did I mention that I am a bad passenger?

10) There is no place like home.
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Walking on stones

October 21, 2003

I have done something weird to my foot. My heel to be precise. It feels like I am walking around with a stone stuck in my shoe, but I am not wearing shoes. It hurts all the way up the sides of my heel too. I must be walking in a somewhat bizarre way now to compensate because the calf muscle on that leg is feeling strained. I am not talking about mild discomfort here. I mean, I laid in bed last night crying it hurt so bad. Now, if I stepped on something and bruised it, I have no idea what it was or when it was.

So, I guess I am just going to limp myself around today and take Advil and hope for the best. More importantly, I am going to use it as an excuse to get out of mopping my floors. “Would love to mop, dear, but my foot hurts. Maybe tomorrow.” I mean, come on, you know you would do it too.

All I know is that this is some big time pain that really needs to go away NOW. I have a field trip to go on tomorrow with Kidlet Sr. This is just going to slow me down. Trust me, I don’t want to be slow when I am in charge of a class of 4th graders at an Outdoor Learning Center, thankyouverymuch.

(If you know of any miracle cures or remedies, let me know. I will be forever in your debt.)
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Please tell me…

October 19, 2003

Please tell me it isn’t really Sunday night. Please tell me that the paper I see sitting unfinished on Kidlet Sr’s desk isn’t homework that was supposed to be done. Please tell me that the stuff I was supposed to have finished by tomorrow and didn’t get finished really doesn’t have to be finished tomorrow. Please tell me that I don’t hear Little Diva still talking.

Because, between you and me, my Nyquil is kicking in and I just can’t deal with any of it tonight. So please, tell me I can have one more day added to my weekend.

Please.

No?

Then can you at least send Mr Sandman my way so that I won’t be sleep deprived while trying to deal with my Monday?

Thankyouverymuch!
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Under the wire

October 18, 2003

Don’t you just hate it when you go to a blog that you read regularly (or even not so regularly) because you see it has been updated, but then you come to find it was only updated so that they wouldn’t miss a day of posting and the fact of the matter is that they really didn’t have anything to say after all? Don’t you just hate that?

Yeah, me too!
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Home at last!

October 12, 2003

He’s home! He’s home! I just wanted to share that my sweetie is home. I have missed him so much.

In other news…it has been a kickin’ weekend for my sports teams. Aggies: won. Cowboys: won. Stars: Won. The planets must’ve been aligned just right!

Off to snuggle.
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Girls…how bizarre!

I just got off the phone with a couple of the gals from our girls weekend. I wanted to call them last night and hear the fun. But, then again, I knew I would hear the fun. And for me, that wouldn’t be much fun. I was looking forward to this weekend for the obvious reasons, but for other reasons as well.

You see, I don’t get along great with women. I never have. Maybe it is because of the neighborhood where I grew up. There were only a handful of girls. There was me and my sister. There was a girl who thought she was better then everyone else and only wanted to play once in a while. When she did play, she usually went racing back home screaming because one of us made her cry. She was just too easy a target to resist. Then there was my best female friend. She was the youngest of 6 kids and pretty much wanted to be babied. I didn’t do well with the babying thing. I never really wanted to play the same things she did, so although we got along great for the most part, I still didn’t understand her very well. Then we had our next door neighbor. In hindsight, she was probably in desperate need for some adult to just take her in and accept her. Her family was very bizarre. She kept to herself a lot. Even when we tried to get her to play, she usually did not want to. Those were the girls. That’s all. The rest were boys. Boys who ranged from Boy Scouts to Criminals and everything in between.

So, when it come to interacted and socializing, I learned most of that from guys. And let’s face it, guys and girls are NOT the same when it comes to how they interact with each other. I learned to be upfront. If you were acting like a baby, you were called a baby. If you looked like crap, a guy would look at you and say something tactful like “What happened to you? You look like crap.” This is how I learned to interact.

Then we moved. And I was thrust into the world of female communication. It baffled me to see that they would say one thing and mean another. That you could not take everything at face value. That how you looked was everything and character meant little. [Before you go getting irritated with me. This is a select group of females and I am specifically talking about the ones that I got to know when we moved. They were just girls. I am not saying all women are this way.]

So, it began my love/hate relationship. I still try to figure out some women and wonder how they think. I still usually get along better with men than women. I just feel more comfortable being myself. More accepted.

Then I met these women I was supposed to go out with this weekend. They are great. I mean, if I showed up 15 lbs heavier, no make-up and in ugly clothes, they would probably laugh at my fashion sense and accept me anyway. Not talk about me behind my back later. They are real. They are friends. And for the first time in years, I was going to go hang out with them. I miss them.

So if I seem selfish to be sad that I missed my weekend, forgive me. Maybe I am selfish. I just wanted a break and time to be just Me. Not anyone else. Nothing to anyone. Just Me. But as everyone has told me, there will be other weekends. I know. I know.
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