Secrets revealed

December 8, 2004

If you have been around here for very long (as in since last Christmas), it should not come as a surprise that I love me some Heat Miser. There is just something about that hot little fellow.

So, it looks like the Star may have gotten wind of a deep dark secret that I thought would never come back to haunt me. I was sure I paid off the right people. However, I suppose I should be the one to tell you, my dear readers.

Years ago, in a moment of heated passion, I gave into my longing for Heat Miser. Oh, it was a short-lived little fling. He was just too hot for me to handle. (You know. That whole “whatever he touches starts to melt in his clutch” thing got old fast. ) Though I tried so hard to keep it a secret, the truth has been revealed.

There was as love child. Yes, my friends, I am the mother to Heat Miser’s bastard son.

See for yourself.

Heat Miser:

Me

jenn

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Posted by Jenn @ 3:45 pm | Comments |

Screamus Interuptus

September 14, 2004

By now you may have figured out that Tuesdays and Thursdays are my days. As in no one is home but me. I have been trying to be productive on these days. I have written (the book is coming along great!), I have touched up essays and queries for publications, and I have cleaned my house top to bottom. (Okay, that whole cleaning the house part is a lie, but I was on such a roll there I wanted to believe it myself.)

Anyway, due to my ever-present friend Mr. Insomnia, I haven’t been feeling like my usually energetic self. So today I decided to allow myself the luxury of a nap. Ahhhh, the joys of having freedom to sleep during the day and not fear waking up to a destroyed house or my face colored with a rainbow of permanent markers. Although, I didn’t want to totally check out for the day, so I decided to just crash on the couch. I would be able to sleep, yet not get into such a deep sleep that it was hard to get moving again. I was just after a refreshing catnap.

Excited at the prospect of uninterrupted sleep, I muted the ringer on the phone. I turned off all of the lights and television. Happily, I grabbed my favorite cozy blanket, my heavenly down-filled pillow and stretched out on the inviting couch. It wasn’t long before Mr. Sandman had me deep into my nap. I am talking about thoroughly enjoying the deepest kind of slobber-sleep one can enjoy during the day. Out cold. Dead to the world. (Getting the picture of how wonderfully and blissfully asleep I was?)

Only to be awakened by the most terrifying, blood curdling, heart stopping, fear induced scream I had ever heard! (This is not how I enjoy being awakened AT ALL!)

I want to tell you that I immediately jumped up off of the couch, flew into a fierce martial arts stance and was ready to face my attacker head on. I’d love to tell you how brave I was in the face of some unknown and terrifying danger. I’d like to. I can’t.

The truth of the matter is that I dove under my blanket like the chickenshit I am. I was shaking so much it probably looked as if I were having a seizure. Frantic thoughts began to race through my mind.

“Who is in my house and why are they screaming?” Oh holy hell in a hand-basket, they wanted me to be fully aware of what was happening to me before they inflict inhumane torturing on me! Oh for the love of all that is not going to kill me, why? Wait. “That makes no sense”, I thought to myself.

Perhaps a friend of mine thought it would be funny to scare the ever-living daylights out of me. I pondered. “Nah. No one I know is that mean.”

A million other possibilities raced through my head as I began to wonder if I ever told Clint where my will was and how exactly I wanted the children to be raised if I was ever brutally attacked by a screamer in my home. It began to dawn on me that before I fell asleep, I had set the security alarm. How did someone get in? Ohhhh, they are good. (Rational thought? Nah.)

Gradually I became a bit braver. First I peeked one eye out from under the blanket. I saw nothing. Then the other eye peeked. Finally, I went all out and uncovered my entire head. I saw nothing. I knew they must have been taunting me. Ever so slowly, I crawled off of the couch and crept around the corner to make sure no one was hiding in the kitchen with my set of cheap steak knives. (Cheap steak knives that better never go in the dishwasher or else–or so I am told.) No one there.

As I began to rub the sleep from my eyes, more rational thought began to slowly emerge.

What was the last thing I was doing before I fell asleep. Well, reading blogs of course! Hmmm, okay. What was my last thought before going to sleep? I have no idea. What was I dreaming about while I was dead to the world slobber-sleeping? Oohhhhhhh!

I was having a nightmare about sock-monkeys and scary-ass killer dolls. (Thanks eversomuch, Kristine.**) Are you with me, people? Have you figured this one out yet?

That terrifying, blood curdling, heart stopping, fear induced scream that awakened me and just about made me soil my pants while having a heart attack all at the same time…remember that scream? Yes, it was my very own scream. I screamed so loud and in such a terrifying way that I managed to awaken myself in such a horrific manner that I was ready to take on the armed intruder that I was sure was about to take my very life right there in the middle of the day, on my couch while I slobber-slept.

Apparently, not only am I not safe from Killer Curtains From Hell, I am also not safe from…well, myself. Hold me.

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Posted by Jenn @ 3:57 pm | Comments |

Tune Me Up Baby!

September 5, 2004

Because I am so bored I can hardly stand it, I am going to play Weekend Get Me Some Tunes. How do you play? Awwww, you’re smart! Figure it out.*

I know We Like To Party? Am I right? Can I hear a Word Up? With it being a lazy holiday weekend in the States, I am guessing that I need something to get you people awake and moving. You know you want to shake it, don’t you? Come on, admit it. Ooh Ahhh Just a Little Bit? If my stats mean anything (and we know they really don’t,but play along), I think it means that you’re not being entertained here. Not enough dancing! And really, when it comes to this blog, the truth is I Want You to Want Me!

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Posted by Jenn @ 6:14 pm | Comments |

Tax free does not mean totally FREE, people

August 8, 2004

This weekend in Texas was the Texas Sales Tax Holiday which basically means that there are no taxes on certain items that the state feels are helpful for going back to school. There is a complete list of things that will be tax-free (under $100 per item) to use as a guide. But wait, I am not here to advertise it. (That would be totally pointless considering it is after 11:00pm on the last day of the “holiday” weekend.)

You would think that it is a massive 75% off sale or a free-for-all at the Krispy Kreme next to a Weight Watchers meeting. (Hey, I can joke. I went to WW.) People lose their ever-lovin’ minds to be sure to get to the stores and snap up those great bargains.

Great bargains.

Correct me if I am wrong, but no taxes would pretty much save you what? About $8 for every $100 you spend? Now, I am all about frugal. I have been living the life of the unemployed for 2 years. I love me a bargain, people. But I have my limits.

For instance, I will not go to a clearance sale on a Saturday if the same sale will be available on the following Sunday or the Friday prior. Insane people go out for sales on Saturdays. I will, however, go to an after Thanksgiving sale, but only if I can get there early, have coffee and no children. (I mean, that is the Super Bowl of Sales. It is not for amateurs or the weak of heart. It is also not for children or men who are not willing to engage in a little hand to hand combat over the last item on a shelf.)

But, we are not talking about Super Sales. We are talking about $8 for every $100 you spend and it isn’t even the good stuff. Most of the stuff isn’t even on sale. Suffice it so say, I don’t see the need to battle the masses for this meager savings. Each year, I find out what weekend the sale will be and I head to a mall early that Friday while most people are at work or not remembering that the “holiday” has started. I see if there is anything worth my money and I shop accordingly. Basically, I do not put on combat gear and head to the local Wal-Mart.

So, today, Gabriella and I are helping out a friend and I realized I needed to pick up a few things on the way home. Where do I go? Where do I find myself? What god-forsaken, straight from the pits of hell store did I unknowingly find myself walking into before remembering what weekend this was? Say it with me. Wal-mart.

For the love of all that is bargain shopping, I think I may have witnessed the chaos that just may erupt if the world ever ends in my lifetime. People everywhere. Every language known to man (and a few not yet documented) were represented. People of every age where crowded into the clostophobic aisles that are characteristic of WalMart and are all trying to purchase the same things. Never have I witnessed the carnage that was the result of the assault on the clothing departments of this WalMart. Perhaps I am mistaken and a bomb actually did go off, thus showering the store with clothing, but somehow I doubt it.

I still have no idea why the idea of tax-free makes people see dollar signs like that. It isn’t like it is a massive savings. I think I am going to just occasionally put $1 into a jar over the next year. Then,when next year’s tax-free weekend occurs, I am going to go on a guilt-free, chaos free, crowd free (rather than tax-free), shopping spree the following weekend when the crazies have gone back home!

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Posted by Jenn @ 10:11 pm | Comments |

Bring out yer dead!

July 24, 2004

This is so sick! But it made me laugh anyway. I found this over at Genuine’s (where we can find all things sick, huh.)

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Posted by Jenn @ 10:26 am | Comments |

mypetfat

March 23, 2004

I will be the first to admit that I can stray from a diet. It doesn’t really take much. Okay, it takes very little. But, please, the day that I need to buy something called “MyPetFat”, you better lock me up!

I am not grossed out easily, but let me be right up front with you. If you try to bring this to dinner with me, you both are leaving. Ewwww!
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Posted by Jenn @ 9:58 pm | Comments |

The screeeaaaammmmm

March 21, 2004

I always find it thrilling to awaken my husband in the middle of the night to my blood-curdling screams. (No, not blood racing & thrilling screams, the bone chilling scary ones.) We’re talking about the kind of scream that would put any classic horror film to shame. The kind that makes him want to grab the nearest weapon to protect his family and home. Oh yes, my friend, that is always big fun.

Not.

Then trying to explain that I must’ve had a bad dream and that as I was awakening, that honestly, the curtains really did look like someone standing over me that wanted to brutally attack and maim me. Really.

It took me about 30 minutes my breathing to get back to normal. Another 20 for my heart to settle down. And then about 45 more minutes of peeking out from under the covers to ensure that the curtains were in fact merely curtains and not some evil force hovering over me about to escort me to some horrid death. (Oh, as for him, he was back asleep within about 3 minutes. Some protector!) I finally fell asleep about 2 inches from my bedmate with the comforter over at least half of my face… just in case. I mean, you can’t be too careful. If the curtains were going to brutally attack someone at night, it certainly wasn’t going to be me!

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Posted by Jenn @ 4:36 pm | Comments |