Is it possible to have a week of Mondays?
April 26, 2006
Let me see if I can sum up my week so far for you. [Insert ranting, raving and crying now. Funny later. Ranting now.]
Saturday/early Sunday spent in the ER with my son who broke himself. But apparently he was able to pick up who knows what kind of cooties there because he has been throwing up violently since then. Finally it stopped yesterday. (Did I mention I don’t do vomit? Can’t handle it. One of those things that my brain must see as a group project because if someone in my presence tosses their cookies, mine come trailing after.)
Son gets better but cannot go back to school until he gets a hard cast on. Doctor won’t see him until he is fever free 24 hours. Fun times. But the puking stopped. That’s good, right? Well, it would be if it wasn’t for the fact that…
…Gabriella picked it up and is now in the same boat with fever and sick all over. (If you remember from 2 seconds ago, I DO NOT do vomit. It is in my parental contract that I don’t have to!) But when your poor 5 year old is sick and weak and needs her Mommy, I’m there. Regardless of the fact that I am a sympathetic puker.
Oh…oh….but see, that would be just a bad week. I also have the school pissed off at me because Brandon missed all week. During the STANDARDIZED testing. Major sin in Plano. MAJOR. I am thinking the dean realizes she caught me at a bad time when she threatened truancy court and my response was,
“BRING IT because, honey (I am in the south and honey can be used interchangeably with bitch), it would be a welcome vacation to throw my ass in jail where I am not cleaning up anyone’s puke, I have no deadlines and I am not the one responsible for everything that goes wrong. So, feel free. When shall I be there?”
She pretty much got quiet after that and told me she hopes Brandon feels better soon.
Oh, and I got a job. Good? Sure if you like drama. Because I have attached to my ass a drama magnet. Need drama? Sit by me. It will come. The ironic part is I am usually trying to ease the drama. Guess I am not so great at that. My question to the world, the fates or whoever is rolling the dice of my life… Does everything have to have drama? I am a part of 3 separate groups right now that are all dealing with drama, drama, drama. I am not good with drama now. NOT GOOD.
See? Jenn=Not stable right now.
And it is only Wednesday. What a banner frickin’ week!
I think this is the first time since my Mom passed away that I have literally sat down on the floor with my phone in my hand sobbing. I can honestly say I would give anything for just a 5 minute talk with her. She can’t help with all of the crap and chaos going on my life, but she would always be able to make me laugh. I miss her. And even at 36 years old, I am not afraid to say it. I want my Mommy.
So how is your week going?
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
1:43 pm | |
|
|
It’s getting hot in here, so cut off all our power!*
April 17, 2006
I have checked, rechecked and triple checked my calendar. Yes, it is ONLY April 17th. Can someone please tell Mother Nature. She is in one bitch of a mood right now. Today, in Dallas, we hit 101 degrees. IN APRIL! APRIL.
The temperature hit 101 at DFW airport Monday afternoon. That broke the old daily record of 94. And it also broke the record for the hottest day ever in the month of April. On April 18, 1925, our temperature hit 100 degrees. So Monday was the hottest day ever in April, and also the hottest ever so early in the year.
Oh, but not only do we get to swelter in the temperatures of hell, but we also got to play that game of Rolling Blackouts! I think they roll the dice and decide who gets to have their power go out for 15-30 minutes. No warning. No set reasoning behind it. Just la la la going about your business and BAM power out. (Did I mention I hate heat and sweating and no power?)
Sidenote (because I am all about going off on tangents): After reading my post on making a suggestion to the power company about cutting-off the power for a while so I could spend time with my freakishyly geekish family and get them off of WoW, there was a brief moment where my boys and husband looked at me in horror. Bwahaha Slight justice in the feeling that they thought I had that kind of power!) It was all funny until I started to sweat. No longer funny.
So really, all of you people in the north that I sent my sympathies to while you were digging out from under your few feet of snow (though completely incomprehensible to me!), you can commence feeling sorry for me now. Go on. I’ll wait.
Thanks.
In other news….ummm…I am sure I have other news but my freakin brain has melted and oozed all over my keyboard. Tomorrow, tales of going back to Houston again and the unexpected hurdles that I had to tackle. I will also share with you the fun mommy guilt that comes when you need to try to find the best ways to help your kids with an issue we are dealing with and there are many ways to go and each one has people who will tell you how wrong you are.
Tonight, not so much. Melted. Brain. Remember?
*With apologies to Nelly for the horrendous rip off of his song. Hey, I could’ve gone with “My humps. My humps. My melting, sweating humps.” But really, that would be wrong for all of us. Or how about “Since It’s So Hot…I can’t Breathe when I walk outside!” I could do this all night. But I won’t. But really, feel free to join me. Beat me at this game. I am too hot to be parodious (adj: the ability to use parody without making others vomit too fiercely)! What can you give me?
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
9:52 pm | |
|
|
An open letter to the creators of World of Warcraft
April 11, 2006
Dear Creators of World of Warhell (or Warcrap–whatever floats your boat),
I recently visited your website. I read your section about “What is World of Warcraft” and this is what you had to say:
World of Warcraft is an online role-playing experience set in the award-winning Warcraft universe. Players assume the roles of Warcraft heroes as they explore, adventure, and quest across a vast world. World of Warcraft is a “Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game” which allows thousands of players to interact within the same world. Whether adventuring together or fighting against each other in epic battles, players will form friendships, forge alliances, and compete with enemies for power and glory.
I have a suggestion that would help in better describing your game. Check this:
World of Warcraft is an online HELL set in the addictive-winning Warhell universe. Addicts assume the roles or Warhell junkies as they explore, adventure and quest for a bigger and better fix. World of Warhell is a “Massively Addictive Multiplayer Online Rave That Will Cause Your Loved Ones to Pull out Their Own Hair in Frustration” which will allow thousands of players to interactively become addicted within the same version of hell. Whether fighting together or against each other until their eyes are bloodshot and half blind, players will form gangs, forge support groups of addiction, and compete with enemies that are more batshit crazy from the game than they are all in the name of non-existant power and glory.
See? I really think that my explanation is so much better. Kind of like a warning of sorts.
Why would I waste my time writing this? Well, that is quite simple. Last night some strange man with hair standing on end with eyes red and glazed over walked out of my office searching for food in my kitchen. As I screamed and nearly beat him upside the head with a rolling pin, it wasn’t until a vague sense of recognition set in that I dropped my never-used-except-when-threatened rolling pin that I had brandished as a weapon to beat this stranger. It turned out to only be my son. It has just been that long since I have seen anything but the back of his head for so long. Seeing him come at me scared the beejeezus out of me.
Together, my husband–at least I think it is my husband, the back of his head is familiar– and my oldest son have initiated my youngest son into their cult of War of Worldhell. I have even heard the phrase muttered more than once, “Come on! Everyone is doing it!” (Little game-pushing bullies!)
I resent that I have to hear day in and day out about new “friends” of ours who have joined their gang guild. And then, to have those same gangmembers guildmembers calling me asking me to join. They are worse than Amway! I am forced to ask you: Are you sending subliminal messages that cause my family to be forced to have their intelligence, self-control and ability to just say NO sucked out of them?
I have resorted to wearing protective eye-wear and earplugs when I enter the office game room hell. Just in case. I don’t want to unsuspectedly be sucked in against my will.
Seriously, I have a favor to ask. I think it is the least you can do considering you have in essence made me a loner in my own home. An outcast, if you will. Can you like cut all of the servers offline for one weekend? Just one weekend. I heard my son has grown 2 inches. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen him standing up in months. And my husband? He began telling me all about his amazing cool pet and some trick he taught it before I realized he wasn’t talking about our Doberbutt but rather some mythical illusion that must be a side effect of the Warhell experience.
I know your game is increasingly popular and all, but I must say…I harbor much bitterness and hatred towards you. I realize you will probably never see this as you are working on and building up your cult, but if by chance you do, would it be okay if mooned you. Because really, the entire cult of War of Worldhell kissing my ass would probably help me feel a little bit better.
With the utmost fear of your evil and dread of your upcoming new release,
Jenn
ps- If you see my husband or sons online, can you please send them my new address? I don’t think they will notice I left until the power goes out or (more likely) their food runs out.
Update: This is the response (after many funny and snarky emails back and forth with some developers from Blizzard). I love the way they respond. So, yes, now I am a gamer. And yes, now I play WoW A LOT! And yes, I sold out to Blizzard. So sue me!]
tags: gaming, parenting, world of warcraft
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
10:54 pm | |
|
|
Are you KIDDING ME?!
July 22, 2005
Quick update from the Caffeinated Front.
I am in Houston. Houston? Why Houston, Jenn? I am glad you asked. You see, my sister came to town on Wednesday. Apparently the general consensus is that I have finally become a bit too stressed and high strung for my own good and needed a calming influence. That would be my sister. She has a way of focusing me and getting me to, well, basically chill the hell out. Clint says she is cheaper than a shrink and not as dangerous as drugs, so he was thrilled that she came to help me find a bit of sanity.
“But, Jenn, that doesn’t explain why you are in Houston right now.” That is what you were thinking, right?
Well, my sister arrives just in time for my mom to have to go to the hospital. In Houston. Where my sister just came from. So, we all load everything up and head down there to be with Mom and Dad. Mom had to have surgery this morning and is currently in ICU.
You know? This CHILL OUT plan is NOT WORKING OUT! In fact, it totally sucks! I am NOT CHILLED OUT, PEOPLE!
So, in the future, perhaps I will just meditate. Yeah. medication meditation would really be good about now.
I will try to check in. I can check email, but probably won’t be blogging. Go hang out at my wonderful husband’s site. He will update you all on what is going on. Not to mention the fact he is really hot and oh-so-funny!
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
12:13 pm | |
|
|
Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of my life (UPDATED)
June 27, 2005
Editor’s note: I took down the post about the drama I came home to. Not because I regret posting it, but as I said…drama begats drama and I just don’t want to use my blog to publicize the nasty crap that happens in my life. And frankly, I don’t have the energy for it right now. I would much rather share with you the fun times from vacation.
I will post more later today. I am off to go pick up my precious puppy!
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
2:48 am | |
|
|
Verbal vomit and whiney bile spewed here!
May 1, 2005
Clint has been out of town. See? You didn’t know that because I didn’t whine about it. I’m not big into broadcasting when he leaves town for a while. It used to be because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was alone with the kids. Of course, now that I have a Doberman who will eat your face off if you come near any of us, I feel much safer. (I think he made the pizza delivery dude soil his pants on Thursday night. I tried not to laugh, but it was seriously funny.) This time I didn’t say anything about it because I have been too busy and too damn tired to post ANYTHING. Murphy and his friggin law have been all over us the past few days. For those of you who are thinking that I have matured enough to not whine about it, get real. You know I am going to spew my whiney bile all over you!
Shall we start with Friday. (Thursday was just the possible law suit waiting to happen from the pizza dude who crossed himself as he left my house. It’s not like he was bitten. Just really, really scared. And it didn’t help that I had an extra kid in the house for 3 days. I mean, why wouldn’t they laugh at him? Like I said…seriously funny.) So on Friday I plan on having a casual lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in ages and then pick up Clint’s pay check. Across town. Driving on 2 tollways and a freeway to get there. Major sacrifice, but I can totally be bought. Access to his check when he is out of town and he works adjacent to A MALL? Oh, hell, yes, honey I will pick up your check.
Except the check was no where to be found. Which I discovered as I got there. I turn around and go back home on my freeway and 2 tollways. Just in time to hear my sister’s panic phone call to me asking me why Brandon was calling my parent’s house asking for me. My son Brandon. In Plano. Calling Houston. Wha-huh? It was a child asking for me. By name. By my married name, not my maiden name. A huge and very strange mystery. Was it you? Tell me. Obsessive compulsive people don’t like these kinds of mysteries.
But never fear, Clint’s boss called back and they found the check. I was so very happy to be able to jump back in my car, race down the 2 tollways and freeway to pick it up. Only this time it was too late to go shopping. There was SOCCER to be played.
Did I mention my car was trying to die on me this whole entire time? Sputtering and acting like an old man with emphysema. What’s a girl to do? I cannot have 3 kids on a soccer tournament weekend without a car. So I did what I always do when there is problem with the car and Clint is not around. I added fluids to the car. Gas. Transmission fluid. Oil. Windshield wiper fluid. (One cannot be too careful.) It totally worked.
Until I started the car and tried to drive it. Still acting up, but if I turn the radio up and don’t drive between 40-45 or 60-65, it sputters less. Works for me until I can go without a car long enough to have someone look at it. (Car-men, quit slapping your forehead. Just be happy I am not yours to take care of.)
But wait! It gets so much better! Remember that soccer tournament. The one where they play a gazillion games all crammed into one weekend of tournament hell? I got to do that with all the kids, too. I actually love soccer, so that part of it wasn’t so bad. The game after game after game back and forth crap got old, but you do what you have to do, right? But you see, when it comes to the game itself, I am not a calm “sit-in-your-chair-and-watch-the-game” mom. I am a pacing, cheering, “don’t-talk-smack-or-I’ll-show-you-smack” kind of mom. Hey! I am the goalie’s mom. It is in our genes to be freaks. Especially when an idiot official makes an awful call (SO BAD I KNEW IT WAS BAD!) which results in a hard kick to my goalie which caused him GREAT PAIN. Do I really need to explain my level of freaktitude when a bad call resulted in my kid getting hurt? There are no FCC censors on the sidelines, people.
But trooper that he is, Zarek would not come out of the game. He wanted to see it through. We won. (Go team!) But his thumb hurt. Not so much that he wouldn’t play that night. Through the tears. And the swelling. Let’s just say we celebrated our loss with a trip to the e.r.
Zarek is now a walking “Gig ‘em Aggies” ad. Poor guy. Of course, when I called Clint to tell him we are going to the e.r., he asked me how the CAR was doing. THE. CAR. Let me see. On the way to the e.r. with his son. How is the car? On the way to the E.R…..car okay? He did not get hung up on, but he did get some serious attitude. (Yes, I understand what he was saying and why he asked etc. Shut up. It made me mad and I am spewing my whiney bile, remember?)
But all’s well that ends well. Meaning, he had another soccer game this morning that we could all drag our sorry, exhausted “at the e.r. too late to be dealing with this crap” butts to at 9:30am. (No soccer for Zarek, but we were still there. Go team. Rah rah blah!)
We still have one more obligation to attend tonight. Just one more. But don’t worry. There will be alcohol served, so I will be just fine. (In case you were worried.)
So, after all of that verbal vomit, let me ask you a question.
Raise your hand if you wish YOU were in Clint’s shoes when he gets home this afternoon.
*crickets*
Yeah. Smart move.
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
11:20 am | |
|
|
Wait for it…there is a moral to the story
February 20, 2005
Remember the battles I had with Captain CrapsAlot? I was so proud that he was getting over his issues with my carpet and his apparent hatred for it. In fact, I dare say we have moved past it. I’d even go so far as to say we’ve “bonded.” It has been ages since I have called him anything that begins with a 4-letter word.
Last night I was sitting there on the floor in the family room. I admit that I was not paying attention to much of anything going on around me. All of us were in there “watching” a movie. Yes, I was a bit side-tracked. I confess that I have been more than a little obsessed with a project I have been working on lately. Every waking moment- and many sleeping ones- I am working on it. (Even if it looks like I am doing something else like, say, driving or listening to you talk, I am really working in my head on my project.)
HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming, didn’t you)….however, I have not neglected the dog. I would type a line or two, throw the tennis ball. Type a few lines, rub the belly. Type a few lines, take Captain CrapsAlot outside to …well, take care of business. I even took him to the freaking dog park last week. I am trying to reward our new bond with things that make him happy. But does he appreciate it?
No.
So there I sit…typing…when all of the sudden my entire back and side are wet and warm nd smelling strongly of URINE. Yes, the dog walked OVER to me. (He had to get up and walk to me!) And he PEED all over my back. What the f*ck?
I jumped up and screeched in an insane, freaked out Mommy Dearest way, “He PEED on me!” Then I did the “GrossGrossGrossGrossGross I am going to vomit all over the carpet” dance. Of course the dance was accompanied by the choral strains of “What the hell what the hell what the hell?!” I pretty much danced and mumbled in horror, “What the hell?” all the way to the shower. I stripped down- still mumbling to myself- and scrubbed myself raw. It wasn’t until I was halfway through the process of scrubbing the skin off of my body that I realized I hadn’t even taken my glasses off yet. (Did I mention I had just gotten out of the shower less than a half an hour before this?!)
Fresh, clean, piss-free I walked back into the family room and announced, “I am here to confirm the old saying….
…Yes, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on.”
**[UPDATE] Yes, people, he did it AGAIN! What the hell?? Seriously, if anyone here knows what makes a dog suddenly decide it is a good idea to PEE on the person who feeds him and plays with him, really, you must tell me how the hell to MAKE HIM STOP. Short of sending him off to the “puppy farm” where all pain in the ass dogs go, I am at a loss here. Right now, the game plan is to keep him in his kennel until he is 2 years old. Sounds like a safe plan to me! Ugh!
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
6:36 pm | |
|
|
Welcome…now I must gripe and complain
February 10, 2005
If you came here by way of Michele, welcome. I promise to visit each and every one of your blogs. Thanks for coming and commenting. Michele, thank you for making me the site of the day. Free coffee for an ENTIRE year for you, my friend!
Remember last week when I rejoiced that I managed to avoid the illness that plagued my family? Well, Clint wrote a very sensitive and moving entry full of sympathy and compassion (*cough cough bullshit cough*) of how I appparently did NOT manage to avoid it afterall. Feel free to tell him that he needs to wait on me hand and food while spoiling me rotten. Go on. I’ll wait.
Can I just say for the record, GROWN WOMEN are NOT meant to have ear infections. It is cruel! I don’t have patience for it. In fact, it makes me downright grumpy. And Advil just does not cut the pain. Shouldn’t I have outgrown this by now? I mean, shouldn’t that be banned when you get rid of diaper rash and colic? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS?
Girl Scout cookies arrived today.
I have an ear infection that is really ticking me off.
Raise your hand if you think that an entire box will be consumed before tomorrow?
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
5:41 pm | |
|
|
Internet, Help Me!
January 10, 2005
I thought earlier, “You know, it’s been a while since I wrote a warm fuzzy entry on how much I love motherhood and how my life is all roses and bon-bons.” So, as any good blogger would do, I sat down at my laptop, hands ready to type out The Sweetest Entry Ever when the dog crapped on my carpet. I’ll repeat that. I was trying to be warm and fuzzy and the damn dog *CRAPPED on my carpet.
Warm fuzzies gone. Xanax moment arrives.
Later, I decide “Hey, he’s just a puppy. He can’t help it. It’ll get better.” So, out comes the laptop. I have totally lost the Sweetest Entry Ever feeling, but I can muster up Gee, I Love My Life (Most of the Time) feelings. And the dog decides that would be a good time to *CRAP on my carpet.
Loving My Life gone. Xanax thrown back with a tequila shot moment arrives.
The dog now thinks his name is either Dammit Dog or PITA-Mo-Fo. (Sorry, Dad. At least I didn’t say it outright. I’ll go wash my mouth out with soap. And by soap of course I mean tequila.)
Internet, I am begging. I am pleading. I am throwing myself at the immense knowledge that you wonderfully awesome people have.
I need your best dog training advice. The best books? The best methods? The way you did it that was successful? The best tequila and cheapest Xanax if you don’t know any of those. This dog and I are at a standstill. I want SO BADLY to bond with him (I actually typed bong first. Maybe that is the answer.) It is hard to bond with something that craps on your floor everytime you turn your back.
Oh, and did I mention that while I was cleaning up the CRAP, Gabriella decided it would be a great time to color ALL OVER her arms and hands with a marker. After all the cleaning and stress it looked like a good idea so I tried it too. Really theraputic, my friends.
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
6:52 pm | |
|
|
Our Credit Union Sucks
December 20, 2004
An open letter to all employers of all of our current credit union members from theCredit Union Management regarding holiday closings:
Dear Employer,
We, your employee’s Credit Union, understand that in light of the holidays, many employers are issuing paychecks on Thursday rather than on Friday to prevent any monetary mishaps that a holiday closing may cause their valued employee. We realize that the majority of banks are only closed on Friday in observance of said holidays. We, however, strive to be different. To stand out from the crowd. So, in order to completely screw over our valued customers, we are going to also close on Thursday.
But wait! There is more!
Because in our effort to become the Biggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere, we have also decided to refuse any wire transfers from Thursday the 23rd through Sunday the 26th. Yes, this includes automatic deposits, preset payments and account to account transfers. We will not allow our customers the luxury of online banking in the 21st century on these datesas well because, well, that would be awful human of us and we would therefore lose our status in the running for Biggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere.
Rest assured that we will in fact be open for business on Monday the 27th to ensure that our valued customers have the post holiday benefit of late fees, bounced checks and overdrawn accounts. All before noon!
So, in an effort to help us screw over your employee, we ask that you maintain your policy of giving out checks on Thursday. We feel this policy will not only help you to appear like a generous employer, but will still follow our master plan of screwing over our clients.
Thank you for your help in this matter.
Your Employee’s Credit Union
ps- We have heard that there is an effort to thwart our plan by issuing checks even earlier (as in on Wednesday). Whereas we understand your employee will find this most helpful, we want you to understand that we will in all likelihood close our teller window as soon as we see your employee walk up. We cannot have understanding companies trying to undermine the seriousness of our effort to become the BIggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere. We hope you understand.
(DISCLAIMER NOTE: Our current credit union is in no way affiliated with Clint’s current employer. It is from a former employer 17 years ago. Repeat: This is NOT a credit union associated with Clint’s CURRENT employer. We really do HEART Clint’s current employer. We really do! Even when his co-workers call me mental. Hoping that is clear here.)
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
1:55 pm | |
|
|
