Have you ever seen one of those “entertainment shows” (term used rather loosely) that take a self-assured, confident, smart, beautiful woman with inner strength who has life by the….horns and watch these shows put this woman (or women) into a suit/costume that is the exact opposite of who they are? You know, where it is a great sociological experiment to put the skinny model in a fat suit or the brilliant Harvard MBA with a high powered career and dress her like a “frumpy housewife” all in the name of “learning how the other half live” for a while? (I’m looking at you Tyra Banks. You, too, 20/20.) Some of these shows- when done to sensationalize how horrible it is to be “the other half”- make me want to smack the ratings grubbing producer and send them into the Brazilian Rain forest without a survival guide. Just for the sociological experiment of course. But that really isn’t the entire point of this. Sometimes- those rare sometimes- it turns out that it isn’t just poor little pretty Britney crying that “OMG, I am so fat! Make it stop!” Sometimes they actually do something that surprises not just the women who are doing this experiment but the people around them.
At first, these women are the same. It doesn’t matter what is on the outside, they are confident and know what is on the inside. They are fully tapped into their authentic selves. And? They are confident nothing and no one can shake that. But after a day, two days, three days, a month…they begin to react not as the woman inside the “costume” but as the woman the rest of the world sees.
The beautiful, skinny model no longer gets the adoring looks and attention she has always known. It causes her to react to the way she is treated- to what people assume she is when they don’t look further. She begins to hold her head down when she is walking, not quite looking anyone in the eye. She is no longer the first to speak up, if she speaks up at all. She hears the rude comments and begins to cry and is truly hurt deep down inside. With her self-esteem at an all time low for her, she feels beaten down and broken.
Or take the brilliant Harvard MBA executive who becomes the old stereo typical stay at home mom who spends her days with her kids or running errands or volunteering somewhere. She begins to be treated as someone who can barely manage a grocery list. Her “mom jeans” and sweater sets are frowned upon and she is rarely taken seriously unless she is talking about household affairs, PTA or Johnny’s latest accomplishment- and then rarely is she truly taken seriously. Surely this frumpy mom couldn’t know anything about the stock market, foreign affairs or politics. I mean, just look at the way she dresses! She doesn’t even wear makeup everyday. She must be “just a mom” and therefore not worthy of the intelligent conversations offered up at business dinners or get-togethers. She belongs on the playground with the “other mommies” and before you know it, she begins to act less self-assured. She buys into the lie that maybe she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. Maybe it is a man’s world and she does belong just on the playground. Her authentic self may be able to command a board room and handle multi-million dollar accounts but when she is treated as less than, she begins to feel less than. She begins to believe that she IS less than.
What happened to these women?
I suppose as a society we are quick to judge what we see and what “truth” we have been told. Take the woman above. A stay at home mom is the “truth” that is told. Her dress is not the most fashionable. She doesn’t look high-powered but perhaps a bit overly tired. Is that who she really is? Is that her authentic self?
Well, yes and no. It is who she feels she is after repeatedly- I mean time and time and time again- being treated in a way that isn’t true to her authentic self. When it comes to the collision of perceived reality and personal reality, sometimes perceived reality wins even for the woman inside the suit who knows better. She knows who she really is. Yet, her heart is broken by the reactions and actions of others based on the way they perceive her to be because of the “truths” they are either told or choose to believe on their own. However, her authentic self is not lost.
After a while, that authentic self fights back. From deep inside the suit, the pain and the reality she has been living– which is not reality at all– become too much for her authentic self to bear and her authentic self begins to emerge and beg to be let out of the suit, out of this experiment. It hurts too much. You may first see it as a fierce look in her eyes. It may come from a retort to a comment that went just a bit too far. Or you may not see her authentic self come out until piece by piece the suit is removed and she has a chance to stretch both her body and her mind, refresh her emotions and feel once again at peace with herself– her real self.
I think that is true of all of us.
At one time or another we step out of our comfort zone and try new things. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s in the trying that matters. Over a year ago I put on a new suit that I truly wanted. It fit like a second skin and I was happy. But bit by bit, piece by piece layers were added to that suit. Some by me and some by others. The more that was put onto that suit the heavier it became. The harder it was to wear and still be my authentic self. There were times the “real me” would scream so loudly to get out but by then the suit was so think, so heavy and attached so strongly, I couldn’t break free. In the Spring I knew it cost me too much personally to continue wearing it. I tried to brutally claw it off to get back to the real me. But let me tell you something. The process of ripping, tearing and clawing at something that is attached to you like a skin just scars you more. You have to go through a process to take it off. Though I was succeeding, I had a long way to go. I made mistakes. I hurt myself, my family and some friends. To those I could offer an olive branch, I did. Some accepting it and everything was put in the past to move forward. To others, the olive branch was thrown down and walked away from. There is and was nothing I could do about other people and how they react and choose to respond. I was working on getting myself back and didn’t have the energy to argue, fight or try to make my side heard. It became counterproductive to what I needed to do and who I truly am.
The beginning of summer I learned about finding the authentic me. I spent a week with people I love who love me. Not only do they support me but they love me in spite of me. During that week, the suit started to melt away in a beautiful and pain-free way. I learned that the ones who love me not only accept me as I am but they expect me to be who I truly am. It was a wonderful time of letting go, healing and getting to know myself again.
But that wasn’t the end. It just doesn’t happen that easily.
In July my family went through a crisis. I think all of us at one time or another (at least once) go through something that so thoroughly, completely and irrevocably changes you. Sometimes it is a wonderful event. Sometimes it is traumatic. But there is a moment, a time in life that you can exactly pinpoint, where everything changes. It doesn’t matter if it is something everyone can see or just those close to you or even something only you know happens. The point is, nothing will ever be the same after that moment. Ever. Things that seemed so painful lose their sting. Things that seemed so important become trivial. Things you thought you would struggle with for a long time to get past are suddenly no longer roadblocks in your mind or heart. You move on. You have to. You are not that person anymore.
I would never wish the events of my summer on anyone. At all. But I am forever grateful that I was able to be where I was needed, go through I needed to go through and come out on the other side the person I am now. Through crisis I mended fences that should never have been put up in the first place and found an amazing friend on the other side. A gift that I wanted, needed and came to accept through a crisis situation. I grew closer to people I love and have a tighter bond with them that nothing in this world can ever loosen. I found strength in myself I honestly didn’t know I had. I found peace in a way I have never known. I learned lessons about life that will forever be with me and keep me strong when I feel broken.
That suit? It completely melted away.
I thought I would find “the old me” underneath waiting to emerge. That didn’t happen. I found a new version– a better version– of the authentic me that I never knew I had the capacity to become. I never want to be the “old me” before my suit wearing days. Ever. A part of her is still with me but what I found when the real me emerged is so phenomenal and strong and at peace that I gladly put the old me in the past and embrace who I have become.
What about you? Are you struggling with a “suit” that doesn’t quite fit anymore? Do you need someone to stand beside you and say, “I believe in YOU and I will be here for you if it hurts to find the real you!”? Let me know. I’ll stand in that gap with you. I’ll hold you hand or your heart and be someone you can know cares. Or have you recently been through something that has brought you to a point where your own “suit” melted away only to find a wonderful new authentic you? Share it with us. Those stories always help us feel connected. Your story, declaration or simple “I’ll stand by you, too” can make a huge difference to someone who may need to hear it….even if you never even know it.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”
I won’t be quiet. No one should be in this situation.
May 6, 2010
I usually try not to use my blog as a pulpit. I try not to come off as someone who tries to make people think as I do. I tell stories. I am not a motivational speaker or preacher and I don’t use my blog as such. So, since you have been with me (many of you) for years, indulge me as I share something with you. I need to say it. If not for you, than for someone whose heart is open to it.
There are people I love who have been through hell this past week. Good people. For that matter, maybe even some bad people, too. Who they are doesn’t matter. They are people. Many are suffering. Many are in situations that are unfathomable to you as you sit in the comfort of your home cruising the Internet. Situations that should bring a tear to your eye or at the very least make you see that there is a world out there so much bigger than your tiny circle that you deal with on a daily basis. People whose problems are bigger than many of yours. Most definitely that are much bigger than anything in my life, that is for damn sure!
This is Nashville:
Look at it. Watch it. And when you do, don’t ignore it. What if it was your town? What if you were stranded without power for days and couldn’t get out or get supplies? What if your neighbor or your friend was missing and you knew that it has become a “recovery mission” and not a “rescue mission” now? Ask yourself whether or not the little annoyances matter in the grand scheme of things. As people have lost everything, ask yourself if the situations you are in- whether by choice or circumstance- are nearly as devastating or nearly as important as the ones these people are facing right now. Or if maybe, just maybe, you personally could use some of your own passionate nature (and I know my readers…they are passionate) to better use for these people. When you complain about having to deal with difficult people at work, be thankful you can go to work and then have a home to come back to at the end of the day. A home that is not under water. A home that is not devastated. A home where you have not lost everything.
I am not saying your problems are not real. They are real. Your struggles and grievances are just as valid. And, yes, they do matter. But for the love of all things human, LOOK at what people are dealing with right now. Look at their problems. Look at the real devastation in their lives and ask yourself: If I refocused my energies on the people of Nashville who need it, would that be a better use of passion, my prayers and my time than whatever it is I am currently focused on?
This flood hits my heart hard. I have people I have come to love that live there. I have friends who have been blessed enough to only endure a lack of power and friends who have seen complete devastation. THIS is what matters right now to me. And, you know what? THIS is where I choose to focus my energy, my attention and my heart. The silly little bullshit that goes on in day to day life that no one truly cares about and won’t even remember a year from now? I Do. Not. Care. About. That. Not when people I love face a situation such as this. My attention is where it needs to be and should be.
I care about these people who need it. I care about the loss of lives. I care about the people who are mourning the deaths of neighbors and praying that they can have something…anything… of their lives to salvage.
People I love are in need of my attention. And that? That is where I am focused because that is what matters in my heart.
And I would hope it would matter to others as well. Get out of your bubble and give your attention to people who need it. Isn’t that what humanity, compassion and “the greater good” really are about?
“As someone told me lately, Everyone deserves the chance to fly”- On Moving Forward
April 29, 2010
There are times in life when circumstances back you into a corner. Times when those you trust betray you and those you have come to rely on turn their back on you. It is in those times you find the people in your life who truly do have your back. The people who genuinely care. You can see through the masks that people wear and into the reality of their hearts. The truth of the matter is at those times, it can break you. It can take you and slam you down with a force you didn’t know existed in your world. At those times when you have felt abandoned and all alone you should look around through your tears and see who and what truly matters in your life. The sad fact is most of those times come at a high price and with great pain. It is a bit like hitting rock bottom in addiction. There is no where to turn and no where to go but up. But the beauty of it is when you stop and look around– feeling in your heart that without a doubt that you are standing alone– you see the people in your life who genuinely care about you and love you. Those are the true people in your life you can depend on, trust and open your heart to when you are at your weakest. Those are the people who will hold your hand when you need it. The people who will love you unconditionally and stand beside you to weather the storms of life. The reality is you probably are not as alone as you thought you were. You just weren’t looking in the right places.
For many of us a time has come or will come when your circumstances or the people you have chosen to surround yourself with will bring you to your knees, break your heart or back you into a corner where you can see no way out. Rather than focusing on the pain or the intense feelings of loneliness and anger you are bound to feel, take a good look at who is still standing with you. Take a really good look. Those are the people you want in your corner. Those are the people whose opinions and truth you want to rely on at that time. Those people who are ready, willing and able to drop everything to see you through the hardest of times– those are the people who do truly care and support you. The ones who are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt through your successes and failures.
Now, I am not saying that the other people who choose to turn away are people not worthy of your time, your prayers or your friendship. But those are not the people you should depend on to make your life choices or help you through the tough times. Those are not the people you need to depend on in a time of pain. They are merely people who have been brought into your life for a reason and a season. They have brought a life lesson with them. They have brought to you something you can take away. They are no less important in the grand scheme of things. They are your life teachers. Sometimes they are gentle and kind teachers who come and go from your life and bless with you with what they have brought to you. Sometimes there are those people whose lessons are brutal and painful. And sometimes those lessons are ones that you would never learn if it were not for the suffering they bring to you. They are just as important to your growth as a person as the people in your life that you know will never abandon you, abuse you or leave you when things get rough. They serve as a catalyst for a life lesson. People that somewhere deep inside- when you can think clearly through the pain or anger- that have led you to the path you should take or off of the one that will destroy your very soul.
My Mom always said life isn’t fair. And it isn’t. However, when the chips are down and you find out who stands with you, supports you and will be there for you, you should be thankful. Just as you should be thankful for the ones who broke your heart. Not in the same way, yet nevertheless their importance should not be diminished because you are hurt.
So what do you do in those times when you are broken and beaten down? You reach up, take the hand (or hands) that are offered, stand up, brush yourself off and move forward. Hopefully you’ll find yourself a better person for the life lesson they have brought. Even if they were brought to you at a great cost or with pain.
This week I learned many lessons. Some that had me in tears of pain for days. Some that have me in tears of extreme gratitude. And some that just opened my eyes in general to the reality– and not the perceived reality– but the actual reality of people, situations and circumstances I have allowed into my life that are toxic to me and my family. For that, I am truly thankful for those people and situations. They brought with them a lesson for a season. A lesson of fire and pain but a lesson that I can not only carry with me but use to help and guide others when I see them go down a similar path. It is an opportunity to share my experiences with others and let them know they are not alone when they find themselves beaten down and broken. I’ve learned our experiences are not for nothing. They are not trivial. We have not suffered them in vain.
I suppose what I am saying is that you should not regret the decisions you have made and the people you have had in your life. If your lesson has been learned and those people are truly there only for a season and simply for a single reason, you will find peace in moving forward. You will have learned what you needed to learn and the loss, though it can be painful, has served its purpose. Yes, even those who break your heart. There is a reason and a lesson. When you learn it, you will grow, be stronger and see things much clearer as you let them go.
But never, ever forget to take the time to thank those who are there for the good and the bad. The ones who stand with you when you succeed and when you fail. I am talking about the people who will always stand beside you and support you and will be honest with you from their heart and from a place of love because those are the people you can always be free to hand over your heart to and know that it will be cherished and not broken. Just remember to thank those people in your life who are truly and genuinely there for you. They are your blessings. They are your true gifts in life. Blessings to lean on through your sufferings and to cheer with you through your celebrations. And in return, you will grow with them and be able to hold their heart in your hands and cherish it and take care of it with gentle hands just as they have done for you.
Lessons are learned.
Seasons change.
And people leave.
Those who don’t turn their backs and walk away…well, count your blessings. Never take them for granted. I know I never will again. For I am blessed. Broken hearted but full of peace for I know now without any doubt in my mind, I do not and never will stand alone.
With the help of those friends standing with me…
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
First you slip, then you fall. But sometimes, love and family catch you before you do either.
February 7, 2010
Here it is Sunday night and all I can think is “Oh, please, do not let this weekend end! I am not ready for Monday!“ I had a great weekend with my family and got a much needed mental break. Last week was hellacious. Horrible. One of the worst I have had in years. I do not want to get into details because suffice it to say that 1) I do not want to relive it and 2) I really don’t want to relive it.
Wednesday was just bad. For reasons I cannot get into (I am just not comfortable sharing since things here have been used against me in my real life), I was thrown into a really bad place. What amazed me was that a very dear friend of mine hundreds of miles away could tell- with only a few words- how bad off I was. In fact, she talked to me until I was doing better. She sent me phone numbers I needed and links to make sure I had some local backup. After seeing that I was doing better but needed to talk to someone in recovery, she reminded me of a mutual friend of ours that would be there for me in a heartbeat if I called him. I sent out an SOS message to him and we were almost immediately on the phone. The timing was not good and I knew he had things to do but he stayed on the phone with me for over an hour just getting me back on track and reminding me of who I am, where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked. Together they helped get me out of my own head and back to a peaceful place. Two friends in two different states who care enough to come to the aid of a friend.
I have to state the obvious here but I really, really do hate addiction. Here I am with almost 10 years of hard work and recovery and yet there are times when I am just as vulnerable- sometimes I think even more vulnerable- than I was just 10 months or even 1o days clean.
I woke up feeling better and happier on Thursday. I had a good day despite a very difficult morning of struggles and that afternoon was so grateful that Gabby and I were able to spend a couple of hours catching up with good friends. That night it was all throw to hell and everything came tumbling down on my head.
I lost it in a way I have not lost it in years. It was the first time in many, many years that a situation came along that filled me with such despair, pain and desperation that I feared for myself. In my head at that time, I no longer cared about anything but not hurting. I didn’t care about the 10 years of hard work. I didn’t care about anything I have accomplished in the past decade. I didn’t care what it would do to me, my kids or anyone else around me. All I wanted was to not hurt like I was hurting. I wanted to drown myself in the momentary release that being high gave me. All I wanted was to escape. To get away from the life of hell that was baring down on me and about to swallow me whole.
Escape.
Escape.
For the love of all things peaceful, I had to get away from the pain!
I had to let someone know I was going to slip fall hard.
But I didn’t want to say it because right then, right there, I wanted to fall. I wanted to give in. Ten years of saying no when I hurt. Ten years of “talking through it” and “finding alternatives” when I felt horrible. Ten years of staying strong when I really did not want to be. None of that mattered. I was willing to throw it and myself back to hell.
A friend of mine who knew only a third of my story and half of the pain I was in came over and wanted to make sure I cleared out any medications or alcohol in my house. If she knew only half and knew to just come over and get things out of my house, can you imagine how bad I actually was?
Again, there were phone calls- this time it was Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Go Directly to AA.
I talked to people in recovery who got me back on track. I talked to people who really knew me and spilled it out. I talked to friends late into the night. I cuddled up with my kids who saw me almost lose it for the first time ever in their lifetime and let them know I was okay. Cuddled the fear out of them.
I snuggled up with my husband and told him everything. I felt him tense. I knew a part of him wanted to bite his tongue and resist the urge to give me advice. He just listened as I worked through it. I know how hard it is on him when I hurt and feel so hopeless. I know it breaks a part of him every time I feel broken. I know it makes him feel helpless when I let life beat me down and head into a tailspin. But he always stands by me and loves me. He listened. He let me pour it all out. He didn’t judge (me) and didn’t blame (me) but listened, loved and waited for me to work through it knowing he was standing there as my safety net.
Friday, I woke up feeling like I had gone 10 rounds with a heavy weight fighter. I guess in a way I did. I fought my demon.
And I won.
It took a while on Friday to work through things but again, it took talking on the phone with people who really do know me and being with people this weekend who really do accept me for who I am that made me realize that things have to change. For me. For my family. For my sanity and sobriety. Things have to change. And I have hard work ahead of me but I am not alone. I just know things have to change.
In a huge way.
And I have started to take steps to go back to being me and not anyone else’s version of me.
I was touched by the outpouring of love I received when I mentioned it was the anniversary of the day my Mom died. People both close to me and casual acquaintances left me words of encouragement through emails, Facebook or phone calls. I, of course, chose to hibernate the day away. I did not want to pretend to be happy or act as if nothing was wrong. It is just easier to do that when you only have your dog and your son at home with you. One doesn’t ask questions and the other already knows the reason for sudden tears.
More than one person asked me to share a favorite memory of Mom to help me think of the good times and make me smile. I love that idea. But to choose one favorite memory would be impossible. I suppose I would have to chose one thing I am most thankful for when it comes to something Mom ensured that my brother, my sister and I all had the ability to do without effort or falseness: The ability to laugh no matter what is going on around us.
You want the humor? We can bring the humor. Sometimes it happens to be at inappropriate times, inappropriate places or under inappropriate circumstances, though. Mom used to call those the “church giggles.”
Here is your lesson in “church giggles.”
Something strikes you as amusing (real or just a passing thought) at a time when you should not be laughing and the next thing you know, you start to giggle. The more you try to stop, the harder it is and the more you’re giggling. Before you know it tears are streaming down your face as your shoulders are shaking and people around you are wondering if you have lost your mind or are having some sort of fit. The “church giggles” can strike at any time in any places. Just know that it will be a time or place when laughter is usually not “the thing to do” at that time. Funerals are a classic place to get the “church giggles.” Or? When someone is giving a speech (not a funny one either) and you begin to feel the need to giggle and cannot stop it, you should brace yourself for the full on giggles. Don’t bother to apologize while in this state. That only makes the laughter worse and harder to stop.
It has happened to me at, yes, funerals as well as PTA meetings, meetings with school administrators, speeches (both by strangers and friends alike), as well as just every day, average situations that do not call for laughter.
The best example of the “church giggles” was during Mary Tyler Moore on the Episode “Chuckles Bites the Dust.” Here is a part of the show. The giggles start around the 3 minute mark. The clip is long but the roller coaster emotions sure do fit me to a tee on this day. That whole show with its inappropriate jokes and laughter mirror my life. Well, except knowing anyone who was “shelled by an elephant” thing.
But it isn’t just laughing at inappropriate times. It is laughing at whatever life throws at you. I have laughed sitting beside more hospital beds than I can count. I can find humor in the situation. I have laughed when it seems as if there is nothing funny. Trust me, something is funny and can be found. You need someone to help you find the funny, come sit by me. We’ll laugh.
Never was it more evident than when my brother, my sister and I were all together in December. We laughed at everything. We laughed at each other. We laughed at ourselves. We laughed at our family. We laughed at strangers. We probably even laughed at you! The point is this. Mom gave each one of us something special that is unique to each of us but she gave all of us something that we can share with each other and with those around us: The ability to laugh in life’s face. And, oh boy, do we laugh!
That’s what I remember (and carry with me) most when it comes to Mom.
