Right before school started in August, my daughter’s best friend moved away. She only moved 3 hours away, but it certainly wasn’t local anymore. I’ve watched how this has changed Gabriella. It is in subtle ways that unless you know her, you may not see it.
She seems a little lost, I hear close friends of ours say.
She and her best friend met the first day of kindergarten and formed a bond immediately. It’s not like they were joined at the hip 24/7, but they did a lot of things together. When they were apart they still knew someone always had their back. They knew that in any new situation or circle of friends, there was always someone they could count on and lean on or just simply have the comfort of knowing they would be there.
Where is my safety net to catch me when I fall or my tether to keep me grounded? I see her wonder.
I have talked to her about it a few times. She usually just shrugs and moves on, unable to find the words to express what she feels or misses or is searching for.
I get it! I tell her
You see, Gabriella’s best friend’s mom was one of my best friends. She was my safety net. My tether to keep me grounded. The one I knew always had my back. The friend where I could always and would always be myself.
She seems a little lost. They say about me.
I do for myself what I try to convince Gabriella to do: Branch out. Let yourself be open to new friends. Accept invitations to be with new people. Let your guard down a little bit. Okay, let your guard down a lot.
But where is my safety net to catch me when I fall or my tether to keep me grounded? I don’t know anymore!
One thing she has learned even though she is only in third grade is people form their “tribe” early. Most of the girls in her class have been going to the same school for 4 years now. They have their best friends and their tribes. It isn’t written but it is there. She’s made new friends. She’s joined new groups. Yet, she still searches for her tribe. She searches for where she belongs somewhat afraid to let her guard down without knowing someone has her back. I see her searching and wish I could just plunk her down in a group and let her feel “established” there. But, I can’t do that. She has to find her place and her tribe on her own. And it hurts to watch.
It is no different with me. Try as I might, I cannot fit into the tribe that I am around the most either. I try to accept invitations (when offered), I try to join in on the laughter (when it isn’t an inside joke) and I try to open myself up and not keep them at arms length.
Apparently, I am not very good at it. At not keeping people at arms length. No matter how hard I try. I can’t help but wonder if maybe jumping in the way I did was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I am just a loner and just really put that vibe out there.
Maybe I am incapable of social interaction that lasts longer than a lunch.
Maybe it is the addict in me that doesn’t know how to just let go and get involved.
Or maybe I just really don’t fit in.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I would give anything for my daughter to be happy and for me to figure out the secret to leaving loneliness behind and embracing new friendships. For now, I will do what I always do…the only thing I know to do: Smile and laugh and never let ‘em know it hurts. (Well, that and start looking at places for a fresh start.)
I was touched by the outpouring of love I received when I mentioned it was the anniversary of the day my Mom died. People both close to me and casual acquaintances left me words of encouragement through emails, Facebook or phone calls. I, of course, chose to hibernate the day away. I did not want to pretend to be happy or act as if nothing was wrong. It is just easier to do that when you only have your dog and your son at home with you. One doesn’t ask questions and the other already knows the reason for sudden tears.
More than one person asked me to share a favorite memory of Mom to help me think of the good times and make me smile. I love that idea. But to choose one favorite memory would be impossible. I suppose I would have to chose one thing I am most thankful for when it comes to something Mom ensured that my brother, my sister and I all had the ability to do without effort or falseness: The ability to laugh no matter what is going on around us.
You want the humor? We can bring the humor. Sometimes it happens to be at inappropriate times, inappropriate places or under inappropriate circumstances, though. Mom used to call those the “church giggles.”
Here is your lesson in “church giggles.”
Something strikes you as amusing (real or just a passing thought) at a time when you should not be laughing and the next thing you know, you start to giggle. The more you try to stop, the harder it is and the more you’re giggling. Before you know it tears are streaming down your face as your shoulders are shaking and people around you are wondering if you have lost your mind or are having some sort of fit. The “church giggles” can strike at any time in any places. Just know that it will be a time or place when laughter is usually not “the thing to do” at that time. Funerals are a classic place to get the “church giggles.” Or? When someone is giving a speech (not a funny one either) and you begin to feel the need to giggle and cannot stop it, you should brace yourself for the full on giggles. Don’t bother to apologize while in this state. That only makes the laughter worse and harder to stop.
It has happened to me at, yes, funerals as well as PTA meetings, meetings with school administrators, speeches (both by strangers and friends alike), as well as just every day, average situations that do not call for laughter.
The best example of the “church giggles” was during Mary Tyler Moore on the Episode “Chuckles Bites the Dust.” Here is a part of the show. The giggles start around the 3 minute mark. The clip is long but the roller coaster emotions sure do fit me to a tee on this day. That whole show with its inappropriate jokes and laughter mirror my life. Well, except knowing anyone who was “shelled by an elephant” thing.
But it isn’t just laughing at inappropriate times. It is laughing at whatever life throws at you. I have laughed sitting beside more hospital beds than I can count. I can find humor in the situation. I have laughed when it seems as if there is nothing funny. Trust me, something is funny and can be found. You need someone to help you find the funny, come sit by me. We’ll laugh.
Never was it more evident than when my brother, my sister and I were all together in December. We laughed at everything. We laughed at each other. We laughed at ourselves. We laughed at our family. We laughed at strangers. We probably even laughed at you! The point is this. Mom gave each one of us something special that is unique to each of us but she gave all of us something that we can share with each other and with those around us: The ability to laugh in life’s face. And, oh boy, do we laugh!
That’s what I remember (and carry with me) most when it comes to Mom.
It’s time to find what was lost and build what was broken.
January 1, 2010
I knew it was happening. I could feel it. I could see it. Sometimes you know. Yet, even knowing doesn’t mean you can do anything about it. Maybe it started when Mom died. Maybe it started before then. I don’t know. But it really came to fruition in 2009. I lost myself. I lost who I was. I lost the core of what made me a happy, healthy person. I really don’t think it is important to know when or why or even how. What matters is that I finally reached yet another rock bottom where I have to make changes. And? I am going to make this the year that I do it. Why this year? No reason except…I absolutely have to do it. For me. For my kids. For my husband. For my friends. But honestly, it is really for me.
I guess you could say I lost my way in a few areas: Blogging, personally, writing. They all intertwine so when one goes south, it can carry the rest with them.
I will start with the most obvious one to those of you who are reading this.
Blogging
Wow. The face of blogging has changed so dramatically I couldn’t even find the words for it if I tried. (And I have tried.) You see, way back in the stone ages (like 1990), I helped my husband with a BBS. That was what I knew of the Interwebs. I loved it. I could sit in the comfort of my house and actually talk to people that were in their house. Amazing. We had games, forums and chats. I loved it! By 1993, I was learning more about what was out there and saw that it was more than just for tech geeks. In 1995/96, I learned the wonder of online journals. (Thank you Al Gore for inventing the amazing Internet!) I had a sleepless baby which led to many nights of feedings and surfing. It was then that I branched away from what my husband was doing and started my own online journal. After time, it morphed into a website with real live links to other websites. I was connected, baby! I kept my website and journal going in one form or another for years.
It was in 2003 that I started what you find here: Mommy Needs Coffee. From Blogger to my own url, I had found my very own space on the Internet. I loved it! I wrote stories about my kids, my life, my observations on both and people came. They actually showed up and read what I had to write. Which of course led me to their blogs where I read what they had to say and commented. It was a small but fun community. A blogger get together meant you all showed up to chat and “hang out” online. You knew that other bloggers had your back when it came to haters. It was fun. I knew where I fit in to the small part of the big picture.
I blogged on while others quit.
I blogged on when there was a huge controversy over whether or not to accept ads.
I blogged on when the term “mommyblogger” was synonymous with fluff and narcissism. I still knew who I was and where I belonged.
I blogged on through the “review or not review” controversy. I blogged because to me it was gratifying and gave me a wonderful outlet for my writing, my thoughts and my silliness. Through my blogging I found friends, jobs and an agent. I also lost friends. Sometimes the written word can do more damage than good. But through it all, I knew who I was and where I belonged. Though the landscape had changed, the core was the same. Many of us who were blogging for a long time felt the growing pains but blogged on.
And then came the Big Change. I don’t really know when the big change actually occurred or what caused the massive shift in blogging, but it shook the core of blogging to the roots. Are you a review blogger or a writing blogger? Are you both? Can you be both? Do you have content that is yours or paid for content? Can I trust you or are you being paid to say what you say? Where are the stories? Where is the writing that drew me into this amazing blogging world?
More than once I tried to express myself but it was shouting into the wind. The noise level was too high. The chatter was too loud. Old voices were drowned out. At least I felt mine was. I no longer knew where my place in the blogging world was. I was a mom. I blogged. I helped bring respect to the term “mommyblogger” with both my writing and the mommybloggers.com site. Yet, I could not identify with what was not being called “mommyblogger” in the crazy changes taking place. It was all about reviews and blogger junkets and what trips you were invited on and what speaking engagements or sponsorships you could garner. It was insanity.
At least it was from the point of view from someone who had been at this for so long. Yes, I was invited on some blogger junkets. I did go when it worked for my family. When it did not, I would have to pass and offer up a name or two of someone who would be able to go and enjoy it. Yes, I did reviews for products I could use and enjoy. And, yes, I did enjoy that, too. I am not against any of that. It was just that somewhere in there the writing, the stories, the real life of the bloggers became over-shadowed. I missed reading stories.
Let’s not even get into the pressure to measure up.
“Were you invited to ______ junket?”
“Did you get an invite to go to Disney?”
“Were you asked to be on this panel of experts?”
“Did you get a free ______?”
What?
Had it become a competition? What are the rules? Where is the master list of A-Listers who go on these things? Do I need to pursue these PR reps or just hope they find me? What about my SEO? Where do I rank? Why isn’t that company talking to me? Push! Push! Push! Get out there so everyone knows your blog! Get known so you can go on trips! Become an expert in mommyblogging so every PR firm in the country wants you!
What?
I was lost. All I wanted to do was write and enjoy the writing of others. Yes, of course the trips, the games, the products, the gaming systems and other things I was honored to review are an awesome perk IN ADDITION TO the writing. But where did an old school blogger who just wanted to write and enjoy it fit in? SEO meant nothing to me. Getting aggressive and going after sponsorships for conferences was foreign to me. Telling a PR rep that I should go on his/her junket felt rude to me. Suddenly, I just didn’t fit in to the very genre that I help give a good name to when it was once just mud. Now what?
I stopped blogging. I couldn’t find my voice. Do I write for the readers, the PR reps, the possible job offers? Could I just write my blog the way I have always written my blog and not get lost in all of the noise and chaos that was around me? I have seen good friends of mine who have been at this blogging gig as long as I have succeed. They write a good blog and get invited to junkets and do reviews. They found their place. Why couldn’t I find mine?
So I stopped blogging.
Then, for reasons I will never know but am more thankful for than I could put into words, I was contacted for a blogger opportunity in DC. I had not blogged in ages. In fact, I almost turned it down. Thankfully, my good friend Dave would not give up on me and just flat out booked my ticket for me. He may never know what that meant to me. Forced into a situation where I wanted to go and felt that I should go, I actually embraced this blogger junket with excitement (and a bit of trepidation). I was not on anyone’s A-list anymore. I was no longer a blogger with a name. I was just a blogger who may or may not update that very few people really knew about or read. But somewhere deep inside I knew that I absolutely had to go on this trip. I had to go.
It was on this trip to DC that I met with the president of A Partnership for a Drug Free America, lobbyists on Capitol Hill, Senators, Congressman, the Five Moms (whom I have met and worked with for a few years already) and, yes, Dr. Drew Pinsky.
That one trip changed everything. Everything. How is it that one person (though so very qualified in his field and so very used to dealing with addicts and the bullshit and baggage they throw down) could meet me, have a few conversations with me and then say to me the very things I HAD to hear? Not things I wanted to hear or would benefit from hearing, but the very things I HAD to hear to move forward. That one trip– and it came through my blog– was life changing.
And? It made me question the things I do and why I do them. Including blogging. (And writing.) I can’t share what he said to me. Not yet. But trust me when I say that after almost 10 years in recovery, no one has ever nailed down my issues as fast, as accurately and as matter-of-fact as Dr. Drew did. He really hit a spot that not only no one else has hit, no one else has even seemed to see it.
It made a difference. A huge difference.
It made me stop and think.
Where do I fit in?
Do I want to fit in?
Is there a place for someone so old school as myself?
Can I still do this and be true to myself and what I want out of a blog?
Do I blog for me or for the new faces in the crowd that may be watching/reading/taking note?
The answer took a long time in coming. (Which is one of the reasons I have been so quiet here.)
I blog for me.
For me.
Me.
If someone thinks it is good and wants to comment, I love that! If a PR rep thinks I am a good fit for their product or junket, we will talk. If someone out there likes what I have to say well enough to add me to some random list of “Top Bloggers”, then that is up to them.
For now, this blog, this writing, these stories are for me.
If you enjoy them, that makes my heart so happy. If you don’t, there are so many blogs out there I am sure you will find one you enjoy. However, for now, I shall make this blog what it once was: My outlet. My place to share stories and observations on life, love and motherhood. I hope you stick around but if you don’t, I understand. Old school blogging and story telling isn’t for everyone.
So many of you have emailed or asked me on Facebook how Gabriella is doing. She is still sick. She is still baffling doctors. We are still waiting on test results.
The first phone call came yesterday saying she is dehydrated and has pneumonia. And? They are waiting on more test results from her blood to find more answers. Oh, the agony of watching my poor baby girl while the amazing nurses tried to draw blood from her dehydrated body. I know how much it hurt her. She was such a trooper! I cried just a bit watching but never when she saw me. They said they were still waiting on some blood work results to come back but one of the results showed inflammation in her body but not what they would see with pneumonia. (So what is it?) Her ears hurt but they see no sign of infection. Yet, she hurts and cannot hear very well at all. They “see” no reason for that.
I want answers.
The second call came today saying they were not sure about the pneumonia. (I saw the x-ray. Her lungs definitely had something going on there.) When I questioned it, I was told the nurse would call me back. She, too, saw in inconsistencies with chart results. I insisted that it was the doctor that needed to call. I wanted to talk to her doctor and make him explain what is going on with my baby girl. The doctor never called me back.
I want answers!
We are going on day 8 of a fever that does not go below 100 degrees and topped off at 104.7. I know fevers are meant to fight the germs but this is too long. I give her ibuprofen around the clock and her fever goes down to near 100. But doesn’t break. It only broke a few hours on Saturday. Then it shot back up.
I want answers now!
She doesn’t want to eat. She doesn’t want to drink. (Though I am pouring Gatorade and water in her around the clock.) She even refuses to eat a Popsicle.
She is breaking my heart. All she wants is to sleep and lay on the couch. Many times with me there. Most of the time just alone and in a zone. She is fighting something we don’t know about. She is battling an enemy where our only weapon is antibiotics and hope that it works.
I want answers now from someone!
And of course I am exhausted so when this song I love and have heard a million times came on the radio tonight, I pulled over and sobbed. A phrase here and there sucker punched me. (I know the song is about something more serious that we (think) we are battling, but the words got to me anyway.)
By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there’s something less about her
And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
But don’t let her see
Fight the good fight, not the dirty one that hurts your community and your fellow mombloggers!
October 5, 2009
Rarely do I use my blog to rant and vent when it comes to other bloggers. However, what I saw go down last week on blogs and on Twitter has me rather irate. What am I talking about? I am talking about the #nestlefamily blogger junket. I watched on Twitter as the chaos and mudslinging occurred. I stayed out of it. I know most of the bloggers that attended and I know they do not support “baby killing” as it was so often referred to. I do understand that many people have issues with Nestle. I read posts and followed links to see what the firestorm was all about. I saw the outrage and anger towards Nestle- some backing up their outrage, some just jumping on the bangwagon.
But here is where it went too far: When other bloggers went as far as to slam, criticize and be downright cruel to the bloggers in attendance. Seriously? That is just uncalled for when you attack the attendees. Some of the bloggers were very hurt by the accusations and cruelty thrown their way. And some of this venom was by other blogger they respect(ed). Did those of you who attacked the bloggers personally approach them in a respectful way or just throw stones?
You see, as one of the pioneers in mommyblogging, I have seen how far we have come. We were once at the bottom of the blogging ladder. We were the ones at the back of the list when it came to asking opinions of us or looking to us to educate and inform others about a product or service. We (including some of the bloggers in attendance) fought hard to gain respect in the world of social media and with corporate America. It was through our hard work, quality writing and open mindedness that we opened doors to major corporations to reach out to us. Yes, we opened the door to gain access to these companies. We earned their respect and therefore they have seen the power mom bloggers have online. Believe it or not there was a time when there was no such thing as a blogger junket.
I remember one of the first held was Johnson’ s Baby Camp. Yes, there was a blow up over that one. However, when bloggers were upset, they went to Johnson’s. I did not see the actual bloggers being attacked personally. Since then there have been many, many blogger trips to corporations where mom bloggers can learn about the companies, their practices and what they stand for as a company. (Disclosure: Yes, I have been on some of these. Yes, I do enjoy going. And, YES, I have learned more about these companies from attending. It is not about a free trip and swag. Do I enjoy going on these trips? Of course I do. A prime example is the trip I took to Hallmark. I learned so much there and met amazing creative people. I did have fun but more than that, I learned so much more about the company itself. I do look into the companies when I am asked to go on one of these blogger junkets. Just for the record. The majority of us do not just get an invite and automatically jump for joy and attend. We attend for a reason. We attend to hear what they have to teach us and show us about their company.) For the record, Johnson’s did learn from the constructive criticism they received. I worked with the PR person on this and saw it from their side as well.
Some of these women were at the forefront of mommyblogging. They were ones that (even if the term mommyblogger made their skin crawl) fought to be heard and respected. They are not into blogging for free trips, swag or bragging rights that they have been able to go on these trips. They are the ones whose quality of writing brought these trips to you. (Yes, you who have been on them yourselves and enjoyed them.) They helped show that we are powerful, useful and want to learn more about the products they may (or may not) be buying for their families. To suggest anything else is not only inaccurate but cruel. These women were blogging about their lives long before there was any monetary compensation or free trips involved. Long before some of you were even blogging.
I saw and heard many women I respect personally attack these bloggers and frankly, it pisses me off in a big way. I lost respect for women I had admired who used social media as a way to attack the attendees themselves. What do you hope to gain doing that? Do you think that by attacking their ethics, motivation and character makes you look more informed and a better person/mom blogger? Well, it doesn’t. It makes you look foolish and immature.
If you have a problem with Nestle, bring it up with NESTLE. You want to boycott them, you go on with your bad self. You want to tell Nestle off, do it. It is well within your right to stand strong in your beliefs when it comes to a company and their practices. I applaud you being an advocate for what you believe. I seriously do admire those of you who stand up for what you believe and fight to see that injustices you hear or learn about are dealt with.
However, the moment you made it personal towards the mombloggers (and dad blogger) who went to this event, you lost your credibility. At least with me. It amounts to nothing more than school yard bullying. Not to mention bullying some of the very people who have opened doors that I know you have enjoyed walking through yourself.
And, yes, I know that not all of the people who are anti-Nestle berated these bloggers. I know that. Enough did, though, that I feel it should be addressed.
Those of you who did make it personal with these bloggers, the next time you decided to throw stones at these people, you think long and hard about what stones could be thrown at you. Their attendance did not mean they support Nestle’s practices. Do you know why they went? Did you ask them what their motivation was to attend? Did you find out if they wanted to become better informed on the issues you brought up? Or did you assume their attendance automatically made them the bad guys?
With social media such as Twitter it is so easy to sit behind a computer and hurl your insults and make these people feel bad. Are you using social media as a tool or as a weapon? Think about it.
Had I been able to go, would I have gone? Probably. Not because I discount the research done by many bloggers on the company. Not because I wanted a free trip. And not because I will blindly go anywhere I am asked to go. But because no matter how much research I read from you, I want to get my own answers. I want to see both sides. I want to educate myself.
I am so disappointed in how my fellow mombloggers were treated personally. It infuriates me.
I fear that behavior like I saw will drag the mom(my) blogger name into the mud and shove us back into the depths of “we don’t want to hear from them” because dammit we have worked too hard for too many years to gain respect.
And, no, I am not talking about speaking out about your feelings, research and ideas about Nestle itself. I am talking about the rude, mean spirited attacks against women I know to be admirable, respected and intelligent well educated bloggers who have done amazing things when it comes to blogging–namely momblogging.
Shame on those of you who saw fit to attack the attendees themselves.
Use your anger and your outrage over the company to open a dialogue with Nestle or use your words to educate those who do not know what you have researched.
And for the love of all things community, back the hell off of these bloggers. They are good people.
The one where I realize how important it is to breathe
September 16, 2009
Today I had one of those fun filled days where I got to spend it in the hospital. Let me just tell you one thing about me. Unless I am giving birth (and I am so NOT doing that ever again), I do not want to be in a hospital. Ever. They are scary, germy and people have needles (and use them)! For real. They actually find it acceptable to take your blood, poke a needle right into your butt and inject you with (a painful) medicine that will make you feel like a freak on speed AND then they come back and take more blood with a needle sucking it straight from your arm. I don’t know about you, but I am pretty sure that kind of behavior would be totally and absolutely illegal on the street! Yet, every day people in scrubs or white coats get away with this kind of activity with no guilt or consequences and we allow this to happen. We let them into our room and we are all like, “Hi there, oh bearer of the needle! Would you like to puncture me and also drain me of my blood? Be my guest. And? I will totally pay you to do it!”
I allowed it to happen today!
So, apparently I have learned that:
Passing out is not normal and should be avoided at all costs.
You really should not take the act of breathing for granted. It is a rather important function even if you don’t think about it. When you feel as if you are breathing through a Capri-Sun straw, it is rough and…well…sucks. (Pun intended.)
You should not wait until you can barely function before seeing a doctor if these things happen.
Finally, you should not scare your Facebook friends by saying you are in the hospital, posting a photo just saying you want to go home and want your husband without any more of an explanation than that. It will worry them and then you will feel like an ass for worrying them just because you are a big ol’ scaredy cat baby head. *Note: I totally am a big baby when it comes to doctors who don’t know what is wrong with me and I am all alone in the hospital. Big. Huge. Cry. Baby.
I am SO not a fan of hospitals. See how pathetic I look?
I was finally sent home and told to go to bed and stay there. For a few days. (Pending blood work results.) Stay in bed. For a few days. hahahahahahaha Are these people high on their own medication? The ability of a mom of 3 to stay in bed for days is about the same as reversing the tides and having the sun rise in the west. Now, don’t get me wrong. I will try to follow doctor’s orders as best I can. (Meaning, when the family is away, I will sleep/rest.) And? I know better than to try to go up to the school. I have been threatened asked nicely by my friends to stay the hell away take my time to recuperate.
I will know more tomorrow from all of the eleventy hundred vials of blood they took from me today. They are thinking my lungs sound not quite wet enough for pneumonia and are leaning towards thinking I have whooping cough. Now, really! This is 2009. Who the hell gets whooping cough at age 39 in the year 2009? That is just ludicrous. All I know is I am coughing violently enough and often enough to literally burst vessels in my face and eyes. (Nasty, right? I know!) I may or may not have coughed up my spleen earlier. The dog ate it before I could check. (I’m kidding. Relax. I don’t let him eat spleen.) I have a fever. My chest and back hurt. And can I just tell you how tired I am. EXCEPT the sheer bliss that are the breathing treatments have me wired like a cocaine addict.
And in all that? I feel blessed. WTH you say, Jenn? No, really. I have great friends who have checked on me that are local, out of the city, out of the state and even out of the country. That (of course) brought me to tears. (Because everything brings me to tears when I am sick. But really, it touched me.) And even old friends I haven’t seen in years checked up to make sure I was okay. That kind of shocked me. I was just whining because I was scared and suddenly people are showing real concern. Thank you. I would hug you but I hear I am contagious so you probably don’t want that.
I will update you later. For now, thank you to my friends– old, new and renewed– for your show of support. Now, since we are in such a nice loving state of mind, can I please borrow one of your lungs. I will give it back. Well, I really won’t but I will be thankful to breath and will tattoo your name on my….bicep. Just one lung? Maybe?
Okay. I am off to bed to lay there and flail around like a fish flopped out of water onto a dock gasping for air but shaking like a freak. (That is called imagery boys and girls. And some people call it medically induced writing.)
The Brutal Sisters: We Get “Stuff” Done! Or how my sister and I cleaned out 30 years worth of stuff and laughed our way through it!
September 6, 2009
Just before school started, I went to my Dad’s house to help my sister clean it and declutter it from top to bottom so that he can put it on the market to sell. We (and by “we” of course I mean my parents) bought that house 30 years ago. That means 30 years of clutter, memories, stuff, clothes, books, etc. You name it, I am sure we came across it. From prom dresses to wedding dresses, baby clothes to baby dolls, trophies to report cards; it was all there. We went through every closet, drawer and even the attic. The attic that is the place where “stuff” goes not to die but to multiply!
I thought it was going to be very hard emotionally to go through all of this. To take 30 years of memories and be brutal enough to discard most of it and save only what we really felt was of value to us personally. I mean, let’s face it. It doesn’t take much to make me cry. I even cried on the way down there just thinking about it. In all honesty, it really wasn’t as hard on me emotionally as it was physically. Hauling 30 years worth of stuff from it’s storage is some serious labor! My body was bruised, cut and sore all over. I was not expecting it to take the physical toll on me that it did.
My sister and I talked about what we would do if it became too emotional etc and she admitted she wanted to make sure I could be brutal if I had to be. (We both have husbands telling us not to bring all of that “stuff” back to our own houses!) I told her it may take some time, but we would get through it if I was emotional.
It took about 30 minutes for me to get over that! The job was so overwhelmingly huge, we did not have time to wallow in sentiment. Now, had I been on my own, it would have taken much longer and been much more difficult. However, I was with my sister. If there is one thing my sister and I do together, it is laugh. Cleaning out decades worth of “stuff” is no exception. If you did not know us, you may think we were being brutal. Hell, my dad even thought we were a bit brutal at times. It’s just that we had to be. We simply had to be to! It was necessary to 1) Make sure we did not get bogged so far down into sentiment that we kept everything and 2) We did not have time to be sentimental over everything. We had a schedule to keep.
Going through a closet went something like this:
Remember this?
Yeah?
Important?
Nope.
Trash it!
This?
Oh, I remember when Mom wore that to _____ !
Oh, me too!
Trash.
Is this yours?
Yes.
Care?
Nope.
Trash.
And that was how it went for every closet, drawer etc. Except we laughed at almost every turn. You wouldn’t believe the things we found. While they held memories, we probably got rid of it. Every thing that held a story would get a laugh at the memory or a laugh at how brutal we were about the memory. The only things that did stop us for more than a few seconds were the pictures. We did love to look at the pictures. Finally, we decided all pictures go into one stack/box etc. until we had time to really enjoy looking at them. That got us back on our speedy track.
See how attractive I am after a half day of attic cleaning? (Purple face break)
I will admit that we put off going through the attic for as long as we could. Just picture it. A week of cleaning already behind us. A hot attic with no ventilation filled with dust and insulation in the heat of an August day in Texas. (Are you seeing why this did not sound like a pleasure cruise?)
It went about like this:
Up the attic stairs.
Get a box.
Down the attic stairs.
Make a pile of boxes.
When the boxes reach the bottom of the attic stairs, we close the attic stairs and begin the trek down the house stairs out to the garage.
Repeat about 50 times. (At the minimum. I am totally serious about that. It was at least that many trips.)
We only had a few rules:
You begin to cough up insulation, we take a break. (Not quit. Just a break.)
Your face turns purple, we take a break. But just until the purple turns a light shade of red. (Drink water during this break!)
You have to pee, you hold it.
You fall down the stairs, you brush it off and may get a break if there is blood.
A kid is screaming, has broken something of value or has escaped, you get a short break to get another kid to tend to him.
You pass out, you’re on your break until you come to.
But let me tell you this about me and my sister. We get sh*t done! There are no trips down Memory Lane. We are cruising down, Get It Done Drive. We don’t want to play “Do You Remember When…” We would much rather play “Trash and Dash So We Can Shower”. I know it sounds cold but it is necessary when you are going through so much. Did I mention 30 YEARS worth of stuff. And? Our Mom was a packrat. Big time. Massively. Over the top! I do believe that this exercise in massive cleaning has cured me of the packrat disease. If I can’t wear it, use it or store it in what little room I have allowed, I will take a picture of it and trash it.
Brutal?
Yeah, tell me how brutal I am after I have lived here 30 years and YOU get to clean out my stuff. For that matter, I have only been in this house for 13 years and am already overwhelmed with the crap. And? I have zero volunteers (including my husband and kids) to help me declutter.
What I really wish is that my sister and I lived closer to each other? Why? Well, besides the obvious that she is one of my very best friends and can make me laugh like no one else, we could start one incredibly successful business of just cleaning out people attics and closets. I can see it now:
“The Brutal Sisters: We Get Sh*t Done!”
Hey, I would hire us. Hmmm, maybe I can pay my sister to come help with my house. Of course, the payment would have to be laughter and the joy of my company. And wine. But that is about all it took for us to get through about 85 bags of trash in one week with Dad. Imagine all we could do here!
So, for now the hardest part is over. At least the hardest physical part. Next up? The emotional part. When the house sells. Why does it matter? Stay tuned for part 2 of this and you will see why it matters to me.
I had no intention of writing about blogging as your passion and then not blogging again for weeks. I suppose that is the trouble with blogging your life– sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. Things have been so busy and overwhelming, i don’t even know where to start.
I will start with one and just post others as I have time. (Including helping clean up and pack my childhood home so my Dad can move and becoming and stumbling with being the elementary school’s PTA president.)
Last weekend my daughter’s best friend moved. They have been best friends since kindergarten. When you are in third grade, that is practically a lifetime. That is a hard transition for a kid. What makes it harder is that her best friend’s mom is also one of my best friends. We certainly feel the loss of this family deeply.
I suppose it helps my daughter to see that she is not alone in the feeling of loss. We spent last Saturday evening after they left snuggled under blankets watching movies. Of course, I would have chosen different movies, but in this case the movies of choice were High School Musical 1 and 2 and started on 3 but it became too late to get through it. (I know. It is heartbreaking to have not finished the 3 movie marathon.)
For Gabriella making new friends or bonding with friends she has known in her class but she was not close to is a bit easier. You just start playing games on the playground or sit with them at lunch or even share your coolest toys. I wish it was as easy for an adult like me.
When I was talking to my sister I compared it to being divorced. You are still there and you still there and you still have the same people in your life but your “partner in crime” is gone. It is hard to try to open up again in a new way with old friends when you are, well, old(er). They have their “groups” and the people they do things with already firmly established. How do you break into a new group when you have never been a part of it before. Adults can be set.
Don’t misread me. I am not sitting home all alone whining about “poor me” for feeling alone. I am trying to open myself up to new opportunities and new friends. I am just not as good as it as I was in 4th grade when it was easy to just assume that of course it is okay to just say “Let’s be friends!” and you have a new group of friends to run with when you want it.
When I find myself worrying about it, I take a step back and think about my friend. She is in a new city, a new home, a new school with none of the familiar things around her that she has come to know so well living here for over a decade. I at least have familiarity. I talk to her and do what I can do to help her realize how wonderful she is and how she will be surrounded by new friends in no time. Every ending brings with it a new beginning. Her ending of her life here is a fresh new beginning for her. And, by the same token, I need to remember that her moving (an ending for me) is a new beginning for me as well. I just need to figure out how to embrace that.
For now, I am taking my daughter’s lead and opening up to new experiences and new people. And? Trying to figure out how to open up to the “older/familiar” friends that have been in my life. Sometimes my brain just takes me back to high school mentality. I admit it. I feel like the geek girl trying to break into the “popular girl” clique. Maybe I should buy a shirt that says, “My BFF just moved…wanna be my friend?”
Or maybe that is overkill.
Or maybe I am just really hard to approach. I don’t know.
What I do know is that change makes us grow. This past month I have seen plenty of “growth” to last me for a year. So, I am giving a shout out to life….Settle down. I need to catch my breath.
Mommybloggers: Integrity, Community and Taking Back the Respect We Earned
August 1, 2009
Back in 2005 before the first BlogHer conference, two amazing women- Jenny of Three Kid Circus and Meghan of I’m A Bloggin’- were asked to be on a panel about mommyblogging by BlogHer co-founder Elisa. I was honored to be asked by Lisa Stone to join them. We were told it would be a small room and not to feel bad as it may not have many attendees. In fact, I believe the words “mommyblogging” and “passing phase” were used by Elisa. (Yes, we laugh about that now seeing as there was an entire track dedicated to mommybloggers in 2009.) You see, back then mommybloggers were at the very bottom of the blogging food chain. We were just moms writing as a “little hobby.” We were not taken seriously. We were not respected. We were the frivolous bloggers who would go away soon enough. During that session, the room was filled to capacity. Not only were other mom bloggers present, but tech bloggers, literary agents, a reporter and others who were just curious to see what we had to say.The main topic of conversation that first year at the first BlogHer during their first mommyblogging session was the phrase “mommyblogger” itself. Was it derogatory? Was it demeaning? Do you we fight it or embrace it? Many opinions were shared that day but the bottom line came down if “they” were going to call us mommybloggers, we were going to make it a phrase to be proud of when we were labeled with it. Many women that day did not want to be labeled at all. Especially not labeled a mommyblogger. At that time it was “uncool” to be a mommyblogger. We did not have respect. We did not have the “power” that other kinds of bloggers had. In fact, it was almost a joke to be called a mommyblogger. We did not have the media clamoring to talk to us about our blogs. There were not agents knocking on our doors for book deals. We certainly did not have marketing representatives or PR professionals coming to us for our opinions.
Alice of Finslippy said it best when she stood up at the closing keynote and declared, “Mommyblogging is a radical act!” And? It was. At that time, to be called a mommyblogger and have a mommyblog was radical. We had to fight for any respect we received. We had to work hard to earn any recognition that was not negative. It was radical to embrace (or even accept) being called a mommyblogger.
What did we walk away with that day? If “they” were going to continue to label us mommybloggers, we would make it a term that was synonymous with respect, integrity and quality writing. The opinions and writing styles represented by the women in that room at that panel were as varied as the writers behind them. It wasn’t as if we walked away holding hands and singing Kumbaya. We weren’t suddenly some bonded community that adored each other and created a uniform way of mommyblogging. For goodness sakes, some of us didn’t even like each other but we did respect the writing represented by each one of us Regardless of any of our differences, we did agree on one thing: We would no longer sit back and be disrespected for being a mommyblogger. We were not going to sit at the bottom rung of the blogging ladder and be content. As a collective of individual writers, we were taking back the term and demanding respect. Not by telling people to respect us. Not by storming the gates of the media and demand they respect us. No, we gained respect through our writing. Call us what you want–label us what you want– we were first and foremost writers. Good writers. We just happened to write about our family lives and our children.
Part of embracing the term was starting the site Mommybloggers. I registered it and went to Jenny and Meghan and asked if they wanted to start a site that focused on featured the quality writing of the amazing women who were labeled “mommybloggers.” Thus, a we began to shine a light on how amazing these women writers really are.
It was inspiring to see the changes in the perception of mommybloggers after that first year at BlogHer. We mommybloggers proved through our writing that we were a powerful group of bloggers. We showed that the power of our blogs reached much further than our immediate family. We could change the world with our words on our “little mommyblogs.”
Many of us that day were blogging long before some of the “big name” mommybloggers of today even had children. Yet, when they became moms and were suddenly labeled mommyblogger, they brought even more respect to our community. Simply because they were popular? No, not exclusively. Because they could write well and they did so with confidence and authority and wouldn’t let the label mommyblogger change that. It was an exclamation point on what we were doing. And I admire them immensely.
The fact of the matter is, those of us who were blogging at and around that time were pioneers in the mommyblogging field. We did it with pride, openness and quality. We told the stories of our lives. We shared stories about motherhood honestly and without apology. We took back the term “mommyblogger” and made it synonymous with power, integrity and respect. We worked hard to gain that respect. We fought for it. We earned it. And even those who did not want to be labeled at all could be proud when referred to as a “mommyblogger” because we all made that happen. Together. Individually with our own blogs. Yet together.
In the past year or so a new crop of mommybloggers has popped up. Many women who are a part of this new breed of mommybloggers have come to the scene heralding with much pomp and circumstance a sense of entitlement. They feel they are owed something. They feel just by slapping the label mommyblogger on their blog (blogs where they barely if ever write about their personally lives or families at all), they have earned the same respect as those who are writing quality stories that engage their readers. Do not misunderstand me. I am under no circumstances saying that this includes all new mommybloggers. I don’t care if you started blogging 10 days ago or 10 years ago. It is not in the length of time blogging but in the attitude behind it. There are some absolutely amazing mommybloggers who are just starting out who I absolutely respect. It is not about being new. It is about being a part of the “new breed” that is stirring things up.
What do I mean by a ” new breed” of mommybloggers? I am talking about the ones who project an air of entitlement because they are a “mommyblogger.” I am talking about the ones who shout so loud to marketers that the rest of us can barely be heard above the clamor. I am talking about the ones who behave rudely to PR people who do not give them what they want, complain if someone else got something they did not, or cry foul if they are not the ones sent on a trip that other women took. I am talking about the ones who try to tell others how to make PR work for them and how to get the best things and how they deserve those things. In the midst of all of the noise and self declared importance, where is the quality writing about life and family that actually brought respect to the mommyblogging community?
Now, before you even go there I will say that I do not have a problem with working with the media. (I have done several interviews both in print and on tv.) I do not have a problem working with marketers or PR representatives. (I have great relationships with many, many of them.) I do not have a problem with sending bloggers on trips to teach them more about a product and show them firsthand where it all starts. (I have been on a few of these and have referred many other mommybloggers for these trips when asked.) And finally, I do not have a problem with free products, product reviews or working with a company to test a new product. (I have done all of those more than once.) I do have a problem with assuming you are entitled to it, demanding you receive it and throwing an Internet hissy fit when it doesn’t go your way. I have a problem with behaving so poorly and rudely that the term “mommyblogger” is suddenly becoming synonymous with greed, rude behavior and a self important sense of entitlement.
Who do you think brought those marketers and media to your blog? Those of us who fought (and still fight) to bring respect to the term “mommybloggers.” Our writing, not our shouting, demanding or grabbing gained us the respect this new breed feels entitled to have.
This weekend I heard bloggers that I admire and respect say things to distance themselves from the term mommyblogger. The always kind and spot on Julie of The Mom Slant saying more than once “Don’t call me a mommyblogger!” Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored who never pulls a punch declaring her new motto ” Not all bloggers are like that” when referring to being called a mommyblogger. Hearing Busy Mom (The Original) –who happens to be one of the most mellow, non-judgemental, pioneers in the mommyblogging community– refer to all of this as the year shame died which in turn prompted the title of a brilliant post from the amazing blogger, Liz of Mom 101. I heard and experienced all of those last weekend.
And it broke my heart.
These are the women who stood up and earned respect for term “mommyblogger” through their amazing writing, professionalism and pride in what they write about. Even those who resist labels altogether wore the mommyblogger label with pride when it was applied to them are now these women want nothing to do with it. Those same women who brought respect to the term and the community are now repulsed by it.
And I am heartbroken.
And I am mad.
It brings to my mind a question that I have been pondering since all of this finally came to a head at BlogHer.
And I want you to think about this long and hard.
If you join an established and respected community, do you owe it anything? Is it your responsibility to respect what has been built with hard work and diligence by the people who consider themselves a part of that community? Especially if it is a community without set rules, guidelines or membership but rather it is merely a community of writers who have worked hard to support each other through their writing and willingness to stand up for each other both on their blogs and in their personal lives?
If you throw on that label, what does that mean? Does it mean anything? Should you respect those who came before you–the pioneers if you will–or do you say to hell with how it has been done or the work they have put into this community, this is how I want to do it?
If a community is built by being open to everyone who identifies with it, respects it and is proud to be a part of it, what happens to that community when just using the label that identifies it throws it into turmoil. When it places someone right smack dab into the middle of this open community and that person has little respect for what it stands for already?
Does self labeling make you are part of a community?
I don’t know.
What I do know is my heart broke when I heard amazing writers who have never fought the term mommyblogger and even go as far as bring it respect, not want to be associated with it. Worse? When I was talking to Susan Getgood, a woman I respect immensely, and heard the words, “I don’t even want to be called a mommyblogger anymore if this is what is has come down to.“ come out of my very own mouth, my heart dropped to my feet. The look on her face (and the tears that began rolling down my cheeks) said it all.
But now? You can forget that. Too many amazing mommybloggers fought too hard to walk away from something we brought respect to. Mark my words, we will take back the respect we earned and fought for. Will we do it through screaming, threats, blog attacks or excluding people? No. Absolutely not. That is not what built us up in the first place and it is not what will sustain us through this insanity of poor behavior.
What will we do? We will write the hell out of our blogs and remind people who mommybloggers are and why we earned the respect we have. Just before I left I was handed a fortune cookie. (I was overwhelmed so I cannot remember the link of who gave it to me. Tell me and I will link you!) That fortune cookie says it all for me.
The end looks much like the beginning. Return to what you once knew and many have forgotten along the way.
I know after a long blogging absence most bloggers will write something like “I am sorry it has been so long” or “I missed blogging so much!” or something along those lines.
The truth?
I didn’t miss blogging.
I have been off the grid (with the exception of occasional Facebook or rare Twitter and of course I have had my weekly online column for Parenting) and it has felt good. I so needed a break from the … how do I put this? I needed a break from the drama and crap that seemed to have swirled around the mommyblogging world. (Review or don’t review. Ads or no ads. Tranparency or no transparency. Sponsorship or no sponsorship. Enough!) So, I just unplugged and enjoyed life without worrying about my site, my ranks, review opporunities etc. I just unplugged.
So what did I do?
Well, I enjoyed a week’s worth of this:
During the day I was able to relax and just enjoy the calmness of life. I was able to actually find peace here:
When it was too hot to play in the sun and surf, I hung out with these fun people:
I can’t tell you how much I needed time away from everything that was reality based. It was good for my mental health and good for me to find peace that I am going to need for the upcoming months. (Though, I am ready to go back and find my Zen on the beach again!)
If you emailed me and I never responded, I apologize. I had well over 1,100 emails when I got back and I am sure I missed more than a few. I am sorry. If I owe you a phone call and have not gotten back to you, don’t hesitate to call me or shoot me another email telling me to get on the ball. I know I have been out of touch at times that it was tough for others. But for me? It was a break I had to have!
Now? I am working my tail off until BlogHer. Which I hear is just around the corner.
That’s right. I am going to BlogHer. I figured after being there every year, how can I miss the 5th anniversary? The answer is, I can’t! There is so much going on in such a few short days. (Hello? Nintendo? Remember me and all the work I did for you? The friendships? The whole tattoo with “I heart Nintendo” just for you? Looking for your email! I’m just sayin! *grin*) Anyway, I am really looking forward to seeing some old friends and catching up. I look forward to making new friends and learning about bloggers I have only read online. And? I look forward to laughing with some absolutely amazing women. Because I have some of my best laughs while I am at BlogHer. (Are you going? Let me know!)
Until then, it is work, work, work. (And daydreaming about the beach!)
So, I am back baby. I can’t tell you how often I will blog or what I will blog about because I am taking it as it comes. Here you have it. Hope you stick around.
