I won’t be quiet. No one should be in this situation.
May 6, 2010
I usually try not to use my blog as a pulpit. I try not to come off as someone who tries to make people think as I do. I tell stories. I am not a motivational speaker or preacher and I don’t use my blog as such. So, since you have been with me (many of you) for years, indulge me as I share something with you. I need to say it. If not for you, than for someone whose heart is open to it.
There are people I love who have been through hell this past week. Good people. For that matter, maybe even some bad people, too. Who they are doesn’t matter. They are people. Many are suffering. Many are in situations that are unfathomable to you as you sit in the comfort of your home cruising the Internet. Situations that should bring a tear to your eye or at the very least make you see that there is a world out there so much bigger than your tiny circle that you deal with on a daily basis. People whose problems are bigger than many of yours. Most definitely that are much bigger than anything in my life, that is for damn sure!
This is Nashville:
Look at it. Watch it. And when you do, don’t ignore it. What if it was your town? What if you were stranded without power for days and couldn’t get out or get supplies? What if your neighbor or your friend was missing and you knew that it has become a “recovery mission” and not a “rescue mission” now? Ask yourself whether or not the little annoyances matter in the grand scheme of things. As people have lost everything, ask yourself if the situations you are in- whether by choice or circumstance- are nearly as devastating or nearly as important as the ones these people are facing right now. Or if maybe, just maybe, you personally could use some of your own passionate nature (and I know my readers…they are passionate) to better use for these people. When you complain about having to deal with difficult people at work, be thankful you can go to work and then have a home to come back to at the end of the day. A home that is not under water. A home that is not devastated. A home where you have not lost everything.
I am not saying your problems are not real. They are real. Your struggles and grievances are just as valid. And, yes, they do matter. But for the love of all things human, LOOK at what people are dealing with right now. Look at their problems. Look at the real devastation in their lives and ask yourself: If I refocused my energies on the people of Nashville who need it, would that be a better use of passion, my prayers and my time than whatever it is I am currently focused on?
This flood hits my heart hard. I have people I have come to love that live there. I have friends who have been blessed enough to only endure a lack of power and friends who have seen complete devastation. THIS is what matters right now to me. And, you know what? THIS is where I choose to focus my energy, my attention and my heart. The silly little bullshit that goes on in day to day life that no one truly cares about and won’t even remember a year from now? I Do. Not. Care. About. That. Not when people I love face a situation such as this. My attention is where it needs to be and should be.
I care about these people who need it. I care about the loss of lives. I care about the people who are mourning the deaths of neighbors and praying that they can have something…anything… of their lives to salvage.
People I love are in need of my attention. And that? That is where I am focused because that is what matters in my heart.
And I would hope it would matter to others as well. Get out of your bubble and give your attention to people who need it. Isn’t that what humanity, compassion and “the greater good” really are about?
“As someone told me lately, Everyone deserves the chance to fly”- On Moving Forward
April 29, 2010
There are times in life when circumstances back you into a corner. Times when those you trust betray you and those you have come to rely on turn their back on you. It is in those times you find the people in your life who truly do have your back. The people who genuinely care. You can see through the masks that people wear and into the reality of their hearts. The truth of the matter is at those times, it can break you. It can take you and slam you down with a force you didn’t know existed in your world. At those times when you have felt abandoned and all alone you should look around through your tears and see who and what truly matters in your life. The sad fact is most of those times come at a high price and with great pain. It is a bit like hitting rock bottom in addiction. There is no where to turn and no where to go but up. But the beauty of it is when you stop and look around– feeling in your heart that without a doubt that you are standing alone– you see the people in your life who genuinely care about you and love you. Those are the true people in your life you can depend on, trust and open your heart to when you are at your weakest. Those are the people who will hold your hand when you need it. The people who will love you unconditionally and stand beside you to weather the storms of life. The reality is you probably are not as alone as you thought you were. You just weren’t looking in the right places.
For many of us a time has come or will come when your circumstances or the people you have chosen to surround yourself with will bring you to your knees, break your heart or back you into a corner where you can see no way out. Rather than focusing on the pain or the intense feelings of loneliness and anger you are bound to feel, take a good look at who is still standing with you. Take a really good look. Those are the people you want in your corner. Those are the people whose opinions and truth you want to rely on at that time. Those people who are ready, willing and able to drop everything to see you through the hardest of times– those are the people who do truly care and support you. The ones who are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt through your successes and failures.
Now, I am not saying that the other people who choose to turn away are people not worthy of your time, your prayers or your friendship. But those are not the people you should depend on to make your life choices or help you through the tough times. Those are not the people you need to depend on in a time of pain. They are merely people who have been brought into your life for a reason and a season. They have brought a life lesson with them. They have brought to you something you can take away. They are no less important in the grand scheme of things. They are your life teachers. Sometimes they are gentle and kind teachers who come and go from your life and bless with you with what they have brought to you. Sometimes there are those people whose lessons are brutal and painful. And sometimes those lessons are ones that you would never learn if it were not for the suffering they bring to you. They are just as important to your growth as a person as the people in your life that you know will never abandon you, abuse you or leave you when things get rough. They serve as a catalyst for a life lesson. People that somewhere deep inside- when you can think clearly through the pain or anger- that have led you to the path you should take or off of the one that will destroy your very soul.
My Mom always said life isn’t fair. And it isn’t. However, when the chips are down and you find out who stands with you, supports you and will be there for you, you should be thankful. Just as you should be thankful for the ones who broke your heart. Not in the same way, yet nevertheless their importance should not be diminished because you are hurt.
So what do you do in those times when you are broken and beaten down? You reach up, take the hand (or hands) that are offered, stand up, brush yourself off and move forward. Hopefully you’ll find yourself a better person for the life lesson they have brought. Even if they were brought to you at a great cost or with pain.
This week I learned many lessons. Some that had me in tears of pain for days. Some that have me in tears of extreme gratitude. And some that just opened my eyes in general to the reality– and not the perceived reality– but the actual reality of people, situations and circumstances I have allowed into my life that are toxic to me and my family. For that, I am truly thankful for those people and situations. They brought with them a lesson for a season. A lesson of fire and pain but a lesson that I can not only carry with me but use to help and guide others when I see them go down a similar path. It is an opportunity to share my experiences with others and let them know they are not alone when they find themselves beaten down and broken. I’ve learned our experiences are not for nothing. They are not trivial. We have not suffered them in vain.
I suppose what I am saying is that you should not regret the decisions you have made and the people you have had in your life. If your lesson has been learned and those people are truly there only for a season and simply for a single reason, you will find peace in moving forward. You will have learned what you needed to learn and the loss, though it can be painful, has served its purpose. Yes, even those who break your heart. There is a reason and a lesson. When you learn it, you will grow, be stronger and see things much clearer as you let them go.
But never, ever forget to take the time to thank those who are there for the good and the bad. The ones who stand with you when you succeed and when you fail. I am talking about the people who will always stand beside you and support you and will be honest with you from their heart and from a place of love because those are the people you can always be free to hand over your heart to and know that it will be cherished and not broken. Just remember to thank those people in your life who are truly and genuinely there for you. They are your blessings. They are your true gifts in life. Blessings to lean on through your sufferings and to cheer with you through your celebrations. And in return, you will grow with them and be able to hold their heart in your hands and cherish it and take care of it with gentle hands just as they have done for you.
Lessons are learned.
Seasons change.
And people leave.
Those who don’t turn their backs and walk away…well, count your blessings. Never take them for granted. I know I never will again. For I am blessed. Broken hearted but full of peace for I know now without any doubt in my mind, I do not and never will stand alone.
With the help of those friends standing with me…
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
The worst thing for me to do is to ever regret any friendship. Every one of them have enriched me in one way or another. I had a long talk about this recently with my sponsor and she helped me realize that from the heartbreak of a childhood friendship gone terribly wrong and painful to those lost as an adult. From friends who have just moved on from my life to those who have been and (hopefully) always will be a part of me.
You all matter.
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the thing I’ve done you blame me for. (But then I guess we know, there’s blame to share.) And none of it seems to matter anymore…
First you slip, then you fall. But sometimes, love and family catch you before you do either.
February 7, 2010
Here it is Sunday night and all I can think is “Oh, please, do not let this weekend end! I am not ready for Monday!“ I had a great weekend with my family and got a much needed mental break. Last week was hellacious. Horrible. One of the worst I have had in years. I do not want to get into details because suffice it to say that 1) I do not want to relive it and 2) I really don’t want to relive it.
Wednesday was just bad. For reasons I cannot get into (I am just not comfortable sharing since things here have been used against me in my real life), I was thrown into a really bad place. What amazed me was that a very dear friend of mine hundreds of miles away could tell- with only a few words- how bad off I was. In fact, she talked to me until I was doing better. She sent me phone numbers I needed and links to make sure I had some local backup. After seeing that I was doing better but needed to talk to someone in recovery, she reminded me of a mutual friend of ours that would be there for me in a heartbeat if I called him. I sent out an SOS message to him and we were almost immediately on the phone. The timing was not good and I knew he had things to do but he stayed on the phone with me for over an hour just getting me back on track and reminding me of who I am, where I’ve been and how hard I’ve worked. Together they helped get me out of my own head and back to a peaceful place. Two friends in two different states who care enough to come to the aid of a friend.
I have to state the obvious here but I really, really do hate addiction. Here I am with almost 10 years of hard work and recovery and yet there are times when I am just as vulnerable- sometimes I think even more vulnerable- than I was just 10 months or even 1o days clean.
I woke up feeling better and happier on Thursday. I had a good day despite a very difficult morning of struggles and that afternoon was so grateful that Gabby and I were able to spend a couple of hours catching up with good friends. That night it was all throw to hell and everything came tumbling down on my head.
I lost it in a way I have not lost it in years. It was the first time in many, many years that a situation came along that filled me with such despair, pain and desperation that I feared for myself. In my head at that time, I no longer cared about anything but not hurting. I didn’t care about the 10 years of hard work. I didn’t care about anything I have accomplished in the past decade. I didn’t care what it would do to me, my kids or anyone else around me. All I wanted was to not hurt like I was hurting. I wanted to drown myself in the momentary release that being high gave me. All I wanted was to escape. To get away from the life of hell that was baring down on me and about to swallow me whole.
Escape.
Escape.
For the love of all things peaceful, I had to get away from the pain!
I had to let someone know I was going to slip fall hard.
But I didn’t want to say it because right then, right there, I wanted to fall. I wanted to give in. Ten years of saying no when I hurt. Ten years of “talking through it” and “finding alternatives” when I felt horrible. Ten years of staying strong when I really did not want to be. None of that mattered. I was willing to throw it and myself back to hell.
A friend of mine who knew only a third of my story and half of the pain I was in came over and wanted to make sure I cleared out any medications or alcohol in my house. If she knew only half and knew to just come over and get things out of my house, can you imagine how bad I actually was?
Again, there were phone calls- this time it was Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Go Directly to AA.
I talked to people in recovery who got me back on track. I talked to people who really knew me and spilled it out. I talked to friends late into the night. I cuddled up with my kids who saw me almost lose it for the first time ever in their lifetime and let them know I was okay. Cuddled the fear out of them.
I snuggled up with my husband and told him everything. I felt him tense. I knew a part of him wanted to bite his tongue and resist the urge to give me advice. He just listened as I worked through it. I know how hard it is on him when I hurt and feel so hopeless. I know it breaks a part of him every time I feel broken. I know it makes him feel helpless when I let life beat me down and head into a tailspin. But he always stands by me and loves me. He listened. He let me pour it all out. He didn’t judge (me) and didn’t blame (me) but listened, loved and waited for me to work through it knowing he was standing there as my safety net.
Friday, I woke up feeling like I had gone 10 rounds with a heavy weight fighter. I guess in a way I did. I fought my demon.
And I won.
It took a while on Friday to work through things but again, it took talking on the phone with people who really do know me and being with people this weekend who really do accept me for who I am that made me realize that things have to change. For me. For my family. For my sanity and sobriety. Things have to change. And I have hard work ahead of me but I am not alone. I just know things have to change.
In a huge way.
And I have started to take steps to go back to being me and not anyone else’s version of me.
Right before school started in August, my daughter’s best friend moved away. She only moved 3 hours away, but it certainly wasn’t local anymore. I’ve watched how this has changed Gabriella. It is in subtle ways that unless you know her, you may not see it.
She seems a little lost, I hear close friends of ours say.
She and her best friend met the first day of kindergarten and formed a bond immediately. It’s not like they were joined at the hip 24/7, but they did a lot of things together. When they were apart they still knew someone always had their back. They knew that in any new situation or circle of friends, there was always someone they could count on and lean on or just simply have the comfort of knowing they would be there.
Where is my safety net to catch me when I fall or my tether to keep me grounded? I see her wonder.
I have talked to her about it a few times. She usually just shrugs and moves on, unable to find the words to express what she feels or misses or is searching for.
I get it! I tell her
You see, Gabriella’s best friend’s mom was one of my best friends. She was my safety net. My tether to keep me grounded. The one I knew always had my back. The friend where I could always and would always be myself.
She seems a little lost. They say about me.
I do for myself what I try to convince Gabriella to do: Branch out. Let yourself be open to new friends. Accept invitations to be with new people. Let your guard down a little bit. Okay, let your guard down a lot.
But where is my safety net to catch me when I fall or my tether to keep me grounded? I don’t know anymore!
One thing she has learned even though she is only in third grade is people form their “tribe” early. Most of the girls in her class have been going to the same school for 4 years now. They have their best friends and their tribes. It isn’t written but it is there. She’s made new friends. She’s joined new groups. Yet, she still searches for her tribe. She searches for where she belongs somewhat afraid to let her guard down without knowing someone has her back. I see her searching and wish I could just plunk her down in a group and let her feel “established” there. But, I can’t do that. She has to find her place and her tribe on her own. And it hurts to watch.
It is no different with me. Try as I might, I cannot fit into the tribe that I am around the most either. I try to accept invitations (when offered), I try to join in on the laughter (when it isn’t an inside joke) and I try to open myself up and not keep them at arms length.
Apparently, I am not very good at it. At not keeping people at arms length. No matter how hard I try. I can’t help but wonder if maybe jumping in the way I did was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I am just a loner and just really put that vibe out there.
Maybe I am incapable of social interaction that lasts longer than a lunch.
Maybe it is the addict in me that doesn’t know how to just let go and get involved.
Or maybe I just really don’t fit in.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I would give anything for my daughter to be happy and for me to figure out the secret to leaving loneliness behind and embracing new friendships. For now, I will do what I always do…the only thing I know to do: Smile and laugh and never let ‘em know it hurts. (Well, that and start looking at places for a fresh start.)
