Have you ever seen one of those “entertainment shows” (term used rather loosely) that take a self-assured, confident, smart, beautiful woman with inner strength who has life by the….horns and watch these shows put this woman (or women) into a suit/costume that is the exact opposite of who they are? You know, where it is a great sociological experiment to put the skinny model in a fat suit or the brilliant Harvard MBA with a high powered career and dress her like a “frumpy housewife” all in the name of “learning how the other half live” for a while? (I’m looking at you Tyra Banks. You, too, 20/20.) Some of these shows- when done to sensationalize how horrible it is to be “the other half”- make me want to smack the ratings grubbing producer and send them into the Brazilian Rain forest without a survival guide. Just for the sociological experiment of course. But that really isn’t the entire point of this. Sometimes- those rare sometimes- it turns out that it isn’t just poor little pretty Britney crying that “OMG, I am so fat! Make it stop!” Sometimes they actually do something that surprises not just the women who are doing this experiment but the people around them.
At first, these women are the same. It doesn’t matter what is on the outside, they are confident and know what is on the inside. They are fully tapped into their authentic selves. And? They are confident nothing and no one can shake that. But after a day, two days, three days, a month…they begin to react not as the woman inside the “costume” but as the woman the rest of the world sees.
The beautiful, skinny model no longer gets the adoring looks and attention she has always known. It causes her to react to the way she is treated- to what people assume she is when they don’t look further. She begins to hold her head down when she is walking, not quite looking anyone in the eye. She is no longer the first to speak up, if she speaks up at all. She hears the rude comments and begins to cry and is truly hurt deep down inside. With her self-esteem at an all time low for her, she feels beaten down and broken.
Or take the brilliant Harvard MBA executive who becomes the old stereo typical stay at home mom who spends her days with her kids or running errands or volunteering somewhere. She begins to be treated as someone who can barely manage a grocery list. Her “mom jeans” and sweater sets are frowned upon and she is rarely taken seriously unless she is talking about household affairs, PTA or Johnny’s latest accomplishment- and then rarely is she truly taken seriously. Surely this frumpy mom couldn’t know anything about the stock market, foreign affairs or politics. I mean, just look at the way she dresses! She doesn’t even wear makeup everyday. She must be “just a mom” and therefore not worthy of the intelligent conversations offered up at business dinners or get-togethers. She belongs on the playground with the “other mommies” and before you know it, she begins to act less self-assured. She buys into the lie that maybe she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. Maybe it is a man’s world and she does belong just on the playground. Her authentic self may be able to command a board room and handle multi-million dollar accounts but when she is treated as less than, she begins to feel less than. She begins to believe that she IS less than.
What happened to these women?
I suppose as a society we are quick to judge what we see and what “truth” we have been told. Take the woman above. A stay at home mom is the “truth” that is told. Her dress is not the most fashionable. She doesn’t look high-powered but perhaps a bit overly tired. Is that who she really is? Is that her authentic self?
Well, yes and no. It is who she feels she is after repeatedly- I mean time and time and time again- being treated in a way that isn’t true to her authentic self. When it comes to the collision of perceived reality and personal reality, sometimes perceived reality wins even for the woman inside the suit who knows better. She knows who she really is. Yet, her heart is broken by the reactions and actions of others based on the way they perceive her to be because of the “truths” they are either told or choose to believe on their own. However, her authentic self is not lost.
After a while, that authentic self fights back. From deep inside the suit, the pain and the reality she has been living– which is not reality at all– become too much for her authentic self to bear and her authentic self begins to emerge and beg to be let out of the suit, out of this experiment. It hurts too much. You may first see it as a fierce look in her eyes. It may come from a retort to a comment that went just a bit too far. Or you may not see her authentic self come out until piece by piece the suit is removed and she has a chance to stretch both her body and her mind, refresh her emotions and feel once again at peace with herself– her real self.
I think that is true of all of us.
At one time or another we step out of our comfort zone and try new things. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s in the trying that matters. Over a year ago I put on a new suit that I truly wanted. It fit like a second skin and I was happy. But bit by bit, piece by piece layers were added to that suit. Some by me and some by others. The more that was put onto that suit the heavier it became. The harder it was to wear and still be my authentic self. There were times the “real me” would scream so loudly to get out but by then the suit was so think, so heavy and attached so strongly, I couldn’t break free. In the Spring I knew it cost me too much personally to continue wearing it. I tried to brutally claw it off to get back to the real me. But let me tell you something. The process of ripping, tearing and clawing at something that is attached to you like a skin just scars you more. You have to go through a process to take it off. Though I was succeeding, I had a long way to go. I made mistakes. I hurt myself, my family and some friends. To those I could offer an olive branch, I did. Some accepting it and everything was put in the past to move forward. To others, the olive branch was thrown down and walked away from. There is and was nothing I could do about other people and how they react and choose to respond. I was working on getting myself back and didn’t have the energy to argue, fight or try to make my side heard. It became counterproductive to what I needed to do and who I truly am.
The beginning of summer I learned about finding the authentic me. I spent a week with people I love who love me. Not only do they support me but they love me in spite of me. During that week, the suit started to melt away in a beautiful and pain-free way. I learned that the ones who love me not only accept me as I am but they expect me to be who I truly am. It was a wonderful time of letting go, healing and getting to know myself again.
But that wasn’t the end. It just doesn’t happen that easily.
In July my family went through a crisis. I think all of us at one time or another (at least once) go through something that so thoroughly, completely and irrevocably changes you. Sometimes it is a wonderful event. Sometimes it is traumatic. But there is a moment, a time in life that you can exactly pinpoint, where everything changes. It doesn’t matter if it is something everyone can see or just those close to you or even something only you know happens. The point is, nothing will ever be the same after that moment. Ever. Things that seemed so painful lose their sting. Things that seemed so important become trivial. Things you thought you would struggle with for a long time to get past are suddenly no longer roadblocks in your mind or heart. You move on. You have to. You are not that person anymore.
I would never wish the events of my summer on anyone. At all. But I am forever grateful that I was able to be where I was needed, go through I needed to go through and come out on the other side the person I am now. Through crisis I mended fences that should never have been put up in the first place and found an amazing friend on the other side. A gift that I wanted, needed and came to accept through a crisis situation. I grew closer to people I love and have a tighter bond with them that nothing in this world can ever loosen. I found strength in myself I honestly didn’t know I had. I found peace in a way I have never known. I learned lessons about life that will forever be with me and keep me strong when I feel broken.
That suit? It completely melted away.
I thought I would find “the old me” underneath waiting to emerge. That didn’t happen. I found a new version– a better version– of the authentic me that I never knew I had the capacity to become. I never want to be the “old me” before my suit wearing days. Ever. A part of her is still with me but what I found when the real me emerged is so phenomenal and strong and at peace that I gladly put the old me in the past and embrace who I have become.
What about you? Are you struggling with a “suit” that doesn’t quite fit anymore? Do you need someone to stand beside you and say, “I believe in YOU and I will be here for you if it hurts to find the real you!”? Let me know. I’ll stand in that gap with you. I’ll hold you hand or your heart and be someone you can know cares. Or have you recently been through something that has brought you to a point where your own “suit” melted away only to find a wonderful new authentic you? Share it with us. Those stories always help us feel connected. Your story, declaration or simple “I’ll stand by you, too” can make a huge difference to someone who may need to hear it….even if you never even know it.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”
When family calls, everything else gets put on hold. See also: No, I Did Not Go To BlogHer.
August 11, 2010
Quick update: I haven’t been home for about 3 weeks. Many of you wonderful readers have send me emails or called to check up in me. One of you smart alecs went as far as to say that silence from me- especially for so long everywhere online- is the sign of end times. Or at least that something is wrong. I am okay. There was a crisis situation in my family. The story is not mine to tell. I’ll just say that there is no where on Earth I would ever be when someone in my family needs me. Ever.
I’ve been asked if I won the Energizer sponsorship. The answer is no. (Go ahead & slap your hand on the desk in frustration. I know you feel I was robbed. It’s okay. I’ll just buy Duracell until we get over it.) However, not winning a contest wasn’t going to keep me from going to NYC. I’ve never missed BlogHer and had no intention of missing this year. Things were lined up, planned and looking good to go. I found ways that would get me there. But you know what? Sometimes life happens.
A family emergency or crisis or whatever you want to call it came up. As much as I love BlogHer and the friends I only see each year and the chance to see the wonderful PR reps I work with throughout the year — as much as I love all of that, I love my family more. Family first. Always! No questions asked.
So the Monday before I was to leave, I had to call my roomie and let her know. (This is where I say that Busy Mom kicks so much coolness ass, it’s off the charts!) I will not lie and say that I was totally cool and knew it wouldn’t even cross my mind that I was not in NYC but I will say with all truthfulness, there absolutely would not be any way to get me away from where I was at that time.
So there you have it. I gave you the brief lowdown on going to BlogHer, then not going to BlogHer and that when someone in your family has a crisis, nothing else in the world matters. Nothing. I would make the same choice again and again every single time if I had to choose between BlogHer or being right where I’ve been with family.
It’s family. Family is what it’s all about, right?
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Next up: So if I didn’t go to NYC and I’ve been out of town, where did I go? Tales of HomeHer ‘10!
When you share a bed with the same person for 20 years, you establish some “unwritten rules” of behavior. For instance, it is not okay for me to wake Clint up to tell him about something I just thought of that was really funny. He will not find it amusing. Another example, it is not okay to wake me up to ask me if I am sleeping or what time I am planning on waking up. Simple things that keep a marriage going strong and prevent one from getting pushed out of bed when one least expects it.
I have a confession to make. One of these rules I break every chance I get.
You see, I have been banned from reading Janet Evanovich books in bed. Especially the Stephanie Plum series. Why Janet Evanovich? Because I “allegedly” wake him up every time I read these books in bed. Okay, I admit to laughing. Out loud. Sometimes I try to hold it in. That just results in me shaking the bed so hard it wakes him up simply because I am laughing so hard and trying not to make a noise so as to not wake him. Or it results in the loud laugh-snort. None of it works. I laugh. Out loud. Every time. Thus, the ban.
So last night I was ready. I came to bed as if everything was normal. I had my water (ahem Diet Coke), my phone and my book.
“Freeze!” He looks at me hard.
“What?” I mutter in my most demure manner.
I was ready. See, I am onto Clint. He knows the release date for the new Evanovich books. He had the nerve to think that I would blatantly bring in a new Plum novel. Ha! You see, I knew he might be looking for it so I did what any rational person in this situation would do. I put a Stuart Woods cover over the book so that it appeared to be a Stuart Woods book and not my forbidden fruit of hilariousness.
“What do you have?”
“Ummm, a drink, my phone and a book.” I held the book up for him to see. He looked doubtful but let it go.
I silently giggle and crawl into bed.
By the third page I am giggling and trying to hold it in. By the second chapter I am laughing out loud and trying to practically bite my pillow to resist.
“Hand it over.”
I jump. I thought he was asleep. “What? Huh? What book?”
He lays there with his hand outstretched waiting for me to hand over my book.
“That is SO unfair!” I pout and hand over the book.
“I cannot believe you thought you could sneak this past me. You know you laugh. You know you wake me up. Did you think your fake cover would work?”
“Well, actually, yes, I did. Let me get this clear: That book right there in your hand is off limits in bed. That book.”
I could see he was wondering where I was going with that. “This book and any of her books-paperback and hardback. One through 16.”
There was victory in his eyes as I rolled over and turned out the light.
As soon as he fell asleep, I reached for my book light & my Kindle. I giggled as I threw the covers over my head and began to read Sizzling Sixteen right where I left off when I handed over my book.
Silly man! He totally should have seen that one coming.
I tried it again tonight. He totally busted me when I started to giggle. I get my Kindle back at daybreak.
Vacation- All I ever wanted! Vacation- Had to get away!
June 24, 2010
I went on vacation and fell in love. Yes, it’s true. I went with expectations of enjoying some time with my family and maybe catching some good beach time but it turns out, I fell in love. Many of you know Clint could not go with me on this trip. It was me and the kids and a total of 23 people in one house. Yet, each morning, I would sneak away to meet my new baby and we would spend a few stolen moments together.
We met here the first morning I was there. I was just relaxing on the beach and he caught my eye.
"Our Spot"
It’s not like I could resist jumping up to see him and meet him. I knew my eagerness would scare him away but it did not. He approached me cautiously but didn’t flee. My heart leaped with joy. In 17 years of vacationing here, this had never happened to me. What I thought was a one time meeting became an every day experience. At the same time every day I would race to the beach to meet him and there he was. Even my son met him face to face. I suppose my only regret is that we missed each other my last day at the beach. Maybe he was too sad. Maybe he knew I would be too sad. Maybe it was the idiot teenagers chasing everything that moved in the water that caused him to stay away. Perhaps it was for the best. Goodbyes are never easy. I tried to get a picture of him one day, but he raced off too quickly.
This is a rendering of him along with a picture that looks very much like he does:
Rendering of my ~Crush~
~Crush Look Alike~
What? Like you never went to the beach and met a sea turtle that you had a crush on and then met up with him every day? Oh, please, it isn’t like that kind of stuff just happens to me. Is it?
But it wasn’t just folicking with sea turtles. Oh, no!
Everyday I spent laughing with people I love, sharing amazing food and spending time relaxing and refocusing. I did a lot of writing. This was the view from my office:
Oh, but it certainly was not all work! Not at all! I spent some wonderful time with these people whom I love:
Who needs poses when you have laughter
I think some of my favorite times were spent with my brother and sister. We always laugh when we are together. Always. Being with them is so good for my soul.
Oh, the tales we could tell on each other!
Of course, I spent time with my amazing children. And, well, you know the tale: Getting two teenage boys to pose for more than a couple of pictures is sheer TORTURE. It is practially downright abusive to them. But, I did get a few. Here is one of my favorites with my and my babies:
Yes, my boys are that much taller than I am!
At the end of the day, there was much to laugh about. Especially for your kids when they knew that you were about to be attacked by a flock of seagulls. And totally not the kind that will sing to you. The kind that absolutely will poop on you.
The Flock of Sea Gulls didn't even sing to me as they flew over!
But at the end of the day we all enjoyed beautiful sunsets together. We knew another perfect day was ending when we saw this:
Another perfect end to a perfect day
Though some of us night owls tended to get back up after the house of 23 was quiet and calm. when we did, we were treated to beautiful sites such as this:
If you were a night owl, you enjoyed nights like this
So, there is a brief glimpse into my vacation. Oh, there are tons more pictures I could share but the time, the bandwidth, the “that is so sucking vacation chill from me” is going to cut it here. (I have many more on Facebook!)
I won’t be quiet. No one should be in this situation.
May 6, 2010
I usually try not to use my blog as a pulpit. I try not to come off as someone who tries to make people think as I do. I tell stories. I am not a motivational speaker or preacher and I don’t use my blog as such. So, since you have been with me (many of you) for years, indulge me as I share something with you. I need to say it. If not for you, than for someone whose heart is open to it.
There are people I love who have been through hell this past week. Good people. For that matter, maybe even some bad people, too. Who they are doesn’t matter. They are people. Many are suffering. Many are in situations that are unfathomable to you as you sit in the comfort of your home cruising the Internet. Situations that should bring a tear to your eye or at the very least make you see that there is a world out there so much bigger than your tiny circle that you deal with on a daily basis. People whose problems are bigger than many of yours. Most definitely that are much bigger than anything in my life, that is for damn sure!
This is Nashville:
Look at it. Watch it. And when you do, don’t ignore it. What if it was your town? What if you were stranded without power for days and couldn’t get out or get supplies? What if your neighbor or your friend was missing and you knew that it has become a “recovery mission” and not a “rescue mission” now? Ask yourself whether or not the little annoyances matter in the grand scheme of things. As people have lost everything, ask yourself if the situations you are in- whether by choice or circumstance- are nearly as devastating or nearly as important as the ones these people are facing right now. Or if maybe, just maybe, you personally could use some of your own passionate nature (and I know my readers…they are passionate) to better use for these people. When you complain about having to deal with difficult people at work, be thankful you can go to work and then have a home to come back to at the end of the day. A home that is not under water. A home that is not devastated. A home where you have not lost everything.
I am not saying your problems are not real. They are real. Your struggles and grievances are just as valid. And, yes, they do matter. But for the love of all things human, LOOK at what people are dealing with right now. Look at their problems. Look at the real devastation in their lives and ask yourself: If I refocused my energies on the people of Nashville who need it, would that be a better use of passion, my prayers and my time than whatever it is I am currently focused on?
This flood hits my heart hard. I have people I have come to love that live there. I have friends who have been blessed enough to only endure a lack of power and friends who have seen complete devastation. THIS is what matters right now to me. And, you know what? THIS is where I choose to focus my energy, my attention and my heart. The silly little bullshit that goes on in day to day life that no one truly cares about and won’t even remember a year from now? I Do. Not. Care. About. That. Not when people I love face a situation such as this. My attention is where it needs to be and should be.
I care about these people who need it. I care about the loss of lives. I care about the people who are mourning the deaths of neighbors and praying that they can have something…anything… of their lives to salvage.
People I love are in need of my attention. And that? That is where I am focused because that is what matters in my heart.
And I would hope it would matter to others as well. Get out of your bubble and give your attention to people who need it. Isn’t that what humanity, compassion and “the greater good” really are about?
