It doesn’t take Oprah to find your authentic self
September 1, 2010
Have you ever seen one of those “entertainment shows” (term used rather loosely) that take a self-assured, confident, smart, beautiful woman with inner strength who has life by the….horns and watch these shows put this woman (or women) into a suit/costume that is the exact opposite of who they are? You know, where it is a great sociological experiment to put the skinny model in a fat suit or the brilliant Harvard MBA with a high powered career and dress her like a “frumpy housewife” all in the name of “learning how the other half live” for a while? (I’m looking at you Tyra Banks. You, too, 20/20.) Some of these shows- when done to sensationalize how horrible it is to be “the other half”- make me want to smack the ratings grubbing producer and send them into the Brazilian Rain forest without a survival guide. Just for the sociological experiment of course. But that really isn’t the entire point of this. Sometimes- those rare sometimes- it turns out that it isn’t just poor little pretty Britney crying that “OMG, I am so fat! Make it stop!” Sometimes they actually do something that surprises not just the women who are doing this experiment but the people around them.
At first, these women are the same. It doesn’t matter what is on the outside, they are confident and know what is on the inside. They are fully tapped into their authentic selves. And? They are confident nothing and no one can shake that. But after a day, two days, three days, a month…they begin to react not as the woman inside the “costume” but as the woman the rest of the world sees.
The beautiful, skinny model no longer gets the adoring looks and attention she has always known. It causes her to react to the way she is treated- to what people assume she is when they don’t look further. She begins to hold her head down when she is walking, not quite looking anyone in the eye. She is no longer the first to speak up, if she speaks up at all. She hears the rude comments and begins to cry and is truly hurt deep down inside. With her self-esteem at an all time low for her, she feels beaten down and broken.
Or take the brilliant Harvard MBA executive who becomes the old stereo typical stay at home mom who spends her days with her kids or running errands or volunteering somewhere. She begins to be treated as someone who can barely manage a grocery list. Her “mom jeans” and sweater sets are frowned upon and she is rarely taken seriously unless she is talking about household affairs, PTA or Johnny’s latest accomplishment- and then rarely is she truly taken seriously. Surely this frumpy mom couldn’t know anything about the stock market, foreign affairs or politics. I mean, just look at the way she dresses! She doesn’t even wear makeup everyday. She must be “just a mom” and therefore not worthy of the intelligent conversations offered up at business dinners or get-togethers. She belongs on the playground with the “other mommies” and before you know it, she begins to act less self-assured. She buys into the lie that maybe she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. Maybe it is a man’s world and she does belong just on the playground. Her authentic self may be able to command a board room and handle multi-million dollar accounts but when she is treated as less than, she begins to feel less than. She begins to believe that she IS less than.
What happened to these women?
I suppose as a society we are quick to judge what we see and what “truth” we have been told. Take the woman above. A stay at home mom is the “truth” that is told. Her dress is not the most fashionable. She doesn’t look high-powered but perhaps a bit overly tired. Is that who she really is? Is that her authentic self?
Well, yes and no. It is who she feels she is after repeatedly- I mean time and time and time again- being treated in a way that isn’t true to her authentic self. When it comes to the collision of perceived reality and personal reality, sometimes perceived reality wins even for the woman inside the suit who knows better. She knows who she really is. Yet, her heart is broken by the reactions and actions of others based on the way they perceive her to be because of the “truths” they are either told or choose to believe on their own. However, her authentic self is not lost.
After a while, that authentic self fights back. From deep inside the suit, the pain and the reality she has been living– which is not reality at all– become too much for her authentic self to bear and her authentic self begins to emerge and beg to be let out of the suit, out of this experiment. It hurts too much. You may first see it as a fierce look in her eyes. It may come from a retort to a comment that went just a bit too far. Or you may not see her authentic self come out until piece by piece the suit is removed and she has a chance to stretch both her body and her mind, refresh her emotions and feel once again at peace with herself– her real self.
I think that is true of all of us.
At one time or another we step out of our comfort zone and try new things. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s in the trying that matters. Over a year ago I put on a new suit that I truly wanted. It fit like a second skin and I was happy. But bit by bit, piece by piece layers were added to that suit. Some by me and some by others. The more that was put onto that suit the heavier it became. The harder it was to wear and still be my authentic self. There were times the “real me” would scream so loudly to get out but by then the suit was so think, so heavy and attached so strongly, I couldn’t break free. In the Spring I knew it cost me too much personally to continue wearing it. I tried to brutally claw it off to get back to the real me. But let me tell you something. The process of ripping, tearing and clawing at something that is attached to you like a skin just scars you more. You have to go through a process to take it off. Though I was succeeding, I had a long way to go. I made mistakes. I hurt myself, my family and some friends. To those I could offer an olive branch, I did. Some accepting it and everything was put in the past to move forward. To others, the olive branch was thrown down and walked away from. There is and was nothing I could do about other people and how they react and choose to respond. I was working on getting myself back and didn’t have the energy to argue, fight or try to make my side heard. It became counterproductive to what I needed to do and who I truly am.
The beginning of summer I learned about finding the authentic me. I spent a week with people I love who love me. Not only do they support me but they love me in spite of me. During that week, the suit started to melt away in a beautiful and pain-free way. I learned that the ones who love me not only accept me as I am but they expect me to be who I truly am. It was a wonderful time of letting go, healing and getting to know myself again.
But that wasn’t the end. It just doesn’t happen that easily.
In July my family went through a crisis. I think all of us at one time or another (at least once) go through something that so thoroughly, completely and irrevocably changes you. Sometimes it is a wonderful event. Sometimes it is traumatic. But there is a moment, a time in life that you can exactly pinpoint, where everything changes. It doesn’t matter if it is something everyone can see or just those close to you or even something only you know happens. The point is, nothing will ever be the same after that moment. Ever. Things that seemed so painful lose their sting. Things that seemed so important become trivial. Things you thought you would struggle with for a long time to get past are suddenly no longer roadblocks in your mind or heart. You move on. You have to. You are not that person anymore.
I would never wish the events of my summer on anyone. At all. But I am forever grateful that I was able to be where I was needed, go through I needed to go through and come out on the other side the person I am now. Through crisis I mended fences that should never have been put up in the first place and found an amazing friend on the other side. A gift that I wanted, needed and came to accept through a crisis situation. I grew closer to people I love and have a tighter bond with them that nothing in this world can ever loosen. I found strength in myself I honestly didn’t know I had. I found peace in a way I have never known. I learned lessons about life that will forever be with me and keep me strong when I feel broken.
That suit? It completely melted away.
I thought I would find “the old me” underneath waiting to emerge. That didn’t happen. I found a new version– a better version– of the authentic me that I never knew I had the capacity to become. I never want to be the “old me” before my suit wearing days. Ever. A part of her is still with me but what I found when the real me emerged is so phenomenal and strong and at peace that I gladly put the old me in the past and embrace who I have become.
What about you? Are you struggling with a “suit” that doesn’t quite fit anymore? Do you need someone to stand beside you and say, “I believe in YOU and I will be here for you if it hurts to find the real you!”? Let me know. I’ll stand in that gap with you. I’ll hold you hand or your heart and be someone you can know cares. Or have you recently been through something that has brought you to a point where your own “suit” melted away only to find a wonderful new authentic you? Share it with us. Those stories always help us feel connected. Your story, declaration or simple “I’ll stand by you, too” can make a huge difference to someone who may need to hear it….even if you never even know it.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”
Posted by Jenn @
6:47 am |
When family calls, everything else gets put on hold. See also: No, I Did Not Go To BlogHer.
August 11, 2010
Quick update: I haven’t been home for about 3 weeks. Many of you wonderful readers have send me emails or called to check up in me. One of you smart alecs went as far as to say that silence from me- especially for so long everywhere online- is the sign of end times. Or at least that something is wrong. I am okay. There was a crisis situation in my family. The story is not mine to tell. I’ll just say that there is no where on Earth I would ever be when someone in my family needs me. Ever.
I’ve been asked if I won the Energizer sponsorship. The answer is no. (Go ahead & slap your hand on the desk in frustration. I know you feel I was robbed. It’s okay. I’ll just buy Duracell until we get over it.) However, not winning a contest wasn’t going to keep me from going to NYC. I’ve never missed BlogHer and had no intention of missing this year. Things were lined up, planned and looking good to go. I found ways that would get me there. But you know what? Sometimes life happens.
A family emergency or crisis or whatever you want to call it came up. As much as I love BlogHer and the friends I only see each year and the chance to see the wonderful PR reps I work with throughout the year — as much as I love all of that, I love my family more. Family first. Always! No questions asked.
So the Monday before I was to leave, I had to call my roomie and let her know. (This is where I say that Busy Mom kicks so much coolness ass, it’s off the charts!) I will not lie and say that I was totally cool and knew it wouldn’t even cross my mind that I was not in NYC but I will say with all truthfulness, there absolutely would not be any way to get me away from where I was at that time.
So there you have it. I gave you the brief lowdown on going to BlogHer, then not going to BlogHer and that when someone in your family has a crisis, nothing else in the world matters. Nothing. I would make the same choice again and again every single time if I had to choose between BlogHer or being right where I’ve been with family.
It’s family. Family is what it’s all about, right?
—
Next up: So if I didn’t go to NYC and I’ve been out of town, where did I go? Tales of HomeHer ‘10!
Posted by Jenn @
5:25 pm |
Because my life needs a ChargHER more than ever before and I think Energizer & Barefoot Mommies can do it!
July 19, 2010
Hello.
Did I have you at hello?
I know my posts have been a bit sparse lately. But I had to bring to you a matter of national importance. Okay, not national but local. Okay, not local but it is important to me. Does that count? Of course it does. Help me, help you. Well, really, it would just be you helping me in this case but then in return I could totally help you. Really! I promise on a stack of stupid, dead batteries because that is all I have in my house right now.
Let me start this begging post by saying I have never missed a BlogHer. I was there when it was tiny and we could all fit into one restaurant and have seen it grow to thousands in just a matter of years. That is the power of women and the Interwebs, people. When we want something, we get all charged up about it! (See what I did there?) The truth of the matter is that finances have totally sucked the ever living life out of us these past few months. Though I registered for BlogHer waaaaayyyyy back in…well, before it sold out is all I remember…. I am looking at the real possibility of not being able to attend. (You should be hearing the weeping, moaning and the violins about now.)
You see, the old school blogger in me was all like “Sponsors? How do you do that?” and the trying-to-stay-hip blogger was all like “Yeah, man, you can actually ask people to send you and they will help pay AND you get to be their spokesperson like Billy Mayes only more-so and alive.” The old school blogger is still all, “Whoa.”
Then I read about Barefoot Mommies and Energizer giving away a scholarship for BlogHer. Not just a little scholarship but a big honkin’ $2000 scholarship to TWO bloggers. The old school blogger in me just flat out fainted. The trying-to-stay-hip blogger was all “Try it you old fart! It is your only shot at going at this point!” So in the spirit of explaining why I should be the one to be chosen over ever other person flooding Twitter with begs, I shall explain why I am a super Energizer ChargHER BlogHer blogger choice. (Besides the fact I can say that out loud without my brain exploding.)
You see, at the first BlogHer, I (along with two other amazing bloggers) was able to charge up a room (See what I did there again?) of people about the most dreaded topic of ‘05: Mommybloggers. Oh, yes, we were the bottom of the foodchain, the pondscum of the blogs, the….well, you get it. Yes, I along with my panelists let the battle cry charge for respect for the Mom(my) Blogger. Now, PR professionals and marketing reps are coming to us. To pay. For us. To go. To BlogHer. I’d like to think I had a hand in that. (Of course, Al Gore think he invented the Internet so….)
Energy? Oh, I have energy but could always use a charge. But even alone, I can hug a statue to life. It’s true. Look:
I can hug a statue to life!
But it isn’t just energy I can bring to the table, I can bring great networking skills. Mad networking skillz. In fact, I am not above jumping into a hot tub fully clothed to meet someone and tell them all about whatever it is I want to because face it, when you see someone plummeting towards you in a hot tub, you tend to listen.
Hot Tub Networking
But those can be the easy talks. You have a captive audience while in a hot tub or talking to an inanimate statue. They tend to listen. However, when I am all charged up (like the Energizer® Recharge Smart™ Charger) I will go into battle for the message and not be afraid to come out beaten and bruised to make my point. Just look at the battle scars I am willing to endure for a cause. (Of course, I would never cause this to anyone to share my message or give away a USB charger. I am too nice for something like that!)
I can take a hit and still keep on going and going and going....
My point is this: If you really want someone with SUPER high energy to tell people about the Energizer® Recharge Smart™ Charger, I am totally your girl! People think that it is the coffee that makes me so high energy. Well, there is some truth to that and the Diet Coke, but mainly, I just love people. Meeting people. Seeing old friends. Talking about things I am passionate about- well, actually talking about everything.
So why am I a good fit for this scholarship/Gift from the Energizer gods above? Well, let’s just compare, shall we?
The Energizer® Recharge Smart™ Charger features a large LCD screen with a countdown clock displaying remaining charging time and a fuel gauge indicating the current level of power in the inserted NiMH rechargeable batteries. It also features a slow charge rate, which extends the number of battery life cycles.
Me? Well, I don’t have a large LCD screen with a countdown clock but I have a big mouth that can share information. (Maybe I should look into getting one of those LCD screens with a countdown to warn people when my batteries are low, too.) I do have fuel gage but it isn’t one you can see. It is more like one you can sense when my energy is down. It is then you know it is time to recharge the Jenn. I, too, have a slow recharge to last longer. (A nap.) Or a quick charger. (Diet Coke or coffee.)
The Energizer® Recharge Smart™ Charger features and a bad battery alert that automatically indicates if the batteries are no longer useful or if a disposable battery has been inserted by mistake.
Oh, honey, if you know me, you know that I can automatically detect a bad battery (or in my case a bad cup of coffee) when trying to recharge. I can also tell if someone has tried to slip me another diet soda that is not Diet Coke and that just doesn’t work with me. Much like a dead battery won’t work for my toys.
I am meant to be combined with this amazing product. I have 3 kids. We go through batteries almost as fast as we go through toilet paper. Every grocery shopping list always has batteries on it. (Of course, I usually forget to get them, but that is a totally different story!) I know batteries. I know how frustrating it is when batteries die or you think you hit the jackpot with a new battery only to find that some rude kid in the house put a BAD battery back into the junk drawer. (What? You have a just drawer, too!) Energizer Recharge Smart Charger & I are meant to be together. We have so much in common! And? I have tried other ways to recharge batteries my own way. Let me just be the first to tell you that dunking a battery into a cup of coffee to give it a charge (like I get from coffee) just doesn’t work. Don’t try that at home, kids. The Energizer people have a way better method than I do, for sure!
This is the Energizer Recharge Smart Charger
This is Jenn Recharging
See? We even color coordinate! We are the perfect match!
The bottom line is this: I want to go to BlogHer so much it hurts. I have never missed and the thought of missing this year breaks my heart. (When less than a dozen people have ever missed and it would be awesomely cool to keep this track record going to support BlogHer and continue to be an active part of this conference.) This is my one shot left. I do hope I am chosen as a Energizer Smart ChargHER ! You know you want me. I know I want you. Let’s make it official and join us in a union that just may be illegal in at least 38 states but I am willing to risk it to be paired up for BlogHer with Energizer. I am a risk taker, people.
Because let’s face it, after the year I have had, I so desperately need a rechargHER in my life.
(This is where the dramatic yet poignant music plays that tugs at your heart strings after making you laugh and tells your heart and your head to pick me! So you do.)
See you at BlogHer10. Right? I’ll be the one in the Energizer shirt. (I hope!)
(more…)
Posted by Jenn @
6:03 pm |
Misbehaving, plotting & sneaking my Plum
June 26, 2010
When you share a bed with the same person for 20 years, you establish some “unwritten rules” of behavior. For instance, it is not okay for me to wake Clint up to tell him about something I just thought of that was really funny. He will not find it amusing. Another example, it is not okay to wake me up to ask me if I am sleeping or what time I am planning on waking up. Simple things that keep a marriage going strong and prevent one from getting pushed out of bed when one least expects it.
I have a confession to make. One of these rules I break every chance I get.
You see, I have been banned from reading Janet Evanovich books in bed. Especially the Stephanie Plum series. Why Janet Evanovich? Because I “allegedly” wake him up every time I read these books in bed. Okay, I admit to laughing. Out loud. Sometimes I try to hold it in. That just results in me shaking the bed so hard it wakes him up simply because I am laughing so hard and trying not to make a noise so as to not wake him. Or it results in the loud laugh-snort. None of it works. I laugh. Out loud. Every time. Thus, the ban.
So last night I was ready. I came to bed as if everything was normal. I had my water (ahem Diet Coke), my phone and my book.
“Freeze!” He looks at me hard.
“What?” I mutter in my most demure manner.
I was ready. See, I am onto Clint. He knows the release date for the new Evanovich books. He had the nerve to think that I would blatantly bring in a new Plum novel. Ha! You see, I knew he might be looking for it so I did what any rational person in this situation would do. I put a Stuart Woods cover over the book so that it appeared to be a Stuart Woods book and not my forbidden fruit of hilariousness.
“What do you have?”
“Ummm, a drink, my phone and a book.” I held the book up for him to see. He looked doubtful but let it go.
I silently giggle and crawl into bed.
By the third page I am giggling and trying to hold it in. By the second chapter I am laughing out loud and trying to practically bite my pillow to resist.
“Hand it over.”
I jump. I thought he was asleep. “What? Huh? What book?”
He lays there with his hand outstretched waiting for me to hand over my book.
“That is SO unfair!” I pout and hand over the book.
“I cannot believe you thought you could sneak this past me. You know you laugh. You know you wake me up. Did you think your fake cover would work?”
“Well, actually, yes, I did. Let me get this clear: That book right there in your hand is off limits in bed. That book.”
I could see he was wondering where I was going with that. “This book and any of her books-paperback and hardback. One through 16.”
There was victory in his eyes as I rolled over and turned out the light.
As soon as he fell asleep, I reached for my book light & my Kindle. I giggled as I threw the covers over my head and began to read Sizzling Sixteen right where I left off when I handed over my book.
Silly man! He totally should have seen that one coming.
I tried it again tonight. He totally busted me when I started to giggle. I get my Kindle back at daybreak.
Good thing I have Kindle app for the iPhone!
Posted by Jenn @
11:27 pm |
