Jenn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
March 5, 2008
Ever have one of those days. You know. Those days. The kind where you want to hermit yourself and stay away from anyone and anything? If by chance you do come across another human being you will most likely snap at them or (worse yet) cry?
Nothing could go right today.
I was sad.
I was depressed.
I was hurting.
I was angry.
I was so very lonely yet wanted didn’t want to be with anyone.
Nothing made sense.
I couldn’t sit still but didn’t want to do anything.
I didn’t want to talk but I really wanted someone to listen.
I needed to write but didn’t want to say anything worthwhile.
I wanted to reach out but wanted to be left alone.
I looked at my husband and begged him pathetically through my tears, “Please just help me to not feel things so deeply! I hate it so much. Please. Please I just don’t want to feel.”
None of this made sense to me. Why? I was either crying or angry today. And then I looked at the calendar and it all made sense. It is the experience of being a dry drunk. (Or in my case, a drug-free druggie.) Climbing the walls for an invisible fix that I haven’t had for years. Acting out like a user but not using. It’s the timing.
So I am going with it. I am feeling what I feel. I am riding the wave. I am living it as it comes yet not letting it take me down. Today I will cry if I need to. Laugh when I feel it. Be alone when I need to be. And forgive myself for not reaching out when I so desperately needed to reach out.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow will be better. Experience tells me tomorrow will be good.
It is today that I feel unworthy and risk throwing it all away. And you have no idea how close I came. I am just in that bad of a place tonight.
Tonight I think I am going to go to bed and cry. Because I need to. Because I hate being where I am and know I need to not let it simmer inside. I am going to be angry, hurt and sad. But just for today.
Tomorrow I will share with you the Wonderful, Awesome, So Good, Very Big Day. And why I know it will be a good day.
But tonight, I’m gonna cry.
Posted by Jenn @ 9:35 pm
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Here’s hoping tomorrow is better, luv.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:59 pmI’ve got just the thing for you, Jenn:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHrwcQrY-JM
Kalynne Pudner’s last blog post..Requiescat in pace, Lauren
March 5th, 2008 at 10:06 pmOh sweetie - it’s contagious! I blogged it too but I have a name for mine.
You could have called me - I was already throwing a pity party! xoxo
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..It’s NEVER Enough, and Then You DIE
March 5th, 2008 at 10:49 pmYour due for a pendulum swing. BY the way I might need a professional mommy blogger. Know of any?
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March 5th, 2008 at 11:19 pmYou are a good woman, Jenn.
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March 5th, 2008 at 11:22 pmThanks for this, Jenn - it was a similar experience in my world today. Helped to know someone was walking the walk out there as well.
Laurie’s last blog post..Seven things that made today suck less than some days that start off with an insane person yelling at me for no reason
March 6th, 2008 at 12:36 amWow, I just whinged and whined on my blog.
But you win.
Mine was just a sucky day. Yours, shit. Hugs to you my lovely.
Kelley’s last blog post..Randomness on drugs
March 6th, 2008 at 5:24 amsome days life is just too much with us. hope today is better.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:32 amTomorrow is always better. Hang tough, girl!
Headless Mom’s last blog post..Doesn’t Everyone Blog about Feet?
March 6th, 2008 at 9:27 amI certainly hope today is going better.
Busy Mom’s last blog post..Let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel
March 6th, 2008 at 10:56 amTo say it is hard to have those days is an understatement. But I have them, too, and know that I just have to get through it and hope that I don’t cry too much. Big hugs coming your way.
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March 6th, 2008 at 11:11 amTo say the least I am having a similar day, I think I could use about a 3 hour massage.
I have been contemplating a bath, a hike, a run, a noon yoga class, but I just cannot. I suppose my 2 pm dental appointment won;t solve anything either.
It will be better tomorrow.
Brigid’s last blog post..The Hawk’sTree.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:48 amThis is what I love about you - you keep digging until you figure it out! Congrats to you, not just for figuring it out, but on being dry.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:45 pm{{{{hugs}}}} I wish I could offer you more than virtual hugs. Please accept my best wishes and positive thoughts.
Daisy’s last blog post..No-Good Very Bad Days can happen to anyone.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:25 pmAh, Jen, I must have been something in the water, you post title looks much like mine. Hope the next day was better indeed.
Amanda’s last blog post..My No Good, Very Bad Day.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:15 amHi,
I just came across your blog via technorati. I read this post and recalled the amount of times I’ve had this exact same conversation, blubbering in full effect, with my partner, with myself, on my blog.
Oddly enough, I don’t drink or do drugs…at least not enough to warrant any meeting. What I usually end up coming to a realization about is the fact that I’m a sensitive. I feel. I was born feeling in a world where feelings just aren’t allowed to blossom with such fullness.
People are encouraged to blunt their full feelings in all sorts of different ways. When you write about recovery I’m so happy for you. Congratulations.
I know I’m mucking this up, because I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with other sensitive people who are in recovery.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think coming into recovery caused your sensitivity. I believe you were a sensitive person who had no support to be as feeling as you were/are who tried to take refuge in addiction. I think the addiction, whatever substances you chose were a mask that offered a hiding space from self, from a highly emotional beautiful self.
The reason I’m offering this is that although I’m not in recovery, don’t do drugs, don’t drink anything but the occasional glass of pink wine…every few months, I recognized what you wrote.
My piece is that I often struggle with wanting to be put on psychiatric medication that would “help” me dull the feelings, dull the intuition, dull the pain of feeling so different than most of the people I encounter who seem to have much less powerful connections to their feelings.
Everyday I resist and insist on having all of what comes. I listen to it. I refer to them as my voices, even though they aren’t voices per se. It’s just that what I feel speaks to me so clearly even when it hurts, that I feel as if I have a multitude of voices having conversation with me, giving me input, advice.
When I listen to them things go better for me. I write and speak from a feeling place that offers me some solace, some healing. When I speak to people I care for from this place, speak to people who listen to their own feelings and intuitions I have a sense of powerful communion with like minded others, no matter how messy or difficult the connection can be.
hmmm…
This is me saying thanks for posting this. It was recognized by me and much appreciated.
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March 11th, 2008 at 7:00 amLove this post!
March 11th, 2008 at 9:30 am