Motherhood– The Job Where Success is Doing Less and Your Promotion is Being “Let Go”
January 11, 2008
One of the often muttered phrases by Moms everywhere– because of the deep truth in it– is the phrase “They grow up so fast!” I heard it from my Mom. I was told this by other Moms. And, yes, I have even said the words myself. They do grow up so fast. From newborns to toddlers. From grade school to high school. From high school to college and beyond. Before you know it, the little baby they placed in your arms has become his or her own person. As unique and individual as a fingerprint. Therein lies the joy and bittersweet love of motherhood.
My oldest son is 6′1″ and I now have to stand on my tippy toes to hug him. It is a strange feeling to look up when speaking to your own child. Bewilderment and pride are a common emotional cocktail served up while watching our children grow. My younger son has just reached 5′3″ and I realize it won’t be long before he, too, is taller than I am and I am reaching up to kiss a cheek. Blessedly, my daughter is only 6 years old and I can still curl her up on my lap and plant kisses all over her cheeks. I know that before long she, too, will stretch her wings a bit more and want more independence, but for now, we have a pretty good thing going.
I suppose as the anniversary of my own mother’s death approached, I became a bit melancholy and sentimental. The new year has brought changes both welcome and not as much welcome as necessary. My work on my book and my column have been amazing as some blogging has been slower. Though work has taken up a lot of my time as I race into this new year, my main job–the job that matters the most to me– is being a Mom. And that job evolves, grows and reinvents itself daily. I thought it was just my own circumstances that had me looking at my motherhood job and the daily changes that come with it in such a sentimental way, until I began to look to other Mom Blogs.
At Musings of a Housewife, dcrmom shares with us what it feels like to suddenly realize that this parenting gig can get a bit tough as our children age. Both tough in the reality of their lives as well as tough on Moms emotionally.
But now there’s a “big kid” living in my house. All of the sudden, the baby I nursed and rocked and sang to and potty trained thinks he knows more than his father and I do. And he remembers everything. If I mess this up, he could hold it against me forever.
I am no longer his whole world. These days he often values a laugh out of his friend over an approving smile from me. Sometimes he talks to me like I’m more of a peer than a parent. One moment he is sweet and affectionate, and the next he is sullen and remote.
I still love him more than my own life. I always have and I always will. But he’s not totally mine anymore. He’s becoming his own person.
That one phrase “…not totally mine anymore” really stuck with me. It is when they become their own person with their own wants, friends, jokes and ideas that are completely separate from ours–and at times contrary to ours– that we realize we are entering a new phase in parenting where the map has yet to be drawn… No matter how many books you have read about child rearing.
As I thought about the challenges of mothering, learning as I go as well as learning to let go, I read the words of Anna at the blog The End of Motherhood? as she wrote about one of my most cherished times in mothering. The night-time tuck-in. This is what she has to say about this
particular aspect of parenting.
Throughout his seventeen years and vastly more sleepovers, he has always, always, always been the first to fall asleep. He was lying on his side, his arm bent for a pillow. I had the most powerful urge to gently shake his shoulder, wake him up and tell him he should go sleep in his cozy bed. How many times have I done that before? Had him push himself groggily to standing and, leaning heavily on my shoulder, stagger into the warmth of his bed? But as I leaned down to touch his shoulder, it occurred to me that my 6’ 4” seventeen year old might be a tad embarrassed to be shuffled off to bed by his mother in front of his still partying friends.
And there it was: an opportunity to Mother less.
She goes on to say:
Putting your children to bed it one of the bass notes of mothering.
I thought back on all the routines we have had about bedtime. The baths. The nursing. The books. The songs. The crables. The pulling up of covers. The kissing of cheeks. The leaving the door open just a bit so the light shines in.
And so I realized in the middle watches of the night that putting my children to bed feels like love to me. That is why it was so hard not to do.
Yes! That is exactly why so many of the rituals that they outgrow are harder on us as mothers than they are on our children. To us it feels like love. To not do it? Well, sometimes it just hurts.
Because if I wet my pants laughing, you should, too
January 10, 2008
Okay, I did first see this on Ellen and then proceeded to laugh until I cried. I may have even wet my pants a little. My kids, however, looked at me as if I had lost my mind. Seriously? I mean who doesn’t see the humor in this? They really didn’t think it was funny. (If you don’t, I would ask why, but my bigger question would have to be…are you okay?) However, when I went to YouTube to find it, I realized due to time restraints, Ellen only showed the blue team competing. This shows both teams in this fierce battle to snag the winning marshmallow.
Cannot. Watch. Anymore. I still laugh and cry each time.
Funny? Not funny? Seriously funny.
The tongue guy on the blue team? Chasing the marshmallow? I have no idea what is going on, but adding my own commentary to the action makes it even funnier. But then again, I like to add my own dialogue on Kung Fu movies as well. And especially like doing that on Ninja Warrior. (Here is a sample of the excitement that IS Ninja Warrior.) Why? Because I am easily amused!
There you have it. My dark secret. I add my own verbal subtitles to shows that are not in English. Because I can.
Have you seen the sites You Knit What and You Knit What 2? Crafters? Knitters? People who like to mock others who wear hideous hand made clothes?
Because if you like to mock the hideous, you will love this. Am I crafty? No. Can I even think about knitting anything? Not so much. Did I have a blast mocking these things with the women who write this site? Abso-freakin-lutely!!
This is just a sample of what you will be getting:
Edited to add:
How can I not add this when I have a DoberButt living here in my very own house? Oh, I am SO going to have to knit find someone who knits to make this one for him! And yes…in pink because he needs to be brought down a level or two.
If I hear one more woman say or read one more woman write that we “as women” need to vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman and it is about time “to have a woman in office”, I am going to burn my bra and mail it to them. I am just as offended by any woman saying that they would vote for a person based on gender as I am a man saying do not vote for Hillary because she is a woman. Would it be good to have a woman in office? Of course. History making. Will I base a vote on GENDER alone? Hell no!
Is that how we want to vote? Seriously? Then, let’s just take all of the names off of the ballot. We shall vote Penis or NO Penis. (Dangling Chad or No Dangling Chad)
My point, any person– male or female– who would base a vote for the President of the United States based on gender (or race or looks or anything that has nothing to do with issues) really needs to re-evaluate their reasons for voting at all.
I am not Hillary bashing here. I am “Woman Power Hear Me Roar Without Looking at What Issues Are Important To ME but At Gender Alone” bashing. If Hillary stands on the issues where you would like your next president to stand, vote for her. If not, take that damn gender card and throw it out and vote for the candidate that YOU are most aligned with when it comes to ISSUES.
Vote for the issues, people. Not the Penis (or lack thereof). I work with many Democratic, liberal feminists who are very intelligent and well spoken. I have even heard a few of them say they would/should vote for Hillary in order to get a woman into office. I sincerely hope I am missing the part of that where they add….”because I agree with her on her politics.”
I don’t get into politics here on this blog. I don’t want to argue them. I am more angry about the fact that I am hearing intelligent women saying things that shock me. I am not a political blogger or a political expert. In fact, I can honestly tell you that I have no idea exactly whose ring I am throwing my hat into right now. Given a choice and having to make that decision RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I know who I would lean towards, but that is my decision. And guess what? I am basing it on the issues that are important to me. Not on woman power. (Hear me gag.)
I have no idea how to follow a sentence like that.
I was awake and saw the clock flip from 3:05am to 3:06am. The “official” moment she left this world. It was a bizarre feeling. I cried. I smiled at thoughts of her. I wandered the house. Not really wanting to sleep but not really wanting to do anything else either.
I have gone through every emotion and questioned so much since she died. I have tried to figure out how one goes about living life without a mom and what the secret is to actually accomplishing that successfully.
I miss her. I started to ask myself what I would say to her if we could talk. Something tells me she would do most of the talking at first. I know the life I have “lived” the past two years has been…well, disappointing. She always told me she could never, ever be disappointed in me. I believe her. But I have been disappointed in me. It isn’t all bad. I have learned. I have changed. I have grown and I have regressed. I have learned to say no when it is right and yes when I should try something new and scary. I have also learned that sometimes when you take a rough, tough piece of coal and apply an immense amount of pressure, sometimes it just stays coal. Which isn’t all bad. That, too, has purpose.
Last year I had things to say. Thoughts to share. Now, I am in a different place. A place of pondering and re-evaluation. This year, I am sad, introspective and feel lonely. But there was a strange new feeling, too. I felt something almost like freedom. No, that is not right. Not freedom so much as something lifted from my spirit. I suppose you could say it felt similar to getting permission to move forward.
I have lost so much these past two years. But I have gained a lot as well. The feeling I felt was as if I was giving myself permission to live again.
I will always, always….until I draw my own final breath…miss my Mom. She was my best friend. She was amazing. She was funny, full of life and the perfect person to be my mother. We fit. We were exactly what we both had in mind when it came to a mother/daughter relationship. I will not stop missing her. I will never get over the empty feeling that something hugely important in my life is missing. But I will move forward. I will give myself permission to move forward.
Because of who she was and how she raised me, I am taking her with me. In my laughter. In my sense of humor. In my ability to laugh at situations where it may be hard to find any humor. Because sometimes that is what you and everyone around you needs. She is with me. Always with me.
After wandering my home, I checked on the kids as they slept. When I looked in on my daughter, the dam of tears broke free. There is something about your own children that gives you both strength as well as weaknesses. There was my daughter. A little girl who needs me as much as I needed my Mom. A little girl who I want to look at me as I looked at my Mom. To love me in the unique way I love my Mom.
With tears streaming down my face, I crawled onto her bed beside her and drew her into my arms and just held her as she slept. Her sweet little girl breath softly tickling my neck as she lay dreaming.
I felt the complete circle. Mom passing the torch. And somehow– for the first time in two years– something inside me began to feel healing as I took the torch that was passed to me and vow to honor all it stands for.
If your ears bled on Friday, I apologize on behalf of my daughter and her SQUEALS.
January 5, 2008
Last night, my daughter had her first sleep over with her best friend here at our home. I have been used to boys. Loud. Stinky. Rough housing boys. I have been trained to barely look up from what I am doing to bellow out a “Not so rough, boys!” or “Don’t play ball in the house!” (Yes, I do quote Carol Brady from time to time. And you?) I know that they will be loud and rough. Breakables are relocated etc. Food fully stocked, restocked and stashed because boys? They eat. A lot.
But this girl thing? Totally different.
There were movies with boys who “are so cute” and I was asked to “watch us sing and dance.” Performances. My brain could not compute this strange new world. I never had to bellow “Not so rough!” There was not a time where I came into the room and quivered in fear and shuddered over the strange and horrible aroma that permeated the room.
But there is something you moms did not warm me about. (I know. I never told you there would be a sleep over or you might have.)
The SQUEALS. (Totally deserves all caps.)
I know girls squeal. It isn’t like my daughter is growing up in a bubble. She has friends over and they squeal. But at night? When they are tired? They SQUEAL. At one point I am sure there were dogs in Kenya crying over the pitch emitted. Now I understand the constant “request” of my parents to stop squealing. (My ears will stop bleeding soon.)
However, there was another amazing thing about having a girl sleep over. I can play. They want me to actually be there with them. I am not Mooooooom! I am Mom! I loved this strange new world of a girl sleep over. I just wish we had pulled out the clips and nail polish and gone all out.
But I think I am saving that for next time.
This girl thing? So far, not so bad having a daughter. I think I am going to keep her.
Word. Summing up what you would like to see in your life in one word.
January 4, 2008
While surfing some family blogs for a topic this week, I came across many, many on resolutions. Throw a rock (a virtual bloggish one, that is) and you will find ways that many people are vowing to make 2008 a great year for themselves and their families. It was then that I came across a post that really got me thinking. Over at My Semblance of Sanity she wrote about boiling your resolution down to one word. ONE word? That is craziness for a chatty woman such as myself. Seriously? One word?
Some of the words suggested were great. Kalynn Punder suggested “Blog.” I am going to have to defer that to the Things I Do As Much As Breathe category. Great suggestion, though. For those of you on the fence, I think this one is great. For those of us who have so many blogs we are frantic, perhaps we can use it as a way to remember that we enjoy blogging. Right?
As in “more patience, cook healthy, family meals more, take care of myself more.”
I like that one.
Kelly suggested one that I think all moms could use a bit more of: “Myself.”
I will take some time out for myself, since it is sooo easy to burn out giving all my time to work, hubby, and 2 little kids.
The Frazzled Farm Wife suggests “Patience.” I can do that. RIGHT NOW. Oh, wait. I think that defeats the patience part. I should work on that one.
But all of this really did get me thinking about it. Could I take ONE word to sum up all of the things I would like to accomplish in 2008? Or even use one word as a mantra of sorts to remind myself of what I am trying to achieve? I don’t know. I am a lover of words. But just one word? Many have called me verbose. (I use that rather than talkative, blabbering and chatty by choice.)
At first I thought about “Consistency.” That is a good word. Consistency in work, parenting and relationships. That is a great word to sum up a lifestyle change for the best. As I pondered all of this I began to talk to some other people to hear what their suggestions for me might be– seeing as they know me best.
My husband suggested “Housework.” (He should regain consciousness soon.) Housework? I am not going to make my entire 2008 mantra about housework. Nor will it be Organization. No thank you. I think that can fall under the Consistency title. (Or the do it yourself and make the kids pitch in category.)
A friend suggested “Volunteer.” (She is no longer my friend.) I volunteer enough now to be considered charitable yet not so much as to be considered insane. It is close, though.
When I read one of the final comments on the Word for 2008 post, I found my word. Ellie at Finding Myself wrote:
…my word is PEACE…peace within myself, around me, and what I put out!!!
Peace.
There is my Word for 2008.
If it doesn’t bring me peace, I will lose it. If it causes me to lose peace, I will get rid of it. If it brings me peace, I will embrace it. If I can share peace with others, I will reach out and do that. And if I see that those around me are stealing my peace, I will make changes.
I like that. After such a turbulent time of so little peace in my life, I would love to see myself surrounded with people, experiences, work and a home that brings me peace. In fact, if I take all of the suggested words listed, I can tie them all into Peace. (Yes, even the Housework word.)
I want to hear from you. If you had to choose one word for 2008, what would your word be?
I owe a deep thanks to a commenter who virtually smacked me upside the head with something that I really needed to hear. Kelley of magneto bold too! said something in her comment that picked me up, shook me and made me realize what is holding me back. I am going to post her comment in case you missed it. (But why would you miss it? You are reading my posts and commenting, right?)
I got rid of the toxic people long ago. Helps to have a kid with Autism, really brings out the true colours in people.
But you need to get rid of the toxic feelings at the same time. That one took a long time.
Good luck babe. I know you can do it.
You have no idea how much I needed to read that! I have to get rid of the toxic feelings first. And let me tell you something. I have some really toxic feelings about a few people who stabbed me hard last year. It is time to let that go and move forward.
Thank you, Kelley.
Now, share. What is holding you back from moving forward? What are you holding on to that is keeping you from finding the peace you need or the success you want? Let’s let it go together.
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