Conspiracy theory
August 22, 2003
I have uncovered one of the greatest conspiracy theories ever. Want to hear it?
Well, I’ll tell you anyway. I have discovered that the manufacturers of most cleaning fluids…especially those made specifically for mopping the floor…have
included in their ingredients something that before now has never been
discovered.
I am talking about kidletspillagemagnetosis.
It is not listed in the ingredients, but trust me, it is there. What does it do? It is an untraceable substance that when spread on a floor begins a chemical reaction that creates a magnet for both kidlets and spills. Many adults have become immune to this after buying their own home. (I believe there is something in the ink on mortgage papers that renders the normal adult less prone to this magnetism.) However, small children are strongly attracted to it’s force. It does not matter what a kidlet is doing or where the kidlets are, once this substance is put down on the floor, they are compelled to immediately come running onto this floor. It is not in their control. The magnetic properties pull them to the area. If, however, your kidlet somehow manages to resist the pull, do not prematurely celebrate. The liquid and or sticky food substance of their choice will not be able to resist. It will, within hours of the kidletspillagemagnatosis being put on the floor, be drawn downward onto said floor. Usually, this occurs within minutes, but it has been known to take hours.
Why have we not been told of such a substance being used? Well, because the first response to said “accident” is to grab a mop and….say it with me…the tainted “cleaner” that is the culprit in the first place. The manufacturers of these “cleaners” are making millions off of this substance. But no more! Stand with me and demand that kidletspillagemagnatosis is taken out of all future cleaning products.
Now.
Or at least before I have to mop again. Which according to the noise I just heard in the other room, will be in about 2 minutes.
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